On ice

So, yeah. I sprained my fucking ankle last night. A very mild sprain, but it still hurts like a bitch if I try to walk on it "normally" or if I turn it the wrong way. Luckily the swelling is minimal, I can put some weight on it, and I am in the fortunate position of being able to sit around on my ass for days on end.

Thank goodness Acme delivers! I'll be fully stocked in sodas, convenience foods, and Ace bandages by 2:30 pm tomorrow.

Disappointment

So I decided to DVR "Whatever, Martha!" (on the Fine Living Network, whatever the fuck that is). Early press hailed it as MST3K for the Martha Stewart show. I've been known to snark a bit myself (I know you're shocked - please contain yourself) and was looking forward to some fun. Martha is SO eminently snark-able! Instead, I'm faced with her daughter (Alexis Stewart) and a "friend" (Jennifer Koppelman Hutt) proving that they are capable of neither intelligent thought NOR true snark.

There are too many bad jokes/comments to list them ALL here without boring myself out of my mind, but I have to mention a few.

Ooh! Math! No one watching could possibly be capable of basic addition or subtraction! "Eunh??!" + a scrunchy face does NOT equal humorous commentary. And wow. A joke about having (plural) therapists. Steal from SNL much? Seriously - they commented her outfits to death. It's fucking Martha Stewart! Of course she wears ridiculous clothes! Are you telling me you grew up with her and that's all you can come up with? Please. And you dropped the f-bomb once and it got bleeped! You're totally speaking to the youth culture! *sigh* And heaven forfend we accept our bodies - nudity in the locker room?!? How dare females transitioning from a workout/shower to their street clothes (in a supposedly safe environment) DARE to allow their anatomy to go uncovered for a moment? Just because you, Jennifer, are uncomfortable with your body, doesn't mean the rest of us should be. Grow the fuck up! You mentioned you have children - are you seriously raising them with these neuroses? You have such a problem with people (male AND female) being comfortable in a naked but non-sexual environment? I pity you. I truly do.


Enough bitching. I will now mention the few highlights (the ones that actually made me laugh):


- a joke about Martha's comment that she uses a rubber mat to protect her knees when she kneels. And that fell flat because while the innuendo was clear, they did nothing with it. If you're going to joke about blow jobs (please do!) actually make the jokes. And have them be good!

- Commentary on the guy who is a "twine collector" - Jennifer: "He's sexually turned on by twine." Alexis: "There's a hole in it." This did actually crack me up.

- More on twine: "It looks like a coconut." I only mention this because I said it a millisecond before the chick on the show did (no, I couldn't tell which). It always makes me inexplicably happy when something I think/say is repeated on the tv show I'm commenting on.


Sadly missed? Jokes about "holding the tip" and "squeeze with this hand and hold with this hand" and doing "anything you like" in the cupcake icing segment. Seriously? This is cable! No cock humor?

I'm sure the show suffered a bit because Martha was actively involved. I'm glad she has at least a modicum of humor about herself and her image, but her involvement most likely inhibited what could have been a truly entertaining show. If only they had waited the 20+ years for copyrights to expire, and really applied the rapier!

I think the worst part is that my friends and I can do (and have done!) similar but better to Martha and a number of other shows. Why watch this, when I can record any old thing and then do a better job with people I actually give a shit about?


Alexis? Your mom kicks your ass. I will tune in for a few more shows, until the fall schedule really gets underway. Either it will improve by then, or I will have lost my patience. Current tv programming and Netflix leave no room for subpar shows. I wish this one hadn't registered so poorly so soon. I was really looking forward to it!

Wine + CNN

= donations to the Obama/Biden campaign. I can't wait till my magnet gets here!

I'm so glad there are journalists (and blogs) picking apart political speeches now. The one time I did it (was it almost 3 years ago already?!?) it was a lot of work and infuriated me. I'd much rather hang out on Jezebel and snark with a bunch of likeminded folks who are as in-the-moment outraged as I!

Kiki, I hope you have an extra room or two available in case things go to shit in November!

Fuck Fruit Sensations

I don't give a shit how long the flavor lasts. What I do give a shit about it the new "15 piece pack" gum packaging from Extra - it SUCKS!!!

I'm sure if one is a person who carries a teeny tiny purse, or if one is a dude who for some reason needs to carry 15 sticks of gum in his pocket, it's an improvement. But it's a bitch to get the gum out of the package now, and the package is a pain in the ass to close. Why even make a lid/closure on it? Every piece is glued in so tightly you have to give yourself cardboard cuts to remove one!

Saddest of all is that I will continue to suffer, because nothing makes me happier than sugar-free watermelon flavored gum. I waited years for it. So as much as principle has me wanting to boycott the punks, I just can't do it.

I am weak. WEAK!

More importantly

Holy shit! I just rated Chris on good old Doctor Crane's scale (don't know why I didn't do it earlier).

78.5! And that's being nitpicky with the points! The online check +/- version gave him a 110!

So that's it, my husband is "very superior". I knew that long ago, of course - it's part of why I snatched him up! - but it's still daunting. There are a few areas I wish that scale addressed for the modern age, but most are unprintable...

Still, gotta figure out an easy way to score some points! Anyone want my red nail polish?

WTF?

Why is it that I can hate (HATE!) Rush musically, but love them on the Colbert Report? I love the intro replacement already. How many more accessions can a gal be forced to make in the name of pop culture?

It's our anniversary!

Doesn't he just have the best taste in flowers?

Flip Side

Since I discovered what a piss-poor wife I am, I had to know if I might be a better husband. And since the tool was available, I implemented it. For the purposes of not confusing myself or weirding myself out, I'm replacing every instance of "wife" in the scale with "husband" and "her" with "him". And just a reminder: the "children" I'm answering questions about all have tails. Thankfully – for myself and for mankind – I am not responsible for any human children.

I do want to mention that there was a lot of overlap of questions from the "wife" scale, which I view as a good thing, since it means even back then spouses were holding each other to similar standards. Of course, there were no demerits on the "husband" scale for his nail polish color choices...


MARITAL RATING SCALE
Husband's Chart
George W. Crane, PhD, M.D.

