Friday, September 30, 2005

Here's hoping

*** Warning: possible trigger ***

I've been gone for a while, but that's not the whole reason I haven't posted. I'm a monster procrastinator, especially when it comes to disclosure and authenticity. I wanted/intended to put this post off till *after* this weekend, when I'll be seeing people who may well read this before I see them next. I'm such a freakin' scaredy-cat. But not a total one, 'cause here I go!

As of the end of August/beginning of September, I started doing Weight Watchers - the Core plan. This is my first serious attempt to lose weight in several years, and my first REAL attempt to deal with food in a healthy way in over a decade. The beauty of the Core plan is that they have a list of foods I can eat without measuring. A BIG list. I also get 35 "free" points each week to spend however I want on food, and I can earn more by exercising. This is perfect for me because I can NOT control my eating. I have no "Off" button. I don't have the discipline to do Flex - I'm too lazy and impulsive to weigh and journal everything that goes into my mouth, and I can't do portion control.

I'm bulimic and have been for 12 years. Once I start eating, I have a hard time stopping. It's so hard to explain what goes on in my head when I eat, but what follows is the best approximation I can give. In the past (and still in the present sometimes), whenever I ate *anything* my mind immediately told me "that will make you fat", so I knew I had to purge to get rid of the fattening food. And since I *already* had to purge, I might as well make it "worth the effort," so I'd pig out and maximize the binge. I didn't start out this way, and never intended to get to this point. I don't think anyone does.

Core works for me because it's a *proven* weight-loss plan, and there are tons of foods on the list that I like. I can eat till I feel full, and if my mind tries to go to the negative "fat" thoughts, there's a rational and real way to deal with them. The foods I'm eating *won't* make me fat, since so many people have lost weight and kept it off by using this plan. If I eat a big bunch of grapes, or 2 pieces of chicken, it's ok because they're on the list of foods I don't have to measure. I can silence that first negative voice/impulse. I can stop the binge before it really starts, which makes it that much easier to talk myself out of purging. Because I DO still have to talk myself out of it. It isn't something that can just be switched off, though I wish it were. But with Core, logic trumps the irrational unhealthy thinking and urges, and it's a HUGE weight off my mind.

I'm by no means abstinent yet, but just having the daily impulse removed is SUCH a huge relief, I can't even begin to describe it. I have the control I entered into my ED looking for, and I feel like I might get a handle on my ED. I honestly didn't think that would ever happen. For the first time in YEARS, I feel like I might actually be able to get the bulimia under control, and that is an amazing feeling. I wish I had done this sooner.

Aside from all that (which is wonderful beyond belief) I've lost 6 pounds that I don't ever intend to gain back. I need to get a good digital scale so I can keep better track of my weight, and be able to track the small losses and gains better. But 6 pounds! That's 12 sticks of butter! And that, my friends, is a great start to healthy living.


Kate said...

Oh Trina, a BIG hug to you! This society really messes up women's minds. I'm so glad you've found something that helps you work through this. I feel so sad that you have bulimia, but I'm happy you feel like you have control now. I will send you my good thoughts to keep it that way. Love, Kate.

katiedid said...

Oh wow Trina, I'm really proud of you. And thank you for sharing that with us. I'm happy you seem to have hit upon a plan that works for you. And it's always good to have a plan. I'm wishing you so much luck right now. I'd give you a big ol' bear hug right now if I could!

Kyahgirl said...

You brave woman. I'm so glad you're shared this story. Its always easier to shoulder a load when a few loving friends are around to help. An eating disorder is such a painful way to suffer.

Big huge hugs to you sweet Trina.


Trina said...

Thank you so much guys! Your words mean more than I can express adequately here.

Jonniker said...

{{{T-Diddy}}} I had no idea. you've got balls, my love, and I love that. So proud of you!

Interestingly I have a friend in the same situation and WW really, really helped her.

I'm so glad you came out. I wish I could hug you! xxoo

Trina said...

Thanks, J! Big hugs right back at ya!

stacy said...

You're definitely brave. Thank you for putting that out there for everyone to read. You might be surprised at the amount of people that this will help, seriously.
By the way, I just found your blog, I didn't even know you had one! I'm putting up a link to you on my blog right now!