My Top Ten Beauty Finds of 2005

This past year was HUGE for me - I scarcely know where to begin or end. As far as acquainting myself with like-minded people, 2005 was a banner year for which I will ALWAYS be grateful. Likewise, it was a year for finding perfumes/scents, both new and older, that resonated with my soul. And it was a year for unprecedented self-exploration that included and yet far surpassed the scope of my senses...

For the purposes of this joint effort (of which I'm thrilled to be a part of!), I'm listing my overall top 10 here...

1. Viktor & Rolf Flowerbomb (unleaded and Extreme)
- "official" notes: tea, bergamot, jasmine, orange tree, catleya orchid, freesia, rose, amber, musk, and patchouli

- My notes: on me the original is a creamy sugar, with just the barest hint of patchouli; the Extreme is rounder, sweeter, and deeper, with even less patch, and much more long-lasting. Chris says it "smells like flowers", but that's his usual response to perfume. I get no flowers from either the original or the Extreme, and am glad of it. These are/this is the closest fragrance to a "signature scent" I have yet to find. It's definitely the one I wore the most for the past year, and I adore it!


2. Serge Lutens Rahat Loukoum
- "official" notes: almond, crushed cherry pits, hawthorn, heliotrope, Turkish rose, balsam, tonka, aldehydes, honey, musk and vanilla

- My notes: I'm sure all these notes are in there somewhere, but I don't smell them so distinctly. On my skin, the opening is a gorgeous, delicious maraschino cherry. It soon develops into a spicy vanillic almond that smells divinely edible. It's the only perfume I have (that he's smelled so far!) that Chris *actively* likes. There are many fragrances out there designed to smell like Turkish Delight (which I've never seen, smelled, or tasted in real life), but this is my favorite, hands-down.


3. Ormonde Jayne Tolu
- "official" notes: juniper berry, orange blossom, clary sage, orchid, rose, muguet, tolu, tonka bean, frankincense and amber

- My notes: I wish I could adequately express how wonderful this stuff is on me! All I can say is that it's tart, warm, and somehow natural on me. Yum!


4. Barbara Bui Le Parfum
- "official" notes: spices [whatever that means], incense, jasmine, white musk, sandalwood, heliotrope, cedar and amber

- My notes: On me, this is a soft, warm, light incense. Every single time I wear it, I wonder why I bother with any other perfume. It's not overly-sophisticated for this around-the-house chica, but it's not overly sloppy or heavy or sweet either.


5. Guerlain Guet-Apens (now renamed Attrape-Coeur)
- "official" notes: iris, rose, woods, vanilla, and amber

- My notes: I do NOT understand how this was released as a Limited Edition! If any fragrance could be considered "universal", I'd say it would have to be this one. I get Guerlinade without the floral aspect - just woods and amber, dry and light and serene. There's the barest tangy aspect to it, but it's NOT foody. I honestly can't see ANYONE disliking this scent. It's not "inoffensive", but there is nothing *offensive* about it. This is one of those unique, ineffable, timeless perfumes that defies description.


6. Burberry Brit Gold
- "official" notes: magnolia, neroli, black currant, bergamot, iris, amber, vanilla, musk, and sandalwood

- My notes: I love ALL of the Burberry Brit incarnations, and until this fall/winter, I thought Brit Red was as good as could be. Not so. With Brit Gold I get iris, amber, vanilla, and sandalwood. It's softer, less sweet, and more ambery and woodsy than Brit and Brit Red. More sophisticated (I hate that word, but it fits) and easy-to-wear. Warmer and drier.


7. Serge Lutens Ambre Sultan
- "official" notes: coriander, oregano, bay leaf, myrtle, angelica root, sandalwood, patchouli, amber, benzoin, vanilla

- My notes: I love amber fragrances. LOVE. This is the best amber I've tried to date. It starts with an herbal tinge (which apparently I favor, though I wasn't aware of it before this year) and develops into a warm, not-too-sweet (who knew this concept even applied to me???) amber that lasts WELL over 24 hours. Yes, I'm enough of a dirty girl to have tested and proved this... What of it? As far as I'm concerned, this is the amber to end all ambers, even though I'm constantly checking others out. I'm so inconstant...


8. Annick Goutal Sables
- "official" notes: helichrysum (aka Imortelle), cinnamon, vanilla and sandalwood

- My notes: My skin makes this fragrance all woods and cinnamon. By this, I mean the true, dry cinnamon of the curled-up sticks you can buy in the grocery store. NOT the sweet cinnamon of Red-Hots candies and the like. I know a lot of people smell maple syrup in this one (and I've wished I WAS one of them in the past), but I do not, and in the end I think I'm happier for it.


9. Guerlain L'Heure Bleue
- "official" notes: anise, rose, iris, carnation, neroli, and vanilla

- My notes: This is almost a spiritual perfume for me. It's cool and calm, sweet and spicy, and somehow *me*. Maybe I resonate on some level wth Guerlains (as many seem to), but this fragrance is nearly indescribable. As with Guet-Apens and Guerlinade (which didn't make the Top Ten list), it's a stunning perfume that I'm helpless to classify. Something about it speaks to me, and rises above the ordinary to make it somehow special and vital to my soul. Despite the notes it shares with other Guerlains, it is unique unto intself, and I cannot separate it from its sister/cousin scents.


10. LORAC Gloss stick in Sheer Berry
- "official" description (from sephora.com): "Each sheer shade is enriched with all natural sunflower seed and Hawaiian macadamia seed oils for a healthy, moist look and feel, and the natural vanilla flavor makes these must-have glosses taste as good as they look."

- My description: This is my new HG (Holy Grail) lippie, and I am SO glad I found it! It goes on super-sheer and builds/layers wonderfully. It's very moisturizing, and (on me) really isn't "berry" at all - it's a lovely, neutral red (more blue than yellow) that complements my skin no matter how thickly I apply it. The Creamsicle scent and totally neutral flavor are just added bonuses.

There were/are SO many other notable beauty developments in 2005, but I must adhere to the stipulation of 10 top discoveries…

Other Best of 2005 lists worthy of consideration (please check back later if their lists aren't up yet):

• An Alabaster Brow


• Beauty Addict


• Blogdorf Goodman


• Bois de Jasmin


• Brain Trapped in Girl's Body


• c'est chic


• Crazy Jay Blue


• The Great She Elephant


• Hrmph


• Koneko's *Mostly* Beauty Diary


• Legerdenez


• Make a Mental Note


• Monkey Posh


• Mother Hen's Place


• my life my words my mind


• no one knows why the wolf laughs


• Now Smell This


• ¡Ombligo!


• Peppermint Patty


• Perfume-Smellin' Things


• Scentzilla!


• She'll be feverish after so much thinking


• Slap of the Day


• Victoria's Own

Thanks so much to Annie (Blogdorf Goodman), Robin (Now Smell This), and Katie (Scentzilla!) for getting this all together! Now I just have to figure out how to get you guys to pay for all the lemmings this project has spawned...

