Thursday, March 27, 2008


Color me lame, but I am SO excited!!!

My "judge shows" - Judge Judy, The People's Court, Judge Alex, etc. - now have a Daytime Emmy category of their own! I'll admit that Judge Alex is one of my MySpace friends, but my heart belongs to Judge Judy.

This is long past due. I know "the cases are real", but there is also an art to selecting cases and then directing/editing how they are mediated/adjudicated. I miss the hell out of Texas Justice, but I always admitted (complained) that they never reigned in the litigants sufficiently, which resulted in cases that were difficult/irritating to follow. And Judge Mathis may be a fair mediator, but the editing of his show makes it look (maybe realistically, maybe not - how is a viewer to know?) like he makes up his mind early on, and not always from a legal standpoint. I assume that the decisions are always legally sound. And with this assumption being a given, I therefore expect the shows to frame the entertainment in such a way as to make the ruling clear and understandable, while still showing the fun parts. And some shows do a far better job than others.

If the people of America want to air their petty complaints on tv, shouldn't they be judged for/on it? I say yes!

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Night Owl

I am nocturnal. While the rest of the world is off at work, I'm snug in my bed. While the world sleeps. I'm up and about, doing my thing. I take a lot of crap for this, mostly good-natured, but it's what my body and brain want and I'm lucky enough to have the freedom to go with it. Even when I get on a day schedule, it doesn't last - I start falling asleep later and later, until I'm back on the night shift. It can be inconvenient for trying to get together with my diurnal friends and family, but I make it work.

I think 4 a.m. is my favorite time of day. It's almost magical. I can go outside, and the world feels fresh and new (even in the dank humidity of August). There is evidence of mankind all around, but it's like all of humanity has vanished and I'm the only person in the world. And yes, to me that is a good thing. Y'all know by now that I'm a hermit, don't you? And I know that there's this whole other side of the world who are awake while I am (the ones my then 3-year-old niece said are "stealing our sun" when I tried to explain the revolution of the planet and day vs. night). But they' aren't evident to my early-morning senses.

4 a.m. is lovely because I know the sun is coming soon, but it's pitch dark and still. And I'm not in that place of, "Oh my God, I'm up at 4 in the morning! I have a long/crappy/etc. day ahead of me!" Instead, I have the lovely feeling of my day winding down while everything is soft and peaceful.

At 5:30, I hear the train that goes through town. Every time, it makes me think of "City of New Orleans". But in a good way, because the song was kinda wrong. I'm usually in bed, reading, when the sun comes up. I read for a few hours before bed every day. I can glance over at the window every once in a while and see it gradually getting brighter outside.

Just like an afternoon nap, sleeping during the day feels luxurious and somehow sinful. And I get to experience this "unnatural" decadence every day. I get the same 8 or so hours as most people, I just choose to take them at off-peak hours.

That's all I have to say about that, I think. I sleep in the day. Deal with it.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Common Sense - Part 4 of ?

*Note/disclaimer: I may refer to people who have been abused, who suffer from eating disorders, and other related issues/circumstances in the third person throughout these posts, but that's mainly a device. I'm mostly talking about myself, other people I know, and the results of research I've done in the furtherance of my own understanding of what the hell is wrong with me. I am by no means attempting to make blanket statements that apply to all (or even a majority) of people who are or have been in any situation I have been. Also, sexist though it may be, I'll be using "she", "her", "the girl(s)" and other feminine pronouns/references for my writing, though anyone with any sort of understanding of EDs and abuse knows that males are also victims and sufferers. I'm simplifying things for my writing, that's all.

*** Warning – potential trigger(s) for abuse survivors and/or ED sufferers ***

File this post under "massively overdue". More than a year. Yes, I'm that much of a procrastinator. I meant to write about it back then, but then a bunch of bad shit happened, followed by more bad shit, and I didn't want to write about anything, let alone this subject. But since I'm back on it, I guess it's time.

I'm not big on interacting with people in the "real world" for the reasons detailed in my previous "Common Sense" posts, but I love talking online because I am exposed to so many different backgrounds and perspectives that I learn new things all the time, often from unexpected people/places. And this breakthrough/whatever is exactly why I feel this way. In this case, I was talking about my bulimia in a yahoo group that isn't eating disorder or abuse related, and it was mostly as an intellectual discussion about what does and does not constitute mental "health". One of the members there, out of the blue made a comparison I had never considered that makes an amazing amount of sense: purging is like smoking a cigarette.

It was like a freaking lightning bolt went off in my head! That's pretty much *exactly* it! And I should have seen it before - lord knows I've analyzed this thing from every angle I can think of, alone and with books and websites and other people. Pretty much any source available, I've used. It took a stranger with no real investment in the issue to see it from somewhere new and also true.

Once I started thinking about it, all kinds of parallels started jumping out at me. I started (as most girls do) b/p-ing around the same time that most people take up smoking. Some people can quit easily, others can't kick it no matter what. Some people can limit themselves (b/p-ing once a day : someone only having one or two cigarettes) while others get totally consumed (b/p-ing 10 - 20+ times a day : smoking 1 - 2+ packs per day). People who have quit still feel those urges, and often "fall off the wagon". And, like smoking, there is a definite physical/chemical dependence on the bulimia. From what I've heard/read, the feelings people get when they smoke (relief, release, calm, etc.) are very similar to what a purge does for me. God knows both things are addictive and compulsive. And they're both pretty darn bad for you! I could go on and on comparing these things. I feel like such an idiot for not seeing it before!

So now I kind of understand how it is people take up smoking as a habit/addiction, even though the first few cigarettes are awful. I've tried cigarettes twice in my life, both times when I was drunk and in a horrible mood (which in and of itself says something), and couldn't get past the pain in my lungs. But I have asthma and especially sensitive airways, and I'm pretty sure that I'm overly sensitive to smoke if not downright allergic. If I wasn't, though, I can now see how I might have become a smoker. Lord knows vomiting up your food isn't pleasant. But I kept doing it, didn't I? And people keep smoking.

I know this is a lot of gabbing, but this is/was such a lightbulb moment for me. I feel like I can finally discuss my ED in terms that a larger number of people might be able to wrap their minds around. And it makes it a lot simpler for me to think about, and I actually feel a lot less guilty about it this way. Less like a freak.

Not that I am trying to minimize or act like either behavior is acceptable. Neither is good, and neither should be undertaken by a rational, healthy individual. Period. And I know I'm going to sound like a hypocrite now, but I think smoking is a truly nasty habit. Not that bulimia is any better (it can certainly kill you quicker if you're not careful and is probably more destructive overall to the person doing it), but at least it isn't polluting the environment or endangering the health of those in close proximity. Or irritating me. Heh. So comparing something I have come to live with and accept to something I find truly abhorrent feels strange to me, but I understand (intellectually, at least) that most people feel the same way about the behaviors *I* engage in, while understanding smoking at least somewhat. And there are a number of people I know and love who are smokers - some casual, some serious - so this isn't a rejection or embrace of any one group of people. I'm hoping that this post - and idea - can bring people together in a greater understanding of these things that we do to ourselves.

Now if only they made some sort of *patch* to help me quit...

Questions? Comments?