"In computing the score, check the various items under DEMERITS which fit the wife, and add the total. Each item counts one point unless specifically weighted as in the parentheses. Then check the items under MERITS which apply; now subtract the DEMERIT score from the MERIT score. The result is the wife's raw score. Interpret it according to this table:"

Raw Scores - Interpretation
0 - 24 = Very Poor (failures)
25 - 41 = Poor
42 - 58 = Average
59 - 75 = Superior
76 and up = Very Superior


MERITS:

1. Gives husband ample allowance or turns paycheck over to him (5) – When I was working, my paycheck went into the pot. And I encourage him to spend our "extra" in ways that will make him happy. Seems equivalent to me – +5

2. Courteous to husband's friends – Always! Luckily, Chris isn't friends with assholes. Or, at least, if he is he doesn't make me spend time around them. – +1

3. Frequently compliments husband re: looks, cooking, housekeeping, etc. (5) – Absolutely! And it's always true – +5

4. Remembers birthdays, anniversaries, etc. (5) – I forgot our wedding anniversary once (I think it was our 3rd or 4th), but to be fair he also forgot it that year. We were both home, I realized the date, and freaked. I ran downstairs and said, "Do you know what day it is?!?" and he looked at me for a moment, then said, "Shit! It's our anniversary! I forgot!" And I said, "Oh thank God, me too!" Never before or since – +4

5. Helps husband with dishes, caring for children, scrubbing – Um, yeah. It's my job. – +1

6. Polite and mannerly even when alone with husband – Well, sure! I don't rudely demand things or call him names or anything. I know how to say "please" and "thank you", and do so frequently. I'm no ogress! – +1

7. Consults husband's opinion re: business and social affairs – He's a smart guy! Why wouldn't I want his input? Why would I marry someone whose opinion I didn't respect or want? – +1

8. Has date with husband at least once per week (5 per date) – Sadly, we are very much homebodies. We go out, but with him traveling and family obligations intervening, it's most definitely less than once a week – 0

9. Reads newspaper, books, or magazines aloud to husband –I do, though I'm not sure he appreciates it – +1

10. A good conversationalist – As long as someone else initiates it! – +1

11. Steady worker and good provider (5) – How about "sporadic worker and not a provider"? – o

12. Leaves car for husband on days he may need it – Ahhhhh… the historical context kicks in. When we've been rendered a 1-car household by circumstances, I have always given him "dibs" on the vehicle – +1

13. Handy about house re fixing iron, vacuum, hanging pictures, etc. – I think I'm the opposite of handy. When I *try* to be handy, I make things worse. Much worse. Oh, except when it comes to the vacuum – something about that thing resonates and I've fixed a few issues with it – but my failures elsewhere far outweigh my successes with the vac – 0

14. Enjoys taking husband along with him wherever she goes – I do! Luckily for him, I don't go very many places – +1

15. Doesn't interfere with husband's correction of children – Hell no! I actively encourage it! They are evil and behave badly, and I am too much of a pushover to discipline them properly. I'm more of an "encourager" than a disciplinarian – +1

16. Carries adequate insurance for family (5) – Sadly, no. People with my mental health history don't easily qualify for life insurance (which is what I'm assuming this question is referring to), and I'm too lazy and worried about what I'd have to go through to get it – 0

17. Doesn't quarrel with husband before children or the public – It's more bickering than quarreling, but I don't hold my tongue. Should I pretend all is well, and then ambush him when we're alone? That's somehow better? – 0

18. Makes guests feel welcome – an interesting entertainer – +1

19. Often tells husband she loves him (5) – Probably to excess, but I'd rather say it too often than miss an opportunity and regret it later – +5

20. Usually comes home with a smile – Of course! Especially if he happens to be there when I arrive – +1

21. Shares her business and personal problems with him – Again, probably to excess – +1

22. Holds husband's coat and opens doors for him – I really do. Why not? It's all about making the other person's life easier! – +1

23. Good humored in the morning – This is tricky. If I get up when my body tells me to, I'm in a *lovely* mood. If I have to get up for an appointment or plans or something and I'm still sleepy, I'm a huge grouch for the first hour or so. I think partial credit is in order here – +0.5

24. Even-tempered – Heh. – 0

25. Does not use tobacco – +1

26. Interested in athletics – Well, I'm interested in the athletics of others, especially as it pertains to their physiques. But I'm reasonably certain that's not what was meant here! – 0

27. Writes often and lovingly when away from home – I'm counting emails and texting. I can hardly write letters when he's only gone 4 days out of the week! Oh, Dr. Crane, could you have predicted free nationwide long distance? Cell phones? – +1

28. Plays with children or helps them with lessons (5) – Sometimes I feel like all I *do* is play with our children! – +5

29. Willing to go shopping with husband – Mostly. It depends on what for, and what mood I'm in – +0.5

30. Waits up for husband or calls for him at his party – Uh, no. And in this day and age that would be a little creepy/stalker-y. Now, if his ass wasn't home when I woke up the next day that would be a whole new ballgame! – 0

31. Neat in appearance – shoes shined, hair cut, suit pressed – Sure, when I need to be! In the spirit of this point, if not literally – +1

32. Attends church or urges children to attend Sunday school (10) – I almost want to give myself points for this because if/when we have a *human* child, I will want to give him/her some sort of spiritual framework to build on. But I myself am not the churchgoing sort, and since we only have children of other species, I don't want to cheat – 0

33. Attends parent-teacher meeting and educational lectures – I educate myself continually about our critters, and the most recent info on what is best for them, so I'm taking this point – +1

34. Ambitious – works or studies to gain promotion –Nope – 0

35. Surprises husband occasionally with candy, flowers, gifts – Absolutely! Though usually it's funny t-shirts, steaks, and/or other random stuff – +1

36. A fast and efficient worker, not the puttering sort – If only! – 0

37. Willingly prepares own breakfast – +1

38. Ardent lover – sees that husband has orgasm in marital congress (20) – Easiest 20 points I've ever earned! Though I must say that this is a bit unfair, balanced against the wifely equivalent of "reacts with pleasure and delight to marital congress" which was only worth 10 points. If anything, it should be 10 points for this (really 5 or 1 – providing the wife with orgasms should be a given!) and 20 points for the wife, since her pleasure is likely to be at least marginally less regular so she must therefore *muster* a reaction, whereas the husband usually just involuntarily *has* a positive reaction. But whatever. I get points! – +20

39. Shows husband attention and affection in public (5) – +5

40. Is a careful auto driver – Hell yeah! Especially since I have to be doubly careful thanks to all the assholes out there who can't drive for shit (I'm looking at *you*, punks who totaled our other two cars!) – +1

41. Kind, but firm and the head of her household – We're a team, TYVM! – 0

42. Well liked by women, courageous – not a sissy – On principle, I'm not so sure about that "well liked by women" thing – I'd rather women be indifferent to my hubby, personally. But I am so NOT a sissy! – +1

43. Is true to her husband (10) – +10

44. Eats whatever is served without grumbling or criticism – I get points for this only because when he cooks, it's overwhelmingly awesome. If he made bad food, I would whine whine whine. – +1

45. Her children are pleased at her arrival home (5) – +5

46. Tries to keep husband equipped with modern labor saving devices (5) – We had tivo before it was popular. And I consider our lawn service to be one of the best "labor saving devices" I have equipped Chris with – +5

47. Gives husband real movie kisses not dutiful "peck" on the cheek – This one amuses the heck out of me. – +1

48. If husband is ill, phones from work to inquire about him – +1

49. Neatly hangs up clothes on hooks or hangers – +1

50. Kisses husband when leaving for work or a trip – +1

TOTAL MERITS: 96 (I rock!)