What Energy Crisis?

It's December, almost January, 46° outside (not bad really), and I have my first floor windows open.

Why is this? Because it is 78 freaking degrees in my house!!!

Apparently, my neighbors on one or both sides (I live in an interior unit townhouse) have their heat jacked up so high that they're overheating MY house!

What I wouldn't give to get a peek at their utility bill next month...

My responses

To Bush's requests (in general): a big "FUCK you", and a little "Hell no".

And now, Trina picks apart that ridiculous speech...

"America has an ally of growing strength in the fight against terror" - Um... last *I* checked, their growing strength was in the fight to get US the hell out of THEIR country.

"... yet it was right to remove Saddam Hussein from power. He was given an ultimatum, and he made his choice for war" - Yes, we went around the UN and gave him an ultimatum, he refused, so we invaded him. HE was clearly the war-monger here...

"The mission of American troops in urban raids and desert patrols, fighting Saddam loyalists and foreign terrorists, has brought danger and suffering and loss. This loss has caused sorrow for our whole nation; and it has led some to ask if we are creating more problems than we are solving. That is an important question. And the answer depends on your view of the war on terror. If you think that terrorists would become peaceful if only America would stop provoking them, then it might make sense to leave them alone. This is not the threat I see." - Yes, W, if one is so stupid and blind as to equate the war in Iraq with the War on Terror, and/or think that we (the public) are naive enough to think that withdrawing from Iraq would halt terrorist attacks, then by all means we MUST keep the troops there! And if you think we're so stupid that we won't notice that your lumping together of the insurgents with "foreign terrorists" was your transition to suddenly making the whole war about terrorists, well I guess your handlers give us too little credit AND have never fucking heard of tivo.

"I see a global terrorist movement that exploits Islam in the service of radical political aims. A vision in which books are burned, and women are oppressed, and all dissent is crushed." - 1)Tell me again what this has to do with the war in Iraq? and 2) HOW does this differ from the goals of YOUR administration?

"Terrorist operatives conduct their campaign of murder with a set of declared and specific goals. To demoralize free nations. To drive us out of the Middle East. To spread an empire of fear across that region. And to wage a perpetual war against America and our friends." - Really? Suddenly the terrorists are Sith lords? Seems to me they want us out, and want to conduct things their own way. Sure, that way is fucked up, but we (America) don't interfere with every fucked up thing that goes on in the world. I'd be pretty pissed at being interfered with too, if I were them. As for the perpetual war thing, I have a feeling that if we cleared the hell out of there and left them to their own devices, they'd lose interest in messing with us. Having too much fun oppressing their own people and all that. You know - like in Africa. We haven't had any African terrorist acts here lately, now have we?

"These terrorists view the world as a giant battlefield, and they seek to attack us wherever they can. This has attracted Al Qaida to Iraq, where they are attempting to frighten and intimidate America into a policy of retreat." - Wouldn't this statement suggest that if we get the fuck out, there will be no reason for Al Qaida to be in Iraq? So wouldn't troop withdrawal be the BEST way for us to drive the terrorists out? Or is it that you're saying as long as we have troops there, they won't attack us here? Sounds like you're admitting to using our boys as decoys, sir.

"The terrorists do not merely object to American actions in Iraq and elsewhere; they object to our deepest values and our way of life. And if we were not fighting them in Iraq, in Afghanistan, in Southeast Asia, and in other places, the terrorists would not be peaceful citizens. They would be on the offense and headed our way." - AHA! I was right! So why do I taste ashes... ?

"September the 11th 2001 required us to take every emerging threat to our country seriously. And it shattered the illusion that terrorists attack us only after we provoke them. On that day, we were not in Iraq; we were not in Afghanistan; but the terrorists attacked us anyway." - Maybe because the terrorists were from Saudi Arabia, you fucking moron? Could that be what you're forgetting here?

"We do not create terrorism by fighting the terrorists. We invite terrorism by ignoring them." - And we know this because... we're STILL ignoring them, and fighting in Iraq rather than fighting them, and they continue to be a threat. Gee, go figure!

"And we will defeat the terrorists by capturing and killing them abroad, removing their safe havens, and strengthening new allies like Iraq and Afghanistan in the fight we share." - Yeah, we're doing SUCH a good job of that! Tell me again - where exactly is Osama?

"The work in Iraq has been especially difficult. More difficult than we expected. Reconstruction efforts, and the training of Iraqi security forces started more slowly than we hoped. We continue to see violence and suffering, caused by an enemy that is determined and brutal. Unconstrained by conscience, or the rules of war." - Like that silly, outdated Geneva Convention thingy?

"Some look at the challenges in Iraq and conclude that the war is lost. And not worth another dime or another day. I don't believe that." - Mostly because it's not YOUR dime or day, you asshat.

"Our military commanders do not believe that. Our troops in the field who bear the burden and make the sacrifice do not believe that America has lost." - Maybe true, but they also don't quite have the access to information that you do, or I do. Being in the field, I mean. They DO believe that it sure would be nice for Santa to bring them some freaking armor for Christmas though!

"And not even the terrorists believe it." - Well, according to YOU, their beliefs are wrong anyway, right?

"America, our coalition, and Iraqi leaders are working toward the same goal. A democratic Iraq that can defend itself..." - Seems to me they're already doing an ok job of that!

"... that will never again be a safe haven for terrorists..." - Unlike America, where there are NO terrorists, eh?

"Today in Iraq, 7 in 10 Iraqis say their lives are going well. And nearly 2/3 expect things to improve even more in the year ahead." - And these statistics were obtained... how?

"Defeatism may have its partisan uses, but it is not justified the facts." - which this administration is SO good at gathering... oh, wait. Never mind.

"We would abandon our Iraqi friends, and signal to the world that America cannot be trusted to keep its word." - We wouldn't want that to happen! They have SO much faith in us right now!

"We would undermine the morale of our troops, by betraying the cause for which they have sacrificed." - Yeah, letting them come home to their families would be a HUGE downer for them.

"We would cause the tyrants in the Middle East to laugh at our failed resolve..." - And them laughing at us would be SO awful! - "and tighten their oppressive grip." - which now is so loose, it puts the Patriot Act to shame!

"We would hand Iraq over to enemies who have pledged to attack us, and the global terrorist movement would be emboldened and more dangerous than ever before." - So much for all those battalions of trained Iraqis you were praising moments ago!

"We will see a concerted effort to improve Iraqi police forces, and fight corruption. We will see the Iraqi military gaining strength and confidence, and the democratic process moving forward. As these achievements come, it should require fewer American troops to accomplish our mission. I will make decisions on troop levels based on the progress we see on the ground..." - You hear that, boys? You have to earn your way home! Stop screwing around and get busy fixing Iraq! The sooner it's done, the sooner you can come back. No free rides here!

"Not based on artificial timetables set by politicians in Washington" - *psst!* W, they're only artificial if you DON'T stick to them! Just thought I'd let you know...

