Monday, July 21, 2008

More importantly

Holy shit! I just rated Chris on good old Doctor Crane's scale (don't know why I didn't do it earlier).

78.5! And that's being nitpicky with the points! The online check +/- version gave him a 110!

So that's it, my husband is "very superior". I knew that long ago, of course - it's part of why I snatched him up! - but it's still daunting. There are a few areas I wish that scale addressed for the modern age, but most are unprintable...

Still, gotta figure out an easy way to score some points! Anyone want my red nail polish?

Thursday, July 17, 2008


Why is it that I can hate (HATE!) Rush musically, but love them on the Colbert Report? I love the intro replacement already. How many more accessions can a gal be forced to make in the name of pop culture?

Monday, July 14, 2008

It's our anniversary!

Doesn't he just have the best taste in flowers?

Monday, July 07, 2008

Flip Side

Since I discovered what a piss-poor wife I am, I had to know if I might be a better husband. And since the tool was available, I implemented it. For the purposes of not confusing myself or weirding myself out, I'm replacing every instance of "wife" in the scale with "husband" and "her" with "him". And just a reminder: the "children" I'm answering questions about all have tails. Thankfully – for myself and for mankind – I am not responsible for any human children.

I do want to mention that there was a lot of overlap of questions from the "wife" scale, which I view as a good thing, since it means even back then spouses were holding each other to similar standards. Of course, there were no demerits on the "husband" scale for his nail polish color choices...

Husband's Chart
George W. Crane, PhD, M.D.

"In computing the score, check the various items under DEMERITS which fit the wife, and add the total. Each item counts one point unless specifically weighted as in the parentheses. Then check the items under MERITS which apply; now subtract the DEMERIT score from the MERIT score. The result is the wife's raw score. Interpret it according to this table:"

Raw Scores - Interpretation
0 - 24 = Very Poor (failures)
25 - 41 = Poor
42 - 58 = Average
59 - 75 = Superior
76 and up = Very Superior


1. Gives husband ample allowance or turns paycheck over to him (5) – When I was working, my paycheck went into the pot. And I encourage him to spend our "extra" in ways that will make him happy. Seems equivalent to me – +5

2. Courteous to husband's friends – Always! Luckily, Chris isn't friends with assholes. Or, at least, if he is he doesn't make me spend time around them. – +1

3. Frequently compliments husband re: looks, cooking, housekeeping, etc. (5) – Absolutely! And it's always true – +5

4. Remembers birthdays, anniversaries, etc. (5) – I forgot our wedding anniversary once (I think it was our 3rd or 4th), but to be fair he also forgot it that year. We were both home, I realized the date, and freaked. I ran downstairs and said, "Do you know what day it is?!?" and he looked at me for a moment, then said, "Shit! It's our anniversary! I forgot!" And I said, "Oh thank God, me too!" Never before or since – +4

5. Helps husband with dishes, caring for children, scrubbing – Um, yeah. It's my job. – +1

6. Polite and mannerly even when alone with husband – Well, sure! I don't rudely demand things or call him names or anything. I know how to say "please" and "thank you", and do so frequently. I'm no ogress! – +1

7. Consults husband's opinion re: business and social affairs – He's a smart guy! Why wouldn't I want his input? Why would I marry someone whose opinion I didn't respect or want? – +1

8. Has date with husband at least once per week (5 per date) – Sadly, we are very much homebodies. We go out, but with him traveling and family obligations intervening, it's most definitely less than once a week – 0

9. Reads newspaper, books, or magazines aloud to husband –I do, though I'm not sure he appreciates it – +1

10. A good conversationalist – As long as someone else initiates it! – +1

11. Steady worker and good provider (5) – How about "sporadic worker and not a provider"? – o

12. Leaves car for husband on days he may need itAhhhhh… the historical context kicks in. When we've been rendered a 1-car household by circumstances, I have always given him "dibs" on the vehicle – +1

13. Handy about house re fixing iron, vacuum, hanging pictures, etc. – I think I'm the opposite of handy. When I *try* to be handy, I make things worse. Much worse. Oh, except when it comes to the vacuum – something about that thing resonates and I've fixed a few issues with it – but my failures elsewhere far outweigh my successes with the vac – 0