DEMERITS

1. Stares at or flirts with other men while out with husband (5) – Going by my "wife scale" answer for this one – -2

2. Reads newspaper at the table – For the modern equivalent: we eat most of our meals in the living room with me on the computer *and* watching tv, while he plays WOW. Thank goodness this is only one point! – -1

3. Fails to come to table promptly when meal is ready – Heck no! If the food is ready, I'm there! – 0

4. Brings guests home for meals without warning husband – I would never! I hardly ever have guests here period, and there's *always* a warning, usually of several days! – 0

5. Doesn't phone when late for dinner – 0

6. Compares husband unfavorably with her father or other husbands (5) – Nope! I know I've got a good thing! – 0

7. Publicly praises "single" days and regrets having married – Nevah. Evah. – 0

8. Criticizes husband in public (5) – I do, but not horrendously so. Just little things every once in a while – -1

9. Belches without apology or blows nose at table – Totally. Well, sometimes I remember to excuse myself, but definitely not enough to meet Dr. Crane's lofty standards! – -1

10. Leaves dresser drawers open – Nope. I bang into enough shit as it is – why would I add more corners and edges to wound myself on? – 0

11. Leaves shoes in living room – Are you kidding? With ferrets? I'm pretty sure Dr. Crane would disapprove of where we do leave them (the dining room), but that wasn't the question so I'm not taking the hit – 0

12. Snores – Unfortunately I've always been a snorer. I also talk in my sleep, usually nonsense. And I steal the covers. And take over the bed. I'm an extremely rude sleeper. – -1

13. Careless in bathroom – leaves razor out or ring around tub – No ring around the tub, but I leave everything else (razor included) lying around. Hey, at least I hang up my towels! – -1

14. Fails to bathe or change socks often enough – I change my socks and clothes all the time, but I definitely don't shower enough (not for Dr. Crane, anyway!). Water conservation, y'all! – -1

15. Fails to brush teeth regularly or keep nails clean – Oh, ew. These two things I'm religious about. I also wash my hands a LOT, and floss frequently. – 0

16. Dislikes to dress or shave on Sunday – Sunday and every other day! – -1

17. Hangs ties or clothes on doorknobs – 0

18. Picks teeth, nose, or sucks teeth in public – No, though it's tempting after eating popcorn! – 0

19. Objects to husband driving auto – Hell, no! I practically demand it! I don't really like driving, especially at night. Though his car is fun to drive! I prefer to be a passenger, though. – 0

20. Uses profanity or vulgarity – Scroll up, Dr. Crane. – -1

21. Blames husband for everything that goes wrong – Can I take a point back for this? Because I'm such a guilt queen that I blame myself for everything that goes wrong, even when I shouldn't. – 0

22. Complains of being too tired to go out at night with husband – Only when it's true, but I'll take it. – -1

23. Is suspicious and jealous – Sure am. It's my nature, and he tolerates it kindly. – -1

24. Uses alcohol. If ever drunk (5) – -5

25. Tells lies, not dependable (5) – 0

26. Angry if newspaper is disarranged – Welcome to the digital age, Dr. Crane! I do get pissed when Vista rearranges all my little window buttons at the bottom of my screen while my laptop is in standby, so I think that counts unfortunately – -1

27. Stubborn – rarely admits that he is wrong. Seldom apologizes (5) – One of my positive traits is that I'm willing and able to admit when I'm in error or have messed something up. I don't comprehend people who are otherwise. How hard is it? What's the worst that can happen? Jeez! Oh, and I apologize well too. – 0

28. Talks of efficiency of her stenographer or other men – Would this translate to a secretary/personal assistant? The lawn guys? Regardless, I don't do it. – 0

29. Teases husband for fatness, slowness, etc. – Hell no! And I think a spouse who does that is a bit fucked up and wandering into the territory of emotional abuse. – 0

30. Tells embarrassing things about husband when out in public – Not that I can think of. Certainly not intentionally! – 0

31. Makes fun of husband's hats, clothes, cooking, housekeeping, etc. – No way! His clothes are great, and I wouldn't dream of doing anything that jeopardized his doing any cooking or housework! Now, I will rearrange the dishwasher into a more efficient layout if I need to, and I've been known to re-fold clothing, but that's my OCD and not mockery, and he knows it. – 0

32. Smokes in bed – 0

33. Calls "Where is... ?" without first hunting for the object – Well, of course! Why waste time searching for something if he might know where it is? This is just stupid. Whatever. -1

34. Monopolizes radio on Sunday as for the baseball broadcasts – More fun with anachronism! I do monopolize the tv, but if he has a game he wants to watch I surrender it. I figure I ought to, considering I'm using it 90% of the time! I'm not taking a point because I share when it counts, dammit. – 0

35. Dislikes children, or scolds them too harshly – 0

36. A chronic ailer or patent medicine addict – 0

37. Writes on tablecloth with pencil – WTF is this?!? I don't know why anyone would do this, and I certainly can't think of a modern equivalent! – 0

38. A chronic braggart or boaster – 0

39. Argues with or curses other motorists – I do, but only in the confines of my car and with the windows up. I am so not confrontational. You never know who has a bat or a crowbar or a firearm. – 0

40. Will not help husband's relatives as much as her own – Sadly, this is true. I am very selfish with my time. Plus, I have more relatives close by who actually need help. – -1

41. Rolls in bed covers – pulls them off husband – See "Demerits #12" – -1

42. Eats onions, radishes, or garlic before dates or going to bed – -1

43. Addicted to gambling – 0

44. Defers too much to father, a "daddy's girl" (5) – I'm a daddy's girl, sure, and a mama's girl. But not in a way that affects our marriage. – 0

45. Belittles husband's opinions, his judgement, or ability (5) – 0

46. Opens husband's mail – Of course! In addition to being nosy, dealing with the mail and filing the paperwork that comes in that route is one of my jobs around the house. Why should he have to worry his pretty lil' head about that sort of thing? And to reiterate my "wife scale" answer – why should it matter? He who has nothing to hide, hides nothing. – -1

47. Boasts about his former boyfriends or conquests (5) – Nah. I could, but that would just be tacky. – 0

48. Leaves lights burning all over the house – I'm getting better about it! It's something I'm genuinely working on. But I'm not there yet. – -1

49. Kisses husband just after his makeup has been applied – LOL! I can't really think of an equivalent action here. I've kissed him after my makeup was applied, but he doesn't seem to mind it much. – 0

50. Too much a book worm – doesn't talk to wife enough when home – I'm pretty sure I talk to him enough, but I'm a complete book worm. And tv worm. And computer worm. Or whatever you call someone who gets engrossed in any of those things. And I can be pissy about it if I'm caught up on something and he (or anyone, really) interrupts. – -1

TOTAL DEMERITS: 25


GRAND TOTAL: 71! Superior!