"Tonight, I ask all of you listening to carefully consider the stakes of this war... and to have patience in this difficult, noble, and necessary cause." - MY answer? I have considered them, and I find your logic and goals wanting. So a big HELL NO on your request for patience, asshole.

"I also want to speak to those of you who did not support my decision to send troops to Iraq." - OK, I'm listening...

"I've heard your disagreement, and I know how deeply it is felt. Yet now, there are only two options before our country: victory or defeat." - Seriously, are you that fucking stupid? No, don't answer that. More importantly, do you and your "people" think that WE are that fucking stupid? Sadly I can see why you might (you DID get reelected after all), but it's not the case. And anything you may say to follow up such an absurd assertion doesn't deserve a response, but I'm sure I'll have something to say anyway.

"And the need for victory is larger than any president or political party..." - And of course, we are all TOTALLY incapable of thinking in any other way. None of us think outside party lines, ever. That you even suggest it is mind-boggling, sir! The notion!

"I don't expect you to support everything I do, but tonight I have a request. Do not give into despair, and do not give up on this fight for freedom." - In terms of the war in Iraq: Request DENIED.

overstock.com is my bitch

I love online banking! I just checked my account, and Overstock did indeed credit me my $2.95! And the books got here today. Life is good...

Customer Service

Sure, we all have the classic pet peeve of "bad customer service". Luckily (and unfortunately) for me, I've worked in CS, so I know what can and can't be done. Even so, dealing with incompetents (and just plain unhelpful people) can be a pain in the ass. The following is an *actual* exchange - well, two exchanges and you'll see why - on overstock.com's "live help" feature. The only things I have deleted are the "copy and paste" of my first exchange that I did for the second rep I chatted with, and incriminating info (email addy, order #, etc.).

Christian: Thank you for contacting Overstock.com. This is Christian. How may I assist you today?
you: Hi! I have a coupon (actually, I think I have more than one) for $2.95 credited to my account. How do I apply it to the order I'd like to place?
Christian: To help you better, may I have your order number?
you: I haven't placed the order yet. I want to apply the coupon before I do.
Christian: May I have the catalogue number you are looking at.
you: I'm online - there's no catalog
Christian: To help you better may I have the email address ?
you: xxxxx
Christian: Thank you for the information.
Christian: May I place you on hold for a minute or two while I research this for you?
you: sure
Christian: Thank you for staying online.
Christian: Would you like me to place an order for you.
you: ??? No - I want to apply my $2.95 coupon to the items I have in my shopping cart. The coupon is linked to my account, but I don't have a code, and can
you: oops
you: I can't find info on how to appy it to an order
Christian: I will stay online please go head and place your order.
Christian: The amount will automatically applied as a discount.
you: OK - I placed the order, but the discount isn't showing.
Christian: May I place you on hold for a minute or two while I research this for you?
you: sure
Christian: Could you please provide me the order numbger you have just placed.
Christian: *number
you: xxxxx
Christian: May I place you on hold for a minute or two while I research this for you?
you: sure
Chat session has been terminated by the Overstock Service representative.

Welcome to Overstock.com Customer Service, you are now chatting with Saige.
Saige: Thank you for visiting Overstock.com! This is Saige. How may I help you today?
you: Hi! I'm trying to straighten out a coupon issue. I was chatting with someone and he terminated the chat. Here's a copy & paste of our entire exchange. [I did so]
Saige: I would be happy to help you with that.
you: Yay!
Saige: For security purposes, may I ask you to verify the name and billing address on your account?
you: xxxxxxx
Saige: Thank you for verifying.
Saige: Thank you for providing the order number.
Saige: May I place you on hold for a minute or two while I research this for you?
you: sure
Saige: Thank you for staying online.
Saige: I do see that there is an unused coupon of $2.95 in your account.
Saige: I am sorry to inform you that as you have placed the order, we are unable to avail the coupon on this particular order.
you: Well then why did he tell me to place the order?!?
you: I was very clear with him about what I wanted.
Saige: Please come back to us before placing the order the next time and we will surely help you regarding that.
Saige: I apologize for what had happened.
you: There has to be *something* that can be done about this order.
you: This is unacceptable.
Saige: I am sorry for the inconvenience.
Saige: We are unable to issue the coupon to this existing order.
Saige: However we will help you in issuing the coupon to the next order.
you: Well how about you credit my card for $2.95 and remove the coupon from my account?
you: The reason I *have* this coupon is because of poor service I received in the past. This needs to be worked out now.
Saige: I am really sorry, the instore credit cannot be credited to your credit card. The instore credit will be applied to your next purchase automatically.
you: Well then - please cancel my order, stay on the line with me, and I'll place it again with you helping me apply the coupon.
Saige: I am sorry to inform you that we are unable to cancel the order once it is placed.
you: Why not?
you: And I'm still confused as to why you cannot perform a partial credit to my credit card for 2.95
Saige: I do understand your concern.
you: You must realize that at this point this is about the principle.
Saige: I am really sorry that I am unable to do that.
you: I was awarded a coupon for poor customer service, and now CONTINUED poor customer service has made me unable to use it for an order?!? That's beyond ridiculous
you: You haven't explained why you are unable to credit my card
Saige: I understand that this has been a frustrating experience for you and I apologize.
you: This is not acceptable. I guess I'll have to call in and try to speak with someone who can do something about this.
Saige: Please stay online while I check that for you.
Saige: Thank you for staying online.
Saige: We have credited that amount to your credit card.
Saige: Please check your next billing statement.you: Thank you very much!

And thus the monster was defeated! And I was telling her the truth about why I had the coupon - this was NOT my first tangle with overstock CS, and I was *damned* if I was gonna let them pull their crap again! Hahahahaha...

I am opaque

Or possibly translucent, on a good day.

Clearly (hyuk hyuk) I'm not in any position to assess myself accurately. But the fact is that in spite of my best intentions, I'm obviously not as willing/able to share as much of my life as I expected/hoped. Not that I'm lying, or even glossing over things. But the fact that I haven't been able to post lately, due to some shit that has been going on here on my end the past couple of weeks (well, longer really, but it manifested itself recently), certainly demonstrates that I'm not ready to completely bare myself.

I'm ok, my husband and pets and friends and family are ok, no worries. Well, some worries, but none of the immediate sort.

I'm tempted to poke my finger in the wound and examine it further - *why* can't I talk about things? What possible harm could it do? But my excessive need for self-analysis is part of the issue here :~P

Sorry for the cryptic nature of this post. Basically, it's an apology for not posting in so long, and an assurance that I had reason. Just not anything I feel like talking about here and/or now. Sorry!

Never Say Never

I hate fruit in my food. HATE it. But last night I wanted to roast a chicken and I had no onions to stuff the cavity with, so I decided to go ahead and use a Red Delicious apple. I figured it couldn't do too much damage.