14. Enjoys taking husband along with him wherever she goes – I do! Luckily for him, I don't go very many places – +1

15. Doesn't interfere with husband's correction of children – Hell no! I actively encourage it! They are evil and behave badly, and I am too much of a pushover to discipline them properly. I'm more of an "encourager" than a disciplinarian+1

16. Carries adequate insurance for family (5) – Sadly, no. People with my mental health history don't easily qualify for life insurance (which is what I'm assuming this question is referring to), and I'm too lazy and worried about what I'd have to go through to get it – 0

17. Doesn't quarrel with husband before children or the public – It's more bickering than quarreling, but I don't hold my tongue. Should I pretend all is well, and then ambush him when we're alone? That's somehow better? – 0

18. Makes guests feel welcome – an interesting entertainer+1

19. Often tells husband she loves him (5) – Probably to excess, but I'd rather say it too often than miss an opportunity and regret it later – +5

20. Usually comes home with a smile – Of course! Especially if he happens to be there when I arrive – +1

21. Shares her business and personal problems with him – Again, probably to excess – +1

22. Holds husband's coat and opens doors for him – I really do. Why not? It's all about making the other person's life easier! – +1

23. Good humored in the morning – This is tricky. If I get up when my body tells me to, I'm in a *lovely* mood. If I have to get up for an appointment or plans or something and I'm still sleepy, I'm a huge grouch for the first hour or so. I think partial credit is in order here – +0.5

24. Even-temperedHeh. – 0

25. Does not use tobacco+1

26. Interested in athletics – Well, I'm interested in the athletics of others, especially as it pertains to their physiques. But I'm reasonably certain that's not what was meant here! – 0

27. Writes often and lovingly when away from home – I'm counting emails and texting. I can hardly write letters when he's only gone 4 days out of the week! Oh, Dr. Crane, could you have predicted free nationwide long distance? Cell phones? – +1

28. Plays with children or helps them with lessons (5) – Sometimes I feel like all I *do* is play with our children! – +5

29. Willing to go shopping with husband – Mostly. It depends on what for, and what mood I'm in – +0.5

30. Waits up for husband or calls for him at his party – Uh, no. And in this day and age that would be a little creepy/stalker-y. Now, if his ass wasn't home when I woke up the next day that would be a whole new ballgame! – 0

31. Neat in appearance – shoes shined, hair cut, suit pressed – Sure, when I need to be! In the spirit of this point, if not literally – +1

32. Attends church or urges children to attend Sunday school (10) – I almost want to give myself points for this because if/when we have a *human* child, I will want to give him/her some sort of spiritual framework to build on. But I myself am not the churchgoing sort, and since we only have children of other species, I don't want to cheat – 0

33. Attends parent-teacher meeting and educational lectures – I educate myself continually about our critters, and the most recent info on what is best for them, so I'm taking this point – +1

34. Ambitious – works or studies to gain promotion –Nope – 0

35. Surprises husband occasionally with candy, flowers, gifts – Absolutely! Though usually it's funny t-shirts, steaks, and/or other random stuff – +1

36. A fast and efficient worker, not the puttering sort – If only! – 0

37. Willingly prepares own breakfast+1

38. Ardent lover – sees that husband has orgasm in marital congress (20) – Easiest 20 points I've ever earned! Though I must say that this is a bit unfair, balanced against the wifely equivalent of "reacts with pleasure and delight to marital congress" which was only worth 10 points. If anything, it should be 10 points for this (really 5 or 1 – providing the wife with orgasms should be a given!) and 20 points for the wife, since her pleasure is likely to be at least marginally less regular so she must therefore *muster* a reaction, whereas the husband usually just involuntarily *has* a positive reaction. But whatever. I get points! – +20

39. Shows husband attention and affection in public (5)+5

40. Is a careful auto driver – Hell yeah! Especially since I have to be doubly careful thanks to all the assholes out there who can't drive for shit (I'm looking at *you*, punks who totaled our other two cars!) – +1

