Thursday, January 25, 2007

Easily Amused

Something I started doing last year was collecting spam subject lines. I wish I had started sooner because I know I got some doozies in the past that are now lost forever. Some of them are so bizarre that I've been tempted to open them just to see what was inside (don't worry - I'm not that impulsive). It's easy to just click "empty" on that Junk Mail folder after you've sorted out what shouldn't have been sent there, but have you ever actually read those little messages? The ones they think will somehow trick you into opening something you really shouldn't? It's worth it, every once in a while.

My criteria aren't especially rigorous, but still there aren't too many that qualify. I don't go for the easy laughs, so all the porn and "body part enhancement" messages are out. Besides, they're really not that funny, after you've seen the same one 20 times. I used to save the ones that strung together a bunch of random religious/biblical-looking words because some of the combinations were so strange while *almost* making sense that they made me laugh. But they don't stand the test of time: re-reading them a few weeks or months later just doesn't work. So those, for the most part, are deleted immediately.

After Christmas there was a serious dearth of funny spam subjects, and I despaired that everyone reprogrammed their bots or something. But this morning I awoke to find several giggle-inducing titles, and hope was restored! I decided it was time to share the wealth.

So for those of you who are also easily amused, I present:

My Funny Spam Collection

smuggle ruffle



Re: do cluster

It's not about slogans this time.

antler silence

them, money to fail: not be baldness upon your food month, Zif,

makes squishy noises when running.

in the land wherein we grope in him, I brought

Are molehill no sheriff

Or my wham

Which watchband so death

out of a naughty person, of their hooks were persuaded, that

gibe processor

Is my rhino

treacherous dahlia

Fred tried to change subjects to get Howard to do something else. [best part – the sender was "continental breakfast"]

watertight communist

impromptu pork chop

slovenly lover

my orange

And today's most shining gem:

it be semantic

Sunday, January 07, 2007


My fellow snark-meistress, katiedid over at Seldom Nice Nowadays tagged me for this one. I always start out these things thinking "I don't think I even have x # of what-have-yous," only to find that I have far too many in every category. So then I have to agonize about which ones get left out, and how I can explain it to them without hurting their feelings, and why I'm keeping the ones I am… So here are my over-thought answers:

FOUR jobs I have had

The two worst – each hellacious in their own way:

1) Sunroc – I spent two summers working in their bottled water cooler factory. There was no air conditioning. I had to be there at 7 am (I was a teenager in the summer!). And I'm 99% positive that I was the only female there with all her teeth. I got hit on a LOT. Also, I am ridiculously clumsy – a factory is NO place for someone like me. I banged my shins on the line and cut myself on sheet metal more times than I can recall. So to recap: numerous undesirable advances; bluejeans in 100-degree weather (safety regs); *ungodly* hours; and frequent injuries, a number of which I still bear the scars from. A real hoot.

2) MBNA – 9 months telemarketing. Need I say more?

And the two best – each lovely in its own way:

3) Fox Theater – this was the movie theater I worked at my senior year of high school. I got to see movies for free (me plus 1), got all the popcorn and soda I wanted while working, made lots of friends, and met a large number of boys. All in all, the perfect high school job!

4) DNREC – my last, and probably best job (for me) overall. I was reorganizing the paper files of large solid waste facilities into a new system that was set up before I got there. I got to work at my own pace, read all the dirt (heh. I crack myself up.) on the local landfills, learn new stuff all the time, and hide in a cubicle where I didn't have to talk to anyone. Plus, my boss and her boss were *amazing*. Also, I had that tv-movie moment where I won over the curmudgeon (who didn't want me there and griped that I would ruin the files, with reason – the gal before me was a total incompetent) with my intelligence and understanding of the files and what actually goes on with the various processes in permitting, inspections, etc. Hey. I'm not cool, but I'm pretty smart and I learn fast. And I love making people happy, and I definitely did in his case. He actually contributed to some lovely writings that earned me a commendation. Cinematic gold, I tell ya!