Let me tell you, it was the BEST damn roast chicken I've ever made! Maybe the best I've ever had. Not only did the apple make my house smell incredible, but it also lent a subtle flavor to the chicken without making it too sweet. Yummy! Needless to say, this is definitely worth repeating! And for anyone who wants to know how to make a foolproof roast chicken, here you go:

Preheat the oven to 250°F (this is NOT a typo - just 250°). Thoroughly rinse your chicken and pat it dry. Sprinkle the outside and cavity liberally with salt and pepper, and any other spices you might like. I just used salt and pepper this time. {Note: if you would like the spice rub used for Roast Sticky Chicken, let me know} Core and slice a Red Delicious apple and stuff into the cavity. Alternately, you *could* use a quartered onion, but this was better.

Place the chicken on a shallow roasting pan and cook for 5 hours. After the first hour, baste every 30 minutes. There may not be enough (or any) drippings for the first basting, in which case you should toss a few tablespoons of butter or margarine into the pan to melt, and use that. At the end of the 5 hours, let the chicken rest for 10 minutes or so.

Roasting the chicken slowly at a low temperature cooks it *beautifully* without drying it out. A word of warning though: it will be so tender that it will LITERALLY fall off the bone, so be careful when transferring it to your serving dish. Cooking it this way and basting as often as the recipe calls for also makes some INSANELY delicious, crispy skin. But of course, I'm not allowed to eat that. Stupid Weight Watchers. Grumble grumble...

Happy roasting, kids!

Good Tidings!

Chris had his annual performance review today - he's getting an 11% raise! AND he gets to CHOOSE what his job title is going to be!!!

I told him he should go with SAP Motherfuckin' Master, but I don't think he will...

The kettle's on the boil and we're so easily called away

I'm so sorry to have to turn the "word recognition" feature on, but I kept getting insane amounts of spamment, and as fast as I'd delete them, more would appear. I wish there was a feature (that I knew about) to block certain posters, as I had a couple repeat offenders, but there are none I'm aware of. Hopefully this added aggravation won't keep you few who read this blog from posting! Mwah!

Tagged!

I've been tagged by the lovely Ruth of crazy jay blue and am hereby listing 20 random facts about myself. This took me a while not only because I'm a perpetual procrastinator, but also because I posted 15 things (10 random, 5 scary) on the makeupalley fragrance board, stating foolishly that I'd post *different* ones here. Smart. Real smart. But here they are! And shoot me if you want to, but I think everyone in the blogosphere has been tagged, so I'm not tagging anyone specific. If you read this and haven't been tagged already, you're it!


20 Things About Trina

1. It's true – I'm a TOTAL slacker. I put things off for no good reason other than that I'd rather be playing online. Or watching tv. Or playing with my fur-babies. I get FAR less done than I'm capable of.

2. I'm happy to be alive.

3. There were years on end when I wasn't.

4. I play favorites among my pets, and the favorites change constantly.

5. I only own 2 pairs of underwear (AKA "the infamous p-word") – the ivory satin ones I wore when I got married, and cotton with Tweetie Bird printed on them.

6. When I was small, the "Betsy-Wetsy" dolls at my grandparents' house, along with my childish lack of anatomical understanding, made me think that my digestive system was just a straight tube from mouth to "exits". I would to sit on the toilet and drink water *as* I peed, to try to keep a continuous flow, but it never worked. Logic told me that if I kept drinking, I'd keep peeing, but it never played out that way... I was SO disappointed! I don't remember how old I was when I finally learned/realized the truth, but I still feel ripped off :~P

7. In gymnastics class, my nickname was Noodle because I was very flexible – so much so that I couldn't get anything right (I was floppy, like a noodle). When attempting a back-handspring, my hands would come down in FRONT of where my feet had been. I'm nowhere near as flexible as I used to be, but I can still lay on my stomach pushing up with my hands, and bend my knees and arch my back so that my toes touch my head. I can also do a backbend without using my hands. My husband appreciates these things.

8. I cannot roll my "rr" when speaking Spanish, and it frustrates me to NO end.

9. I suck at bowling – I start out ok, but as the game progresses, my performance gets worse and worse. By the end I'm bowling straight gutterballs. I can't explain it, and I don't like bowling enough to try to fix it. I can drink watered-down beer in front of the tv, thank you very much!

10. I'm a proponent of *reasonable*, sterile home surgery. In furtherance of that, I own a scalpel handles and a large pack of blades. And I have used them.

11. I have eczema and sebhorreic dermatitis. The area most affected by this is my scalp, and although I could go to a doctor and get medications to use on it, I'm vain enough about my hair that I'd rather deal with the discomfort of an itching scalp than risk uglifying my hair with steroids and/or coal tar products.

12. I have tried cigarettes only twice in my entire life. One time I was wasted, and the other I was pissed off at the world.

13. I love mint-flavored things, and apparently have my whole life. When I was 2 years old, I ate an entire tube of toothpaste, and then blew the tube back up to hide what I had done.

14. Every pair of pants that I wear in public is from Target. Most of those I wear in private are too.

15. For a short time in high school I was addicted to ephedrine. I kept falling asleep in AP Biology, so I bought some "Maxx Alert" pills at the gas station. I would get the shakes on them, and when I came down in the afternoons I turned into even more of a royal bitch than my usual self. My friends actually "had a talk" with me about the pills.

16. When I was in elementary school, my biggest fear was that someone was going to climb in my window and stab me to death. I have no idea where I got this idea, or why I was fixated on it, but I would lie awake staring at my windows, scared out of my wits.

17. I prefer the raw form of almost all baked goods. I'd rather eat dough/batter than the finished product ANY time.

18. I can't remember the last time I told my brother or sister that I love them.

19. I drink too much, but if someone would just come up with a non-alcoholic red wine that tasted as good as the real deal, it would become an instant non-issue. It actually gets on my nerves that I get a buzz when I'm just trying to enjoy some yummy, tart grape juice. There are great NA beers, so where the heck is my NA wine?!?

20. As cheesy as this will sound, I have to say this. I'm married to the love of my life, and I give thanks every day that we found each other, and that we've been able to make our relationship work. Falling in love is easy, but being in a lifelong committed relationship requires effort. I love that he finds me worth the effort.

What I need

I bloglifted this fun little idea from biggerkrissy's blog. Go to Google, type in "(your name) needs", and post 10 of the results :~D Luckily for my sense of humor, I share my name with a rapper, so I got some amusing results:

10. "Trina needs to call the garbage collection company" - how did they know? I really do.

9. "Trina needs a pet room" - ha! I already HAVE one

8. "Trina needs some forks!!!" - I can't help but wonder why, when I've got plenty.

7. "Trina needs someone to bite on that juicy rump of hers!" - hmmm...

6. "Trina needs her cooling system checked out" - why??? What's wrong with me?!?

5. "Trina needs to answer that question" - you ask, I'll answer.

4. "Trina needs to post the pictures of the jesus looking guy passed out with a boner." - I just don't know what to say here.

3. "Trina needs to spend less money flossing and more money paying her bills" - true dat, but I can't roll without my perfumes!

2. "Trina needs to go back where she came from wit her nasty azz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" - well, fine then!