Conclusion: I am a much better husband than wife. Who knew?


And I'm sure there are sexist assholes out there thinking that this is just what's wrong with society these days: wimmin acting too much like the menfolk. I would like to send them a bottle of red nail polish, along with some instructions as to where they can insert it.

Am I a Good Wife?

I know a lot of people have seen this – it's the "Marital Rating Scale" by George W. Crane, MD, from 1939. Most folks have passed around the first page of the "Wife's Chart" because it's the most commonly encountered example. I poked around and found the full version on flickr. I decided to take the *full* test, and am posting the text here (with my comments and results). I'm tempted to follow up with the Husband's Chart in the future!

MARITAL RATING SCALE
Wife's Chart
George W. Crane, PhD, M.D.

"In computing the score, check the various items under DEMERITS which fit the wife, and add the total. Each item counts one point unless specifically weighted as in the parentheses. Then check the items under MERITS which apply; now subtract the DEMERIT score from the MERIT score. The result is the wife's raw score. Interpret it according to this table:"

Raw Scores - Interpretation
0 - 24 = Very Poor (failures)
25 - 41 = Poor
42 - 58 = Average
59 - 75 = Superior
76 and up = Very Superior


MERITS:

1. A good hostess - even to unexpected guests – not that we ever have any: +1

2. Has meals on time – we do nothing "on time", so I make food when Chris is hungry. I think that counts! – +1

3. Can carry on an interesting conversation: +1 (as if it could be otherwise!)

4. Can play an instrument, as piano, violin, etc. – doesn't say well, so: +1

5. Dresses for breakfast – considering his (the good doctor, not my sweet baboo!) idea of "dresses", I have to be honest: 0

6. Neat housekeeper – tidy and clean – Epic fail: 0

7. Personally puts children to bed – since our children all have tails and he does a lot of the "putting to bed" when he's home, I'm going to give myself 0.5

8. Never goes to be angry, always makes up first (5) – "Never"? "Always"? I know I should adhere to the spirit of this and observe the language of absolutes he employs, but fuck it. I don't go to bed angry (who can fall asleep pissed off?), and make up first a lot, especially when I know I've contributed to the problem. I deserve some freaking points! – +2.5

9. Asks husband's opinions regarding important decisions and purchases – sure, I ask! – +1

10. Good sense of humor – jolly and gay – two words that have left our vernacular, at least in this context. Whatever. I have a fabulous sense of humor! – +1

11. Religious - sends children to church or Sunday school and goes herself. (10) – I'm one of those cliché "spiritual but not religious" people: 0

12. Lets husband sleep late on Sunday and holidays – in the context of #11, this seems particularly asinine. So I should love God and Jesus and drag the kids to our place of worship, but let my darling hubby sleep in? Would a good wife really care so little about her husband's eternal soul?!? Whatever. We both sleep in. – +1

13. Encourages thrift – economical (5) – Fail. He works so hard and has to travel so much that I would rather do without for myself than tell him not to get something he wants. As long as we're doing ok, I think that's fine. – 0

14. Laughs at husband's jokes and his clowning – absolutely! But only because he's genuinely funny! I could never be one of those wives who "humors" her husband in this area. So part of me thinks (based on the tone of this scale) that I should get a "0" here. But I figure part of my wifely awesomeness lies in choosing a guy to marry who I could laugh with honestly. So really, I should get 2 points here! I'll take the 1, though: +1

15. Ambitious for her family - urges higher attainment – um… don't know what to do with this. I'm no Lady MacBeth. And I'm not dreaming of Chris becoming a CEO. I just want us to be happy and secure, and he wants that too. So to be literal, I would get "0" here, but since he and I are on the same page in terms of "ambition", I'm taking this one – +1

16. Belongs to parent-teacher club, or child study group – again, no skin kids. And since I belong to several yahoo groups specific to our non-human children, I'm taking this one too: +1

17. A good cook - serves balanced meals (5) – when I follow a recipe, I kick ass. And when I'm trying to be good and healthy for Chris, I make balanced meals. I'm taking a partial: + 3.5

18. Tries to become acquainted with husband's business or trade – sure, I try! You try acquainting yourself with warehouse management software and get back to me: +1

19. Greets husband at night with a smile: +1

20. Has a pleasant disposition in the morning – not crabby – if I'm actually up in the a.m. (and it’s the "waking up" in the a.m. and not the late-night for me) I'm guaranteed to be crabby! – 0

21. Keeps snacks in the refrigerator for late eating – +1 (oh, wait – for him? Whatever. He can eat what I have on hand if he's really hungry.)

22. Likes educational and cultural things – I'm totally counting tv and movies and blogs: +1

23. Reacts with pleasure and delight to marital congress (10) – this is based on my own life, in which he is doing things right. Again, I'm not good at "humoring" people, and consider my choice of a compatible spouse to be part of my "Good Wife-y-ness": +10

24. Faithful and true to husband (10) – uh, totally. Otherwise, what's the point? – +10

25. Has pleasant voice – not strident – not at all. My tone of voice is a major issue because something about my mind/ears makes me unaware of how I come across. So sadly, Chris is apparently stuck with a harsh and strident wife. Sorry, babe! – 0

26. Has spunk – will defend her ideals and religion – to the death!!! Ok, maybe not death: +1

27. Praises husband in public – +1

28. Writes often and lovingly when away from husband – do text messages count? How about dirty ones? Email links? – +1

29. Writes to husband's parents regularly – again, does email count? I'm going to operate under the assumption that this question is more about harmony with the in-laws, which I definitely try to maintain: +1

30. Willing to assist husband at office or shop – Willing? Yes. Able? Not even close. So in the spirit of adhering to reality: +1

31. Sympathetic - likes children and unfortunates (5) – of course I do! – +5

32. Keeps hair neatly combed or shampooed and waved – sadly, I am dirty and lazy. My hair is always neat, just not always especially clean or styled : +0.5

33. Often comments on husband's strength and masculinity – um, no. "Often"? To whom would I be doing this? I certainly extoll his awesomeness, but not usually in terms of heavy lifting or hairiness/"bedroom performance". I'm going to give myself partial credit here because I truly believe that I let Chris know how terrific I think he is. But I don't run around commenting (to him or others) on these specific things : +0.5