41. Kind, but firm and the head of her household – We're a team, TYVM! – 0

42. Well liked by women, courageous – not a sissy – On principle, I'm not so sure about that "well liked by women" thing – I'd rather women be indifferent to my hubby, personally. But I am so NOT a sissy! – +1

43. Is true to her husband (10)+10

44. Eats whatever is served without grumbling or criticism – I get points for this only because when he cooks, it's overwhelmingly awesome. If he made bad food, I would whine whine whine. – +1

45. Her children are pleased at her arrival home (5)+5

46. Tries to keep husband equipped with modern labor saving devices (5) – We had tivo before it was popular. And I consider our lawn service to be one of the best "labor saving devices" I have equipped Chris with – +5

47. Gives husband real movie kisses not dutiful "peck" on the cheek – This one amuses the heck out of me. – +1

48. If husband is ill, phones from work to inquire about him+1

49. Neatly hangs up clothes on hooks or hangers+1

50. Kisses husband when leaving for work or a trip+1

TOTAL MERITS: 96 (I rock!)


1. Stares at or flirts with other men while out with husband (5) – Going by my "wife scale" answer for this one – -2

2. Reads newspaper at the table – For the modern equivalent: we eat most of our meals in the living room with me on the computer *and* watching tv, while he plays WOW. Thank goodness this is only one point! – -1

3. Fails to come to table promptly when meal is ready – Heck no! If the food is ready, I'm there! – 0

4. Brings guests home for meals without warning husband – I would never! I hardly ever have guests here period, and there's *always* a warning, usually of several days! – 0

5. Doesn't phone when late for dinner0

6. Compares husband unfavorably with her father or other husbands (5) – Nope! I know I've got a good thing! – 0

7. Publicly praises "single" days and regrets having marriedNevah. Evah. – 0

8. Criticizes husband in public (5) – I do, but not horrendously so. Just little things every once in a while – -1

9. Belches without apology or blows nose at table – Totally. Well, sometimes I remember to excuse myself, but definitely not enough to meet Dr. Crane's lofty standards! – -1

10. Leaves dresser drawers open – Nope. I bang into enough shit as it is – why would I add more corners and edges to wound myself on? – 0

11. Leaves shoes in living room – Are you kidding? With ferrets? I'm pretty sure Dr. Crane would disapprove of where we do leave them (the dining room), but that wasn't the question so I'm not taking the hit – 0

12. Snores – Unfortunately I've always been a snorer. I also talk in my sleep, usually nonsense. And I steal the covers. And take over the bed. I'm an extremely rude sleeper. – -1

13. Careless in bathroom – leaves razor out or ring around tub – No ring around the tub, but I leave everything else (razor included) lying around. Hey, at least I hang up my towels! – -1

14. Fails to bathe or change socks often enough – I change my socks and clothes all the time, but I definitely don't shower enough (not for Dr. Crane, anyway!). Water conservation, y'all! – -1

15. Fails to brush teeth regularly or keep nails clean – Oh, ew. These two things I'm religious about. I also wash my hands a LOT, and floss frequently. – 0

16. Dislikes to dress or shave on Sunday – Sunday and every other day! – -1

17. Hangs ties or clothes on doorknobs0

18. Picks teeth, nose, or sucks teeth in public – No, though it's tempting after eating popcorn! – 0

19. Objects to husband driving auto – Hell, no! I practically demand it! I don't really like driving, especially at night. Though his car is fun to drive! I prefer to be a passenger, though. – 0

20. Uses profanity or vulgarity – Scroll up, Dr. Crane. – -1

21. Blames husband for everything that goes wrong – Can I take a point back for this? Because I'm such a guilt queen that I blame myself for everything that goes wrong, even when I shouldn't. – 0

22. Complains of being too tired to go out at night with husband – Only when it's true, but I'll take it. – -1

23. Is suspicious and jealous – Sure am. It's my nature, and he tolerates it kindly. – -1

24. Uses alcohol. If ever drunk (5)-5

25. Tells lies, not dependable (5)0

26. Angry if newspaper is disarranged – Welcome to the digital age, Dr. Crane! I do get pissed when Vista rearranges all my little window buttons at the bottom of my screen while my laptop is in standby, so I think that counts unfortunately – -1