And my absolute, hands-down favorite:

1. "Trina needs a human companion that is interested in training and also expanding her signing vocabulary." - there are just no words.

The Return of The File Maven

I must be even more awesome than I had previously determined! Who knew?!?

My old boss called this afternoon to ask me to come back to work for the State, doing the same job I did before. I was sleeping (of course - I AM nocturnal) so I didn't get the call, but Chris did. They want me back so bad they'll give me more money AND let me work from home!!! YAY!!! That was my main issue with working before - my erratic sleeping pattern didn't mesh well with the 9-to-5 working world. The sticking point was always me taking the files home to work on them, since technically it's not allowed (and possibly illegal). But they need them organized, and want me to be the one to do it so much that they're going to let me. And THEY offered! I didn't even talk to her, so all the info was what she relayed to Chris.

In case it wasn't obvious, I'm *definitely* going to do it. We don't NEED the money, but it'll be nice to have the extra for Christmas shopping (and that time IS fast approaching), and just nice to be able to spend more freely, like I did when I was working before. Not that I intend to go crazy - we really need to pay down our larger debts so we can get out of this townhouse one of these days - but I also won't have to feel quite so guilty when I DO buy things.
Seriously though, it just feels SO good to be needed and wanted in a professional capacity! I knew I kicked ass at my job, and that my supervisors and coworkers felt the same way, but having it reaffirmed like this just makes my week! Hell, maybe even my month!

Here's hoping

*** Warning: possible trigger ***

I've been gone for a while, but that's not the whole reason I haven't posted. I'm a monster procrastinator, especially when it comes to disclosure and authenticity. I wanted/intended to put this post off till *after* this weekend, when I'll be seeing people who may well read this before I see them next. I'm such a freakin' scaredy-cat. But not a total one, 'cause here I go!

As of the end of August/beginning of September, I started doing Weight Watchers - the Core plan. This is my first serious attempt to lose weight in several years, and my first REAL attempt to deal with food in a healthy way in over a decade. The beauty of the Core plan is that they have a list of foods I can eat without measuring. A BIG list. I also get 35 "free" points each week to spend however I want on food, and I can earn more by exercising. This is perfect for me because I can NOT control my eating. I have no "Off" button. I don't have the discipline to do Flex - I'm too lazy and impulsive to weigh and journal everything that goes into my mouth, and I can't do portion control.

I'm bulimic and have been for 12 years. Once I start eating, I have a hard time stopping. It's so hard to explain what goes on in my head when I eat, but what follows is the best approximation I can give. In the past (and still in the present sometimes), whenever I ate *anything* my mind immediately told me "that will make you fat", so I knew I had to purge to get rid of the fattening food. And since I *already* had to purge, I might as well make it "worth the effort," so I'd pig out and maximize the binge. I didn't start out this way, and never intended to get to this point. I don't think anyone does.

Core works for me because it's a *proven* weight-loss plan, and there are tons of foods on the list that I like. I can eat till I feel full, and if my mind tries to go to the negative "fat" thoughts, there's a rational and real way to deal with them. The foods I'm eating *won't* make me fat, since so many people have lost weight and kept it off by using this plan. If I eat a big bunch of grapes, or 2 pieces of chicken, it's ok because they're on the list of foods I don't have to measure. I can silence that first negative voice/impulse. I can stop the binge before it really starts, which makes it that much easier to talk myself out of purging. Because I DO still have to talk myself out of it. It isn't something that can just be switched off, though I wish it were. But with Core, logic trumps the irrational unhealthy thinking and urges, and it's a HUGE weight off my mind.

I'm by no means abstinent yet, but just having the daily impulse removed is SUCH a huge relief, I can't even begin to describe it. I have the control I entered into my ED looking for, and I feel like I might get a handle on my ED. I honestly didn't think that would ever happen. For the first time in YEARS, I feel like I might actually be able to get the bulimia under control, and that is an amazing feeling. I wish I had done this sooner.

Aside from all that (which is wonderful beyond belief) I've lost 6 pounds that I don't ever intend to gain back. I need to get a good digital scale so I can keep better track of my weight, and be able to track the small losses and gains better. But 6 pounds! That's 12 sticks of butter! And that, my friends, is a great start to healthy living.

Violents in the media

Yes I can spell. Go read a Xanth novel :~P

I watch too much tv. This is a fact that has been verified by assorted experts and documented in peer-reviewed journals. In my defense, it's my parents' fault. I'm a child of the 80's, and we got our tv when I was 4 or 5. A formative age. I got to watch such awesome shows as Voltron, Thunder Cats, Snorks, Smurfs, Doctor Who, and (when I was EXTRA lucky and my parents let me stay up past my bedtime) MacGyver. This childhood bliss lasted until I was 7 or 8, when our tv broke. And my parents decided not to get it fixed. Or buy a new one. Ever again. That's right friends - at this tender age, the joyous bond between a girl and her tv was heartlessly torn asunder. I never developed the ennui that most people of my generation have towards television due to the decade or so of shows like Blossom and Full House. I love tv and could watch it all day every day. This is my burden, which I shoulder happily.

One thing I often read or hear about is the glamorization of crime on tv. I agree that this is indeed a problem, and one of the major misrepresentations of the lives of criminals is in television depictions of strip clubs. Not that I *want* to see the reality of those places when I watch tv, but here's the deal: if you DON'T want kids to grow up and become meth-dealing motorcycle gangsters, then spit the truth. A strip club in a backwater town that is run by drug-running bikers is NOT going to have Vegas-quality ass dancing the poles. An honest glimpse of these venues may just be enough to scare a few kids straight. The entertainers will not have cellulite-free tushies on ballet-dancer legs, topped by perky breasts and a pretty face. There will be cellulite, and droopage. If the legs aren't stick-straight, they'll be triangular, with the apex at the bottom. And the dental situation shouldn't even be pondered in the broad light of day.

Just North of my hometown is a lime-green building that clearly was once a house, probably a farmhouse. It isn't *quite* dilapidated, but it verges on being so, and has ever since I can remember. Attached to this is a U-shaped group of buildings, clearly added on years after the house was built, with no attempt to blend the architecture (or color even – it's white) with the original construction. The addition is also not-quite-ramshackle and has been so for ages. Together, this conglomeration is known as Fairways Inn, and attached to the green building is this sign, which pretty much says it all:

I've never been there, but my husband (in his misspent youth) has, as have several of my girlfriends (on a lark, with male friends). Putting it as delicately as possible, the one-eyed dancer was one of the prettier ones. I wish I was making this up.

My point is, THESE are the places that should be shown on tv! Don't show the biker ringleader with a hot blond on one side and brunette on the other, both with tight bodies and well-coiffed hair. Put Toothless Tawny and Cellulite Cindy on the screen. Give those wayward kids something to think about.

I just want to start things over

It's been a while since I posted anything, I know. That bitch of a hurricane who stole my name has also drained my emotions, and made me hesitant to write because I didn't know what might come spewing out.