34. Good seamstress – can make her own clothes or the children's clothing – not hardly: 0

35. Gives husband shampoo or manicure – I do!!! He often gets manis when we're in the car for more than 30 minutes: +1

36. Keeps husband's clothes clean and pressed – clean? Totally. Pressed? Nah. I don't believe in irons. But he does, so I keep everything clean and he irons what he wants extra-smooth: +0.5

37. Bravely carries on during financial depression – Wow. Talk about some dramatic language! I'd have to say "yes" here: +1

38. Healthy or courageous and uncomplaining – Yeah, right! Anyone who knows me (or has read anything pertinent here) is aware that this doesn't even remotely apply: 0

39. Keeps self dainty, perfumed, and feminine – hrm. "Dainty" throws me because it seems size-specific, and I've always felt I was too tall/big to qualify. I'm definitely "perfumed" but that isn't really a "plus" as far as Chris is concerned. And "feminine"? What the fuck does that mean? I have a vagina, and his penis isn't unfamiliar with it. Aside from reproductive standards, is there a better definition? – +0.5

40. Is of same religion as her husband (5) – this again treads that shifty ground. We are both spiritual and non-religious, so we are (so far – *knock on wood*) free of "religious" conflicts. And we don't have the "family" religious issues. So in my book I get full points: +5

41. Has minor children to care for (5 points per child) – Jeez! Baby wars, anyone? I know how difficult and time-consuming human children are, so I'm not presuming to equate our non-human kids with them. I'd rather scoop 20 litter boxes than deal with a human child for 24 hours straight. So I'm acknowledging our posse without being unrealistic about their needs: +1

42. On friendly terms with neighbors – Sure, why not? I say "hi" when I see them. I don't call the cops on them. What more can one ask? – +1

43. Fair and just in settling children's quarrels with others – N/A so I'll take the zero: 0

44. Likes to vacation with husband – as opposed to all those other guys I love sailing away with… Puh-leeze! I know it may sound lame, but Chris is my best friend. Who better to vacation with? – +1

45. An active member of some women's organization – WOW, this is vague. And since it is, I'm going to count my subscription to Bitch magazine: +1

46. Often tells husband she loves him (5) – possibly *too* often, but how is one to judge? I say it when it strikes me, which is several times a day. I would rather shoot myself than regret not saying it: +5

47. Polite and mannerly even when alone with husband – Um, no. He would probably think I was possessed if I suddenly started acting thusly: 0

48. Willing to get a job to help support the home – must opine here – this is only worth ONE point?!? Really? My willingness to pull my own weight/support the household is worth less than telling Chris I love him, bearing a child, being (basically) charitable, cooking "balanced" meals, or not going to bed angry? For serious? I'll take the point, but I really think this one should be worth more. A LOT more: +1

49. Praises marriage before young women contemplating it – I love it, so why shouldn't they? – +1

50. Is unselfish and kind-hearted – doesn't specify "humans" so I think I'm home clear – +1

TOTAL MERITS: 71.5


DEMERITS:

1. Slow in coming to bed – delays till husband is almost asleep – totally bogus, but I'll take the hit: -1

2. Doesn't like children (5) – I like them! Especially if they belong to someone else! – 0

3. Fails to sew on buttons or darn socks regularly – I'm willing and able but don't do so on a regular basis: -1

4. Wears soiled or ragged dresses and aprons around the house – I don't violate this literally but I do in spirit: -1

5. Wears red nail polish – WTF?!? I know there are some historic contextual incongruities in this "quiz", but how has red nail polish ever been an issue that could negate one's willingness to get a job??? And what would Dr. Crane think of my truly vampy shades? Whatever: -1

6. Often late for appointments (5) – Not even! In fact, I'm *taking* a point because Chris is so non-punctual and I have struggled against it for so long! – +1!

7. Seams in hose often crooked – n/a – 0

8. Goes to bed with curlers on her hair or much face cream – those were the days. – 0

9. Puts her cold feet on husband at night to warm them – guilty as charged. What can I say? He is deliciously warm and so readily available in the dead of winter! – -1

10. Is a back seat driver – NO! I have worked SO hard to correct this! I refuse to take a point: 0

11. Flirts with other men at parties or in restaurants (5) – I have to admit that I'm not qualified to answer this. I don't even know how to (deliberately) flirt "in real life". But apparently some of my online *joking* behavior has been interpreted as being flirty. So do I go by intent or result? I'm going to go by result, because I know my ignorant behavior has at least once upset Chris in the past: -2

12. Is suspicious and jealous (5) – totally, unrepentantly guilty of this. Back off, bitches, or I will cut you! – -5

13. Uses slang or profanity (5) – I fail to see the problem here, but whatever. FUCK you, Crane: -5 (and, again: this equates to a human child?!? Get a grip!!!)

14. Smokes, drinks, gambles, or uses dope (5) – thank goodness it isn't multiple vices! Wine is enough for me! – -5

15. Talks about former boyfriends or first husband – nope – 0

16. Squeezes toothpaste at the top – for real?!? THIS was a big marital issue back in the day? – 0

17. Reminds husband it is her money they are living on (5) – Hah! Not even! – 0

18. Tells family affairs to casual acquaintances, too talkative – *gives Chris hairy eyeball* – 0

19. A chronic borrower – doesn't keep stocked up – so NOT an issue for a hermit like me: 0

20. Slows up card game with chatter and gossip – seriously?!? They played cards/games for non-social reasons back then? Not in my demo – it's purely for fun here! – 0

21. Opens husband's personal mail – ALL the damn time. Why should it be a problem, exactly?!? He who has nothing to hide hides nothing, motherfuckers! – -1

22. Frequently exceeds her allowance or family budget (5) – all the time, but not in some dramatic/apocalyptic way: -4

23. Eats onions, radishes, or garlic before a date or going to bed – I refuse to take a point for this, because it doesn't interfere with sexy fun time: 0

24. Tells risque or vulgar stories (5) – Again, fuck you, Crane. This doesn't make me less of a wife. In fact, it makes me MORE of a wife! You really think I should keep those stories from my husband? You think he wants me to? You're a moron! I'm *taking* a point! – +1

25. Wears pajamas while cooking – 0

26. Talks during movie, play, or concert – I'll fess up. I do this. I know it's aggravating, but I can't seem to stop: -1

27. Is more than 15 pounds overweight – Woohoo!!! Not yet! – 0

28. Often whining and complaining – Um, yeah. Total whiner here: -1

29. Discourteous to sales clerks and hired help – never! If anything, I'm overly kind! – 0

30. Shoulder straps hang over arms or slip is uneven and shows – Heh. I rarely wear a bra, and almost *never* a slip, so I'm in the clear! – 0