FOUR movies I could watch over and over

I rarely watch movies more than once – there are always others out there I haven't seen yet, and I'd rather watch something new. So I thought this category was going to be painfully difficult. And it was, but only because I wound up with more than 10 contenders, none of which I wanted to cut. The final selection:

1) Spirited Away – this movie is so magical and whimsical, with such wonderful character development (I couldn't stand Chihiro at the beginning of the movie), and such cute little anime critters… I could go on and on. It's a great fairytale/myth-type story that most children over 5 should love. Most Miyazaki films fall into that category (I really wanted to put Howl's Moving Castle on this list), but Spirited Away is the one I've watched the most, and probably love the most.

2) Galaxy Quest – this movie never fails to crack me up. Tony Shaloub is brilliant in it, and as a sci-fi geek there are countless things for me to laugh hysterically over. And it never gets old, somehow.

3) Grosse Pointe Blank – tied for first place as my favorite John Cusack movie. He's slightly less angsty and more wry/funny in this one, and the supporting cast is great. This only slightly edged out Better Off Dead because sometimes some of the jokes in that one wear thin for me. Only a few. GPB has yet to do that to me.

4) Monty Python and the Holy Grail – do I really need to explain? Didn't think so.

FOUR places I have lived apart from where I live now

I don't have 4 places. I don't know if that's sad, or proof that I'm doing the right thing…

1) Milford (Delaware)
2) Dover (Delaware)
3) Philly

FOUR TV shows that I love

This was difficult because I'm pathetically enamored of television. I love many many things on tv, and thank God for my tivo on a sadly regular basis.

1) Battlestar Galactica – as mentioned above, I am a sci-fi geek. And this is a phenomenal show, all sci-fi aside.

2) The OC – yes, I know it's nearly over, and is getting horrible ratings, and is trashy tv. But I love it. I love the trash, the silliness, and the odd family the Cohens have made for themselves. And I love that Marissa is finally gone, and with her dead weight (heh. I need to stop.) removed from Ryan's neck, he finally has a sense of humor! He was always sarcastic, but now he's intentionally funny! And happy! If only she'd died back in Mexico… I'll shut up now.

3) House – this character is my hero, and this show is my salvation in a sea of medically inept programs. I'd rather have a doctor like House any day over some touchy-feely jerk. And I love that, unlike shows like CSI, I'm not screaming at the tv from halfway through the show because characters who are supposedly experts in their fields can't figure out something simple and obvious. Like the freaking CSI where it took Grissom and the ME (a *doctor* for fox ache!) half the episode to figure out that fruity breath = diabetes. Grrr!!! I could see if maybe they had heard the description and forgotten it till later, but nooooo. They jumped right on it and pulled out their medical books looking up obscure shit for 20 minutes while I shrieked, "It's fucking diabetes you assholes!" I have never had a moment like that with House. All shows involving science and/or medicine should be required to consult with people on the level of those talking to the House people. Seriously.

And, because the genre should be represented and Katie snubbed them all…

4) Judge Judy – I love almost all the "judge shows" (as I call them), but this/she is my favorite. I really do wish she would develop her own fragrance. She could call it "Beauty Fades, But You Can Smell Nice Forever!"

FOUR places I have been on holiday

1) NYC – only for weekends, which is the only way I can tolerate it. I love the city, I just don't travel well and really don't do people or crowds or noise well, let alone all together! The shopping is divine, though, and the food is better!

2) Atlanta – if I had to live in a city, this would be the one. It doesn't feel like a city, and the food there is on par with NYC. Love the churrascarias!

3) Florida – we did Orlando for our honeymoon.

4) The Delaware beaches, more times than I can count.

FOUR websites I visit daily

1) – more specifically, the fragrance board. I'm an addict, and the people rock!


3) ebay

4) – I said I love tv. Did you think I was kidding?

FOUR favorite foods

Unsurprisingly, none of these are healthy.