My hope/plan for today is to sleep as much as possible, to try to rest my mind and heart. They've been jerked around enough lately.

Punk

Well, after my overwrought post from last night, Harley decided to do a 180 for the THIRD time in his life. I think he delights in causing us emotional turmoil. Copying & pasting my update post from MUA because I'm feeling lazy and have stuff to do:

Last night when I talked to the vet, she basically told me that it didn't look like Harley was going to make it. His bladder was still producing icky fluid, and his prostate is enlarged and definitely cystic, if not cancerous (according to the ultrasound). She said that IF he made it through the infection, he'd probably need surgery (which he might not survive) or serious pharmacological management (which might not help and might cause nasty side effects). But the hardest part was that it was iffy he'd even survive this infection b/c he was so dehydrated and his bladder was just releasing the gross fluid. So I had to call Chris and tell him this over the phone b/c he's in Chicago, and we were both bawling our eyes out and trying to be positive, though her prognosis made that insanely difficult. We knew we couldn't put him through another exploratory surgery, and that we may not be able to afford the medications they said he needs.

So I went to bed emotionally and physically exhausted, and only got up about an hour ago. There was a message on my phone from the vet. Never have I so clearly heard surprise in another person's voice over the phone. Harley has been urinating on his own, and when the nurse expressed his bladder this morning his urine was completely normal. He has been eating and drinking on his own, and he's almost fully alert again. AND (since Chris and I aren't going to go with surgery, at least for now) I can go pick him up in a couple hours!!!

He's already had the one Lupron shot, and she'll send him home with antiinflammatory meds and antibiotics, so we don't have to decide on further medical management for another month, assuming he makes it that long. I don't want to get my hopes up too much, but he HAS done this to us twice in the past (near death and then an insanely fast, surprising turnaraound). At the very least, we can have him here with us as long as possible. I'm pretty much numb at this point from all the emotional upheaval, but I'm SO relieved that we won't have to make the euthanasia decision it looked like we'd have to make today. And my little old man will be home when his daddy gets back from Chicago!

So there are no guarantees, but my baby is coming home in a couple hours!

Tragic Math

What's worse than having to do a cost-effectiveness analysis?

Having to do one for a dying pet.

Having to face the fact that no amount of money will guarantee that he will live.

Having to face the fact that the treatment options may themselves kill him.

Having to face the fact that the treatment options will definitely diminish his quality of life.

Having to face the fact that very soon you will have to say goodbye to someone who has meant more to you in this life than most others have, and that your decisions are what will determine the specifics of this departure. Someone who has been the closest thing you and your husband have had together, for the past 6 years. Someone who, 1 year and 8 months ago was given (optimistically) 1 year to live by the surgeon who saved his life. Someone you can't imagine living without.

Having to do all of this today.

I want to change my name

The destruction, pain, and loss are too horrible to comprehend. My heart is breaking for all the people and animals and trees, and I can't stop crying. My prayers are with the entire Gulf coast.

Pins and needles

I'm sitting here waiting for a call from the guy I'm getting my new ferret from. WAITING... not something I do well.

Every now and then...

I want to strangle him. Not so far as to kill him - just enough to make my point.

Ornamental trees

I sometimes think that my mind goes on some fantastic stream-of-consciousness voyages, and I'm just along for the ride. I've been so introspective for so long that I am probably overly aware of the distinctions between my self, my mind, and my body. My brain goes places and says/does things that I (my soul) have no control over and disagree with. My body does things that hurt me, and I do things that hurt it. I'm not trying to be melodramatic or overly serious (that's for another post), but I'm trying to explain how I can be so external to my thought processes, and amused by their paths at times.

I was thinking, as I frequently do, about perfumes. Chris expressed a CLEAR dislike of something I liked (but didn't love) earlier tonight - Yosh's Ginger Ciao. So I was thinking about other fragrances I'm enamored of that people have strong negative reactions to. One such fragrance is Alexander McQueen's Kingdom. I love cumin - I love the flavor and the smell, the fact that it's spicy without hurting my mouth... Many people smell B.O. when they smell cumin, which I kinda understand; but they hate it, whereas I love it.

That set me to thinking of other "dreaded" notes - some people dread the B.O. note, others dread patchouli, and there has been discussion on the frag board of the "dreaded Cootchie note". I've never smelled anything that evoked that connotation to me, but I'm sure something out there would/will. And since I was in that frame of mind... *other*... body smells popped into my head, which immediately sent me back to college.

Along the pathway between my college dorm and the dining hall (I went to a small school - only 2 dorms) there were ornamental trees. More specifically, ornamental pear trees. We all called them "Jizz Trees" because when they bloom in the spring, they are highly fragrant with what can only be described as a semen-scent. An overwhelming semen-scent. To the point where (maybe because of how many trees there were) it was gagging. I looked them up online, and found that they are Callery Pear trees, and they're notorious for this smell!

I can understand the layperson not knowing things, and accidentally buying an "ornamental pear tree" (the trees themselves are lovely - very gracefully shaped) at the local home improvement store and being unpleasantly surprised come springtime. But this is a science-based university, and small enough that someone outside the grounds staff would have had to okay these trees at the time of planting.

This agricultural faux pas is/was compounded by the fact that in a small courtyard that overlooks an integral staircase and pathway into several of the main lecture halls, someone had the brilliant idea to plant a female ginkgo tree! For those unfamiliar with the sexual dichotomy of this species, both genders grow tall and slender and lovely, with the uniquely shaped leaves they're known for. But the female tree produces fruit/nuts, which fall to the ground and leave a horrifically-scented, slimy mess. The fruit are not only intrinsically odiferous, but on the ground they also rot quickly and produce a dangerously slippery mess. NOT a good combination with slate stairs and sidewalks! Anyone interested in these trees really should research them - they haven't changed in something like 200 million years, there are lots of fossils of them, and they really are beautiful trees. But one really shouldn't plant a female tree, especially in a small but very public and well-traversed area! And as tall as the tree is, and knowing its location, I know it was planted back when there was even more administrative control over the grounds.

Again, I wouldn't have been so irritated by all this, except that this is a science-focused university! When I started there, the school was named Philadelphia College of Pharmacy and Science (PCPS). A couple years into my schooling, they wanted to broadcast the fact they actually had university status, and changed the name to USP - the University of the Sciences in Philadelphia. Since pharmacy is largely plant-based, and since the school was originally only a school of pharmacy (the first established in this country, might I add *cough cough*) there's just NO excuse in my eyes for such stupid landscaping decisions.

All right - my stream-of-consciousness rant is over. I've needed/wanted to vent on this for a while, and since it popped into my head just now, I figured I'd deal with it and be done :~D

If you hear from me again, then I guess I'm not dead yet.

TMI

My fucking uterus is killing me!!! I know I'm not ovulating (already had those lovely back-stabbing sensations last week). It's just cramping to be a bitch and make me suffer. Tell me again why I need a reproductive system?

Who keeps changing the damn rules?!?