31. Fails to was top of milk bottle before opening – Uhhhhh... I have no notion what a modern equivalent for this might be. But I refuse to take a hit! – 0

32. Corrects husband's speech or actions before others (5) – I don't think I do this, but I know I'm not perfect so I'm docking myself: -2

33. Saves punishment of children for father at night (5) – 0

34. Serves dinner but fails to sit down till meal is half over – then wants husband to wait for her – Gee, hold a grudge much dude? – 0

35. Wears pajamas instead of nightgown – I'm giving myself a point here because I eschew both and go naked. What husband prefers clothing to nudity? – +1

36. Fails to bathe or brush teeth often enough (5) – I'll dock myself here because although I'm super-keen on oral hygiene, I'm dirty with the body stuff: -2.5

37. Puts stocking to soak in wash basin – n/a – 0

38. Serves too much from tin cans or the delicatessen store – *I* don't think so… – 0

39. Visits mother too often – a spoiled child – judge-y much, Crane? – 0

40. Is snobbish or too much concerned in "keeping up with the Jonses." – Puh-leeze! They only *wish* they could keep up with us!!! LOL! – 0

41. Dislikes husband's hobbies as fishing, baseball, etc. – Meh. I don't "dislike" WoW, I just can't get into it… – 0

42. Tells lies - is not dependable (5) – never say it: 0

43. Doesn't want to get up to prepare breakfast – well, of course not! Why would I, when Chris prepares it so much better? – 0

44. Insists on driving the car when husband is along – how about the opposite? I avoid driving when Chris is available to do so! Especially when #14 (drinking) is a factor. Should I deprive him of the opportunity to be the designated driver? – 0

45. Smokes in bed or has cigarette stained fingers – No, nay, never! – 0

46. Cries, sulks, or pouts too much – this I totally do. Can't avoid it: 0

47. Makes engagements without consulting husband – not anymore! I was guilty of this for several years whn we first go together, but have since been cured! – 0

48. Talks too long on the phone – I only talk excessively with Katie, and that's almost exclusively limited to when Chris is away. I'm really not a phone person: 0

49. Is a gossip – sooo relative. And I don't think I qualify: 0

50. Walks around the house in stocking feet – why on earth is this a negative?!? And, again, why is it equivalent to my willingness to get a damn job?!? Whatever. I do it. ALL the TIME. Suck it, Crane! – -1

TOTAL DEMERITS: -31.5


GRAND TOTAL: 40

Judgement: I am a poor wife. But we already knew that.

Ideas

Good idea: crockpots with removable inserts. You can stop heating the food immediately, and also clean the cooking surface (in the dishwasher!) without worrying about that pesky electrical cord.

Bad idea: cooking something and removing the aforementioned insert, and forgetting to turn the crockpot off. FOR TWO DAYS. With the air conditioning running.

Our house did not burn down. But not for lack of opportunity.

Sweet stuff

I love honey. I grew up on locally produced clover honey that we got every few months in big mason jars from the beekeeper. It was some of the best stuff on earth, and I wish the guy was still around and producing (I remember him as being elderly, so he has most likely passed away).

Chris and I have been doing our best these past few years to buy organic. Basically, if something is available organic that's how we buy it. Yes, it costs more, but it always tastes sooooo much better, and since it's just the two of us we can afford to pay for it. We get all our meat online now from organic sellers, and there are a few other online stores we get things from, as well as a few things from local grocery stores. Amazon.com is a *great* source for organic non-perishables, especially in bulk!

I've been looking for organic clover honey for months now. Most places sell other types organically - usually tupelo (which I can't stand) or something similar. I've been getting highly frustrated because I want *clover* honey! Enter our lovely neighborhood Food Lion. They have their own "store brand" organic line, Nature's Place. Last time I was shopping, I saw that they had Nature's Place organic honey. It didn't specify what kind, but it was pretty darn cheap for organic, so I decided to give it a try. Success! Delicious clover (or clover-tasting) honey, organic, and at a great price! I'm thrilled!

Incidentally, our Food Lion also now carries Vegenaise! I've been wanting to try this for ages, but no one within 100 miles had it, and it costs a small fortune to ship it since it has to be refrigerated. I immediately bought a bottle, but haven't had occasion to use it yet (I just got it a couple days ago). But I wanted to strike while the iron was hot, and also to encourage Food Lion to keep going with their current trend in inventory.

So, in a classic Tornoe summary: I love Food Lion.

Late afternoon

We have two ferrets. Just saying/writing this feels bizarre to me, after having four - six for so long. But one of the sad realities of taking in a large number of critters (with a relatively short lifespan) in a small timeframe is that you will most likely lose most or all of them in a similar window.

Knowing this, intellectually, and living through it are two very painfully different things. And the reality is that Podo is, at the most optimistic estimate, 4 years old; and Harriet is 5 - 6. They are frisky and perky, and in as good health as can be guaranteed by current veterinary medicine. But the fact remains that they are entering the ages in which we could lose them at any time.

Chris and I decided a while back that after this bunch, we are going to take a break from ferrets for a while. The fact is that giving them the best care (in good conscience, I could never do otherwise) means spending an arm and a leg at the drop of a hat. And while we *can* do that, we also have a responsibility to the other animals in our care, as well as a fierce desire to get out of this house sometime in the next 5 - 10 years. Our furbabies are worth the thousands we spend on them, but we would like to be in a better position sometime soon to change our lives and possibly do better by our current bunch as well as a potential theoretical new bunch. And that means limiting our spending so we can pay off what we owe on the house etc. while maintaining some stability in this crazy economy.

After we lost Kaneda, I realized how precious the time left with the girls is. I was also worried about what would happen if/when we lose one, as ferrets are prone to mourning those they are bonded with and basically refusing to live without them. I looked around online and found no message boards that I liked, so I started looking at groups. I'm a yahoo group addict, and tend to join, lurk, and leave them without getting too attached or involved. But instead I found a group that captured my heart. Sure, not everyone is informed (we all gotta learn!) or as willing/able to spend like I am on critters. But the heart of this group is so strong and true and sincere. I actually volunteered to help moderate, and as a result have been having fun learning basic html and indulging my penchant for heavy editing.

Recently, the members of the group have suffered a staggering number of losses. In a heavily populated group of serious ferret lovers, it isn't unexpected - combine people who love the critters with the addictive quality of said critters (Chris and I are rank amateurs compared to these folks - a number of them have well over 20 fuzzies!) and the short lifespan of the species, and you are bound to encounter frequent heartbreak. But this past spring has seemed to everyone to be especially difficult.