27. Stubborn – rarely admits that he is wrong. Seldom apologizes (5) – One of my positive traits is that I'm willing and able to admit when I'm in error or have messed something up. I don't comprehend people who are otherwise. How hard is it? What's the worst that can happen? Jeez! Oh, and I apologize well too. – 0

28. Talks of efficiency of her stenographer or other men – Would this translate to a secretary/personal assistant? The lawn guys? Regardless, I don't do it. – 0

29. Teases husband for fatness, slowness, etc. – Hell no! And I think a spouse who does that is a bit fucked up and wandering into the territory of emotional abuse. – 0

30. Tells embarrassing things about husband when out in public – Not that I can think of. Certainly not intentionally! – 0

31. Makes fun of husband's hats, clothes, cooking, housekeeping, etc. – No way! His clothes are great, and I wouldn't dream of doing anything that jeopardized his doing any cooking or housework! Now, I will rearrange the dishwasher into a more efficient layout if I need to, and I've been known to re-fold clothing, but that's my OCD and not mockery, and he knows it. – 0

32. Smokes in bed0

33. Calls "Where is... ?" without first hunting for the object – Well, of course! Why waste time searching for something if he might know where it is? This is just stupid. Whatever. -1

34. Monopolizes radio on Sunday as for the baseball broadcasts – More fun with anachronism! I do monopolize the tv, but if he has a game he wants to watch I surrender it. I figure I ought to, considering I'm using it 90% of the time! I'm not taking a point because I share when it counts, dammit. – 0

35. Dislikes children, or scolds them too harshly0

36. A chronic ailer or patent medicine addict0

37. Writes on tablecloth with pencil WTF is this?!? I don't know why anyone would do this, and I certainly can't think of a modern equivalent! – 0

38. A chronic braggart or boaster0

39. Argues with or curses other motorists – I do, but only in the confines of my car and with the windows up. I am so not confrontational. You never know who has a bat or a crowbar or a firearm. – 0

40. Will not help husband's relatives as much as her own – Sadly, this is true. I am very selfish with my time. Plus, I have more relatives close by who actually need help. – -1

41. Rolls in bed covers – pulls them off husband – See "Demerits #12" – -1

42. Eats onions, radishes, or garlic before dates or going to bed-1

43. Addicted to gambling0

44. Defers too much to father, a "daddy's girl" (5) – I'm a daddy's girl, sure, and a mama's girl. But not in a way that affects our marriage. – 0

45. Belittles husband's opinions, his judgement, or ability (5)0

46. Opens husband's mail – Of course! In addition to being nosy, dealing with the mail and filing the paperwork that comes in that route is one of my jobs around the house. Why should he have to worry his pretty lil' head about that sort of thing? And to reiterate my "wife scale" answer – why should it matter? He who has nothing to hide, hides nothing. – -1

47. Boasts about his former boyfriends or conquests (5) – Nah. I could, but that would just be tacky. – 0

48. Leaves lights burning all over the house – I'm getting better about it! It's something I'm genuinely working on. But I'm not there yet. – -1

49. Kisses husband just after his makeup has been applied – LOL! I can't really think of an equivalent action here. I've kissed him after my makeup was applied, but he doesn't seem to mind it much. – 0

50. Too much a book worm – doesn't talk to wife enough when home – I'm pretty sure I talk to him enough, but I'm a complete book worm. And tv worm. And computer worm. Or whatever you call someone who gets engrossed in any of those things. And I can be pissy about it if I'm caught up on something and he (or anyone, really) interrupts. – -1


GRAND TOTAL: 71! Superior!

Conclusion: I am a much better husband than wife. Who knew?

And I'm sure there are sexist assholes out there thinking that this is just what's wrong with society these days: wimmin acting too much like the menfolk. I would like to send them a bottle of red nail polish, along with some instructions as to where they can insert it.