1) A *good* cannoli

2) A good caesar salad (Houston's makes my favorite)

3) My white chicken chili. I got the recipe somewhere and modified it to my tastes (not very "hot", but lots of flavor). My version has won at least one chili cookoff! And while I have made healthy versions (you'll see where easy substitutions can be made) this one is the tastiest:

Creamy White Chili
1 lb boneless skinless chicken breasts, cut into ½" cubes
1 tsp onion powder
1 ½ tsp garlic powder
1 tb vegetable oil
2 cans (15.5 oz each) great northern beans, rinsed & drained
1 can (14.5 oz) chicken broth
1 tsp salt
1 tsp cumin
1 tsp paprika
½ tsp pepper
dash cayenne pepper
1 c sour cream
½ c whipping cream

In large saucepan, sauté chicken, onion and garlic powders in oil until chicken is no longer pink. Add beans, broth, and seasonings. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer, uncovered, for 30 minutes. Remove from heat, stir in sour cream and cream. Serve immediately.

4) And, last but not least, this cheese soup:

Savory Cheese Soup
4 tb butter or margarine
¼ c flour
¼ tsp salt
1/8 tsp pepper
½ tsp onion powder
1/8 tsp garlic powder
2 c milk
1 can (14.5 oz) chicken broth
2 c shredded cheddar
½ c shredded mozzarella

Melt butter in a large saucepan over medium heat. Add flour, salt, pepper, onion powder, and garlic powder. Stir till smooth. Add milk, cook and stir over med heat till thickened and bubbly. Meanwhile, bring chicken broth to boil in a small saucepan. Add to milk mixture and stir till blended. Add cheeses; cook and stir till melted (do not boil). I omit the mozzarella if I don't have it, or I substitute asiago or parmesan in its place for an even more strongly cheesy flavor! Any blend of cheeses is delicious!

FOUR places I would rather be right now

Nowhere, really. I'm a hermit, and I love being here in my house with my husband and my critters and my computer and my tv! Most people don't get this, but I'm well past the point of caring. I'm happy just the way I am :~D

FOUR books I enjoy reading over and over again

1) Good Omens – this gets funnier every time I read it! Both authors were in fine form for this collabo!

2) Wishes – this is one of my all-time favorite romance novels. It's sweet and funny, not overwrought or sappy. Not as racy as some that I love, but it just makes me feel good when I read this one!

3) The Stand – This book only just edges out The Talisman, and I think it's mostly because King has so many more amazing characters in the former than the latter. He is a genius at creating characters that interest me and draw me in, and he's a master at killing them! Plus his imagination is nearly limitless. I think The Stand is one of his best works, and I could probably read it annually.

4) A Medicine For Melancholy and Other Stories – while this book belongs on this little list on its own merits, it is also here to represent every book of short fiction Ray Bradbury has written. Because I can reread them *all* into infinity. I think I've just read this one more because it's the only one I have a handy copy of. They're all phenomenal, though.

There are a bajillion books that deserve honorable mentions, but I'm pretty sure my yapping is starting to wear thin by now (assuming anyone has even made it this far).

FOUR CDs that never leave my regular rotation

Lateralus – all Tool albums also belong to this list, but this is my favorite (very closely followed by Aenima)

Gumby – I stole this cd from my brother years ago, and I love it. LOVE. It's funny, of course, but there's also some good music on it. And I smile whenever any of the songs pop up on my ipod.

Hair – most people know I adore this album. But I must praise it some more while I have this opportunity. The music is awesome. The sentiment is as much, if not more so. Most songs bring a smile to my face when they come on, and if I listen to the album from start to finish I cry. Every time. It moves me.

Violator – DM makes great music. Period. This is my favorite album, but runners-up include: Songs of Faith and Devotion, Music For the Masses, Black Celebration, and Some Great Reward.

FOUR people I am tagging (no pressure, guys)

The Oh-So-Fine M