The result for me is a profound gratitude for the time I have left with the ferrets we have left. This is not to minimize the time passed with the ferrets who went before. For people who don't truly know and understand ferrets, there is no explaining. For my life up to 1999 I was a hardcore cat person. And I will remain so until the day I die. But it's like every ferret life is doubly concentrated because of how short it is. They have as much soul and personality as - if not more than - any cat or dog, but it's confined to a life that is half as long. And of course, vastly different. I have known many animals in my life, but nothing approaches the spirit of a ferret. I'm not saying they are better than other animals (though I'm sure many feel that they are), just that they are unique.

I digress. There is no way to adequately express what each ferret soul has meant to me. But now that I am in a place of not taking in any more fuzzies, I think I am more able to truly cherish the experiences I have left right now. Because I know that for the next few years or so, they are all I will have. I still don't know how we are going to deal with the potential mourning issue. But I know that I will squeeze every precious drop of joy and happiness from the time I have left with my girls.

If you have a furry/feathery/scaly baby in your life who allows kisses and/or hugs, go do it now. We never know how many of them we have left.

A Cure For What Ails You

After a recent post on Jezebel about the humorous implications in the name of the acid reflux drug Aciphex (say it out loud: Aciphex = "ass effects"), I got to thinking about the names companies give drugs. I never noticed the funny connotation in this name, in all the years I worked in a pharmacy. Probably because I knew they were probably going for a subliminal message of "acid fix". Which tends to be the way marketing operates for prescription drugs.

As far as I know, there aren't any laws governing how companies name their medications, aside from avoiding violation of the copyrights of others. Why not go back to the old-timey method of naming them? We could have things like "Eli Lilly's Little Water Pills", "Roche's Super Pain Pills", "Pfizer's Purple Sugar Pills". Heck, start using old-school looking fonts and labels! Retro is in!

The fact is, a good number of the people taking medications label their meds this way. They come into the pharmacy and ask the person at the counter for a refill of their "water/sugar/pain/anxiety/etc." pill. "You know, the green one!" They don't know the name, they know what it does and usually what it looks like. Most current branding efforts are in vain. Why not cash in on the natural tendency?

Drug companies could build brand loyalty and keep consumer confusion to a minimum. The patient can rest easy, knowing what each medication does and who makes it. And wouldn't the companies rather the customer know and trust the name of the manufacturer than that of one product in a wide array? Patients would know exactly which pill they were taking and why. And if someone (the doctor, the pharmacist, the insurance company) dared to blaspheme and substitute a generic, the patient could demand that no, he wants his BMS's White Sugar Pill! What's this beige one? "Metformin"? What'n the heck is that? The name doesn't even tell you what it is! Who makes it? How can he trust them when they won't even put their name on the product?

Pharmaceutical manufacturers: I take paypal.

Geeky time-out

Ok, I know this has been addressed elsewhere. But seriously - NO ONE notices Baltar's psychotic behavior? No one?!?

I'm in the middle of a BSG marathon, thanks to SciFi showing the whole series back-to-back a couple weeks ago *plus* my darling husband's installation of an external hard drive for our DVR, giving us hundreds of hours of recording time. So I'm watching it all again, from the beginning, and being reminded of just how fucking (don't get me started on their lame-ass cop-out "f-word") awesome it is.

But re-watching it just makes me more sensitive to how batshit crazy Baltar acted in the first season, often with other people in the room. I know most of them were experiencing some level of PTSD, and they had a LOT of other shit on their minds. But no one registered that the guy they were relying on to tell them who any and all Cylons were was out of his damn mind??? Come on, now.

YES!!!

Color me lame, but I am SO excited!!!

My "judge shows" - Judge Judy, The People's Court, Judge Alex, etc. - now have a Daytime Emmy category of their own! I'll admit that Judge Alex is one of my MySpace friends, but my heart belongs to Judge Judy.

This is long past due. I know "the cases are real", but there is also an art to selecting cases and then directing/editing how they are mediated/adjudicated. I miss the hell out of Texas Justice, but I always admitted (complained) that they never reigned in the litigants sufficiently, which resulted in cases that were difficult/irritating to follow. And Judge Mathis may be a fair mediator, but the editing of his show makes it look (maybe realistically, maybe not - how is a viewer to know?) like he makes up his mind early on, and not always from a legal standpoint. I assume that the decisions are always legally sound. And with this assumption being a given, I therefore expect the shows to frame the entertainment in such a way as to make the ruling clear and understandable, while still showing the fun parts. And some shows do a far better job than others.

If the people of America want to air their petty complaints on tv, shouldn't they be judged for/on it? I say yes!

Night Owl

I am nocturnal. While the rest of the world is off at work, I'm snug in my bed. While the world sleeps. I'm up and about, doing my thing. I take a lot of crap for this, mostly good-natured, but it's what my body and brain want and I'm lucky enough to have the freedom to go with it. Even when I get on a day schedule, it doesn't last - I start falling asleep later and later, until I'm back on the night shift. It can be inconvenient for trying to get together with my diurnal friends and family, but I make it work.

I think 4 a.m. is my favorite time of day. It's almost magical. I can go outside, and the world feels fresh and new (even in the dank humidity of August). There is evidence of mankind all around, but it's like all of humanity has vanished and I'm the only person in the world. And yes, to me that is a good thing. Y'all know by now that I'm a hermit, don't you? And I know that there's this whole other side of the world who are awake while I am (the ones my then 3-year-old niece said are "stealing our sun" when I tried to explain the revolution of the planet and day vs. night). But they' aren't evident to my early-morning senses.

4 a.m. is lovely because I know the sun is coming soon, but it's pitch dark and still. And I'm not in that place of, "Oh my God, I'm up at 4 in the morning! I have a long/crappy/etc. day ahead of me!" Instead, I have the lovely feeling of my day winding down while everything is soft and peaceful.

At 5:30, I hear the train that goes through town. Every time, it makes me think of "City of New Orleans". But in a good way, because the song was kinda wrong. I'm usually in bed, reading, when the sun comes up. I read for a few hours before bed every day. I can glance over at the window every once in a while and see it gradually getting brighter outside.

Just like an afternoon nap, sleeping during the day feels luxurious and somehow sinful. And I get to experience this "unnatural" decadence every day. I get the same 8 or so hours as most people, I just choose to take them at off-peak hours.

That's all I have to say about that, I think. I sleep in the day. Deal with it.

Common Sense - Part 4 of ?

*Note/disclaimer: I may refer to people who have been abused, who suffer from eating disorders, and other related issues/circumstances in the third person throughout these posts, but that's mainly a device. I'm mostly talking about myself, other people I know, and the results of research I've done in the furtherance of my own understanding of what the hell is wrong with me. I am by no means attempting to make blanket statements that apply to all (or even a majority) of people who are or have been in any situation I have been. Also, sexist though it may be, I'll be using "she", "her", "the girl(s)" and other feminine pronouns/references for my writing, though anyone with any sort of understanding of EDs and abuse knows that males are also victims and sufferers. I'm simplifying things for my writing, that's all.