When I first stole Goldie from my parents, it was because I loved her personality, and I wanted to give her a better life than that bowl my parents kept her in. I got her a nice 5 gallon tank, which was WAY bigger than her bowl, and she loved it. I also joined a goldfish yahoo group to be able to pick the brains of people who have owned goldfish for years. Almost immediately, I found out that the tank I had just gotten her was too small for any goldfish, but especially her type. She's a comet, and they grow up to 12 inches, and love to zip around at high speeds. The people in the group informed me that you need at least 10 gallons per goldfish, because of the amount of ammonia they produce, and the bigger the tank the better. Fine. I immediately bought a 12 gallon tank for Goldie, and "rescued" a betta from the horrid cups at the pet store to live in the 5 gallon tank (no point in having it go to waste!).

Goldie likes the new tank even more, but she's starting to outgrow it (she's about 5 - 6" long now), and she really needs a goldfish friend to play with. So I have embarked on my first no-buy (perfume, that is, and anything else I can stop myself from getting) EVER, and it's killing me! The plan is to get a 30 gallon tank with an eclipse hood, and a stand as well, over the next couple months. I figured the extra 10" in length (that's 30" long, total) would provide more swimming space, and the extra gallons would allow for another goldfish. I've gotten pretty psyched, and posted about my plans in my Goldfish group.

Well. Apparently, I'm not as good a fish-mom as I thought I was! I got a message from one of the members saying that I needed a several hundred gallon tank for Goldie, especially if I'm going to get another comet to keep her company! What the fuck?!? No one there has ever told me that the entire time I've been a member, and I've asked for advice several times. He suggested that in the meantime, I should get at least a 60 gallon tank for her. No one has since posted to the contrary, which means (in that group) that everyone agrees with him. So why the hell did no one say anything before when I posted my ideas and asked for comments and advice?

Chris and I are by no means poor, but a 60 gallon tank (or more) plus the stand, filtration system, etc. is a real investment. And although he's in favor of a large tank, and has actually wanted one since way before I got into fish, he doesn't want to get one now. We live in a townhouse, so there's not a whole lot of room for a big tank, and we're not sure how much weight the floors can take. Also, we don't intend to live here for many more years, and moving a big tank would be a bitch-and-a half. Not only would the tank and stand have to be considered, but also dealing with the water and getting it all set back up and cycled quickly in the new home (wherever that might be!).

So I'm just really pissed right now, at myself and at the situation. I don't want to waste money by buying incrementally larger tanks every 6 months or so, but I don't want Goldie in a tank that's too small - that can seriously harm a fish, and her species can live 20 years or more if cared for properly. I can't live with the idea of not caring for her properly. There's also the fact that if I tell Chris what I really think we should do and how much it would cost, he'll hit the roof. And most likely nix it. I want to pull my hair out!!!

Why can't we just win the fucking Powerball?

Interview MEme

Katie had a kickass interview on her blog (seldomnicenowadays), and I figured an interview for me would give me some motivation to get going here, so I asked her to interview me. Here is the result:


1.) What is your favorite period of history to read about, and why?

Are you really making me choose ONE period?!? It's all so interesting, though it also depresses me (the vast majority of historical figures ARE dead, you know).

I've always loved reading about Colonial/Revolutionary America. It was such a hugely pivotal time in this country, and there was an *insane* back-and-forth of ideas and ideals. Plus, we're constantly re-discovering information, so it's one of the most detailed areas of history. Far enough in the past to be "foreign", yet recent enough that anyone who really wants to go in-depth has a wealth of information available to them.

I'm about to borrow a book from my dad that I gave him for his birthday (a) because it was on his wish-list, and (b) because I wanted to read it myself. The book is Paul Revere's Ride, by David Hackett Fischer, and it gives an in-depth look at Paul Revere's life and his involvement in the revolution and the culture around it. It also de-mystifies the famous "ride", while at the same time enlarging its significance, by showing just how big things were back then, and how many people were involved in so many aspects of the conception of this country.

And now I sound like a total history geek, when really I'm just a nosy chick who likes to read about any and everything in detail…


2.) Why did you choose ferrets for pets?

Short answer: my husband's family had them when he was younger.

Actual answer: a very true-to-Trina story. When Chris first bought our townhouse, I was still in college living in the dorm, and I'd come stay with him on the weekends. It was at the very beginning of the population boom in our town (which is still proceeding rather alarmingly), and there were fields stretching away in 3 directions around our development, which was just at it's beginning stages. As one might expect in such a situation, a denizen of the local wildlife made it's way into the house – a field mouse.

Most people would buy some mousetraps and let them do their job. A smaller number would buy humane traps and take the little invader back to the fields and set it free. Being the girl that I am, I of course went a different route – we bought a bunch of live traps, and also a hamster cage and accessories. When Mr. Mouse (as the mousie was dubbed) finally succumbed to the lure of the peanut butter in the traps, he became our first official pet as a couple. In hindsight, considering the mice I've seen in pet stores and their… *noticeable*… gender differences, it is now obvious to me that Mr. Mouse was in fact a Miss, but that was his name.

{Aside: Many who know me are aware that I often disregard the actual sex of an animal in determining its gender. For example, our youngest cat, Elcy, is a "she" and a "her", despite rather prominent testicles (soon to be removed). My take on it is that she's a pre-op transsexual waiting for her gender reassignment surgery. Anyone who *knows* Elcy can tell you that she's definitely a girl. So the Mr. Mouse thing is nothing out-of-the-ordinary for me.}

Mr. Mouse traveled back and forth with me to school, smuggled into the dorm in a duffel bag, to keep me company during the week – I had no roommate, as I do NOT get along well living with other people (it's a miracle that DH and I can cohabit harmoniously, trust me!), so there was no one to complain. My RA was a buddy, and he liked coming in to visit with Mr. Mouse so it was no big deal on that front either. Mr. Mouse, however, was NOT a fan of his new status as a pet. Being wild-born, he most probably dreamed of the open plains and plotted his grand escape every waking moment of the few months he stayed with me. In the end, he succeeded one weekend while we were at the house, and was free once more. I'm sure he was filled with joy and all kinds of crazy stories to tell his mousie friends when he got back to them.

I, on the other hand, was left with an empty cage and an empty dorm room with no furry friend to hang with in the evenings. A Trina without pets is no Trina at all, so we decided to go get a hamster or gerbil (since I already had the cage) to become my new little compadre. We went to a pet store nearby that's no longer open, but they didn't have any mice/gerbils/hamsters/etc. They DID, however, have a pair of baby ferrets, one white and one black. I had no experience with ferrets and no real desire for one, but Chris REALLY did, and he saw his chance and took it. He had the clerk take the black one out so we could play with him (the white one was spoken for), and of course I fell head-over-heels. He came home with us that day, I named him Harley, and thus began the ferret saga.

WARNING: If you don't wish to become the helpless owner of a destructive terror of an animal, you must NEVER play with a baby ferret!!! They are adorable beyond all measure, and have huge personalities that will enthrall you, much like a cult-leader. You will convince yourself that they're worth the effort and hassle (and they are a LOT of both). Worse, they STAY cute as they grow older, but it slowly becomes a different kind of cute, and you find yourself wanting another baby. You convince yourself that it can't be much more of an effort than you're already expending with the adult, so you might as well… If you choose to ignore my warning, PLEASE do two things: (1) a LOT of research; (2) get 2 ferrets at the same time, preferably litter-mates. They really need the companionship of their own kind.


3.) What was the first music album you ever bought, how old were you, and do you still listen to it?

I'm ashamed to admit this, but here it is – the first album I purchased for myself was Vanilla Ice "To the Extreme" on casette. I played the HELL out of it. And no, I do not listen to it any more. I think I actually taped over it at some point in the past, but it's been so long, who knows? I had albums before that, which other people bought FOR me (NKOTB, Men Without Hats, the Moody Blues), but Vanilla Ice was my first purchase.

And since I'm doing a confession here, I've got one more (last, I hope) musical skeleton to pull out and dust off: I saw Milli Vanilli in concert at the Delaware State Fair. That is all.


4.) Where your is your most favorite spot in the world to visit and why?

I'm not a well-traveled person, so my answer here won't be too interesting. My fave spot to visit is Rehoboth Beach, here in Delaware. Not the beach itself (*shudders* there are MUCH better beaches in Delaware), but the main drag and a few side streets for shopping. I've been going there since I was little, and it's one of those places with so much tradition from past visits that it's almost a ritual I have to perform. There are a few stores that I HAVE to browse every time: Abizaks, Scandinavian Occasion, Tideline Gallery, and Mizzen Mast. We always have a meal at Nicola Pizza, home of the Nic-O-Boli (insanely evil and delicious stromboli-esque dish). Finally, and, probably most important, I always buy a bucket of Dolle's caramel corn - the best in the multiverse - and some dark-chocolate-covered-strawberries from the Candy Kitchen.

Here's Dolle's - it's on the corner of the boardwalk and the main drag:

5.) Which US President was/is your favorite, and which one is your least?

I'm pretty young, and not well-versed with politics and specific presidencies, so I'm going with what I know. Favorite: Clinton. Least favorite: Satan… I mean W. Thank you SO much for not making me answer "why" on these! My head probably would have exploded.

Here's how the forwarding for this meme works:

Now, if you have a blog and you want to be interviewed, leave me a note in the comments that says, "Interview me, please."

I will respond by asking you 5 questions, but not the same as the above questions. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions and interview someone else in the same post or new post.

On the road again...

I originally set up a separate blog for bitching and moaning about the little things that get on my nerves, but I decided that doing so isn't really authentic, so it's all gonna hang out here.

My husband is traveling for work again this week. I find it bitterly amusing that when I was growing up, I swore I'd never marry anyone in the military, the police, or who traveled for work. Not that I equate missing my husband during the week to wondering if he'll be killed on the job. I just always planned to marry someone who would be home with me the majority of the time. The concept of a husband who goes on frequent "business trips" was always synonymous in my mind with a cheater who didn't want to be at home. Yes, I've read too many trashy novels and watched too much daytime television. But I thought I'd NEVER be with someone who was gone so much. And look at me.

I think the worst part is that although I miss him insanely when he's gone, I have to admit that it's *nice* to have my own space every once in a while, in the comfort of my own home. How fucked up is that?!? Not that I've ever wanted to be codependent (though I suspect I have those tendencies), but it feels wrong to heave that little sigh of relief on those Monday mornings when he heads out. I'm a hermit at heart, which is part of it. And I love to keep my odd hours and do things when they strike me, which (for good reason) can drive him a little bonkers. So it's nice to have the house and critters to myself. I don't have to hear him chastise the cats for getting on the counter/table/tv/etc. (which I give them free reign to do), or complain about things piling up b/c I can only do housework in my weird OCD way. I can let the ferrets run around in rooms they're not "supposed" to, and fall asleep on the couch while they still have run of a good portion of the house.

It's also SO nice to feel so excited about him coming home. It's almost like in college, when he could only visit me on the weekends. We're by no means tired of each other (not sure that's even possible for us), but that anticipation and then pure joy when he walks in the door, that first hug and kiss and holding tight like we'll never let go again... I almost fall in love with him all over again that first time I look in his eyes after being apart for so long. Jesus, this is sounding lame. What am I, 13? But it's absolutely true, and I'm having a hard time reconciling with the idea that I'm ok with him traveling for work, when I fought the idea for so long.

Why don't I ever know how to end things I write? I've always been good at non-fiction writing, except for conclusions. I think I need a tagline... If anyone can suggest an alternative (and don't mind me using is) I'm certainly open, but here it is:

If you hear from me again, then I guess I'm not dead yet.

It figures...

There have been MANY times when I wanted/decided to start posting here, but procrastinated (because that's what I do). Today is different, simply because I feel too fucking stupid to post this on the one message board I participate in, as this is not at ALL on-topic for that board and a topic I don't want to get into there.

I have no sense of proportion. On a small scale or on a large scale. Time, size, distance, importance - my perception of *all* of these things is beyond skewed. Not that there are any universal guidelines, but my judgement doesn't tend to yield the same conclusions that most other people I know arrive at.

So here it is:

I took the trash out earlier, and a moth got into the house when I came back in. I tried to catch it for a while to put it back outside, but it eluded me and eventually ended up on the ceiling, where it's still hanging out now. I've always loved insects so I'm not by any means objective, but I don't want to leave it there, knowing that if it starts flying around again my cats will kill it. Never mind that from a pragmatic perspective (a) there are plenty more out there, (b) there's no guarantee that it wouldn't die the moment I put it outside from some other cause, and (c) it will die in a few days anyway. My brain screams these things to me, but my heart and soul refuse to allow me to accept either as an excuse to NOT save it. I'm not quite to the point of busting out my ladder and a glass to get it down, but if it doesn't move before I get tired, I'm sure that will happen.

I feel incredibly dippy for feeling this way, while at the same time incredulous that there are so few other people who feel the same. It's a delicate, fragile, vulnerable living being who I cannot begin to understand, let alone condemn to a torturous death at the hands/paws of my predator friends. I kill wasps (I'm increasingly allergic) and mosquitoes (West Nile + pets). I own some leather accessories. I eat meat and beat myself up every day over it. The right-to-lifers who carry picket signs AND antibacterial hand gel from Bath & Body Works make me simultaneously want to laugh and cry. But in essence, I'm one of them. I am a hypocrite. I'm an awful mix of painful introspection and self-destruction, so I do all manner of things that I believe are wrong and then punish myself for. I can explain away the food things as part-and-parcel of my eating disorder, and I've already rationalized the few genus/species of insects I choose to kill. The rest I have nothing to say about, except that I'm incapable of governing myself and establishing moral guidelines I can adhere to.

There is chicken in my fridge, and a moth on my ceiling.