*** Warning – potential trigger(s) for abuse survivors and/or ED sufferers ***

File this post under "massively overdue". More than a year. Yes, I'm that much of a procrastinator. I meant to write about it back then, but then a bunch of bad shit happened, followed by more bad shit, and I didn't want to write about anything, let alone this subject. But since I'm back on it, I guess it's time.

I'm not big on interacting with people in the "real world" for the reasons detailed in my previous "Common Sense" posts, but I love talking online because I am exposed to so many different backgrounds and perspectives that I learn new things all the time, often from unexpected people/places. And this breakthrough/whatever is exactly why I feel this way. In this case, I was talking about my bulimia in a yahoo group that isn't eating disorder or abuse related, and it was mostly as an intellectual discussion about what does and does not constitute mental "health". One of the members there, out of the blue made a comparison I had never considered that makes an amazing amount of sense: purging is like smoking a cigarette.

It was like a freaking lightning bolt went off in my head! That's pretty much *exactly* it! And I should have seen it before - lord knows I've analyzed this thing from every angle I can think of, alone and with books and websites and other people. Pretty much any source available, I've used. It took a stranger with no real investment in the issue to see it from somewhere new and also true.

Once I started thinking about it, all kinds of parallels started jumping out at me. I started (as most girls do) b/p-ing around the same time that most people take up smoking. Some people can quit easily, others can't kick it no matter what. Some people can limit themselves (b/p-ing once a day : someone only having one or two cigarettes) while others get totally consumed (b/p-ing 10 - 20+ times a day : smoking 1 - 2+ packs per day). People who have quit still feel those urges, and often "fall off the wagon". And, like smoking, there is a definite physical/chemical dependence on the bulimia. From what I've heard/read, the feelings people get when they smoke (relief, release, calm, etc.) are very similar to what a purge does for me. God knows both things are addictive and compulsive. And they're both pretty darn bad for you! I could go on and on comparing these things. I feel like such an idiot for not seeing it before!

So now I kind of understand how it is people take up smoking as a habit/addiction, even though the first few cigarettes are awful. I've tried cigarettes twice in my life, both times when I was drunk and in a horrible mood (which in and of itself says something), and couldn't get past the pain in my lungs. But I have asthma and especially sensitive airways, and I'm pretty sure that I'm overly sensitive to smoke if not downright allergic. If I wasn't, though, I can now see how I might have become a smoker. Lord knows vomiting up your food isn't pleasant. But I kept doing it, didn't I? And people keep smoking.

I know this is a lot of gabbing, but this is/was such a lightbulb moment for me. I feel like I can finally discuss my ED in terms that a larger number of people might be able to wrap their minds around. And it makes it a lot simpler for me to think about, and I actually feel a lot less guilty about it this way. Less like a freak.

Not that I am trying to minimize or act like either behavior is acceptable. Neither is good, and neither should be undertaken by a rational, healthy individual. Period. And I know I'm going to sound like a hypocrite now, but I think smoking is a truly nasty habit. Not that bulimia is any better (it can certainly kill you quicker if you're not careful and is probably more destructive overall to the person doing it), but at least it isn't polluting the environment or endangering the health of those in close proximity. Or irritating me. Heh. So comparing something I have come to live with and accept to something I find truly abhorrent feels strange to me, but I understand (intellectually, at least) that most people feel the same way about the behaviors *I* engage in, while understanding smoking at least somewhat. And there are a number of people I know and love who are smokers - some casual, some serious - so this isn't a rejection or embrace of any one group of people. I'm hoping that this post - and idea - can bring people together in a greater understanding of these things that we do to ourselves.

Now if only they made some sort of *patch* to help me quit...

Questions? Comments?

Common Sense - Part 3 of ?

I know it's been ages since I posted on this topic. For the record, it started here, almost 2 years ago (!!!):

http://mylifemywordsmymind.blogspot.com/2006/03/dr-phil.html

Continued here:

http://mylifemywordsmymind.blogspot.com/2006/03/common-sense-part-1-of.html

then here:

http://mylifemywordsmymind.blogspot.com/2006/03/common-sense-part-2-of.html

All disclaimers for those posts count here too. I'm not sure where this will go yet, but it could be a trigger and my typing laziness will probably result in a gender bias. You've been warned.

The topic was re-awakened by my old buddy Dr. Phil in the show this week about the anorexic/bulimic girl, Aimee. The show freaked me out and saddened me because she was in such a bad state, and because so many of her thought processes mirrored my own. Especially those where she was facing the image of her younger self (with the doc) and criticizing that incarnation for "allowing" the bad things to happen and not protecting her. Scary. It's not rational or healthy, but I have done that same thing far too many times in the past.

But what struck me this time was her purging. Or, to be more accurate, her "count". She said she purges about 150 times per day, and I hate to say this but I think she is counting wrong. Not that I at ALL want to minimize this disease, but... well... here's my take: I think - and sorry to be this graphic/explicit but I have to - that she is counting every "heave" as a separate purge. I count an "episode" as a purge. Like I don't count one bite of food as a "meal". To me, a single purge is getting up everything (or as much as I can/want) that just went down. It might take up to 20 "heaves", depending on what I ate and how much and over what period of time, for one "purge" in my estimation. This is how I have always counted my purges, and I can't find anything online that says I should do otherwise.

I'm curious/interested because I saw the girl's cooking-and-eating behavior. I honestly think she doesn't have enough time in a day for 150 purges. Not the way I count them. Like Dr. Phil said - that's a purge every 10 minutes, not including time for sleep. Which is why I think she's counting wrong.

Or am I the one who's counting incorrectly? I looked around online, and although there were lots of examples for what constitutes a "binge", I couldn't find anything that gives a clear definition for a "purge". I certainly understand why people don't want to touch the subject. And while I know that I more than meet the most loose interpretation of the DSM criteria for bulimia, and feel that anyone purging in any sense "for weight loss" is headed down that slippery slope, it bothers me that there isn't a clear-cut definition/standard for what a purge actually is.

We have numbers for cholesterol, blood pressure, insulin, etc. Would it be so wrong to specify whether a purge is a "heave" or a "meal"?

Don't trust me!

Yesterday was my birthday, so as of today I am officially "over 30". I guess I'm a ticking time bomb, and could go Establishment at any moment! You have been warned.

Our neighbors are trying to kill us

Seriously. It is 77° in our house, and the heat hasn't kicked in since 2 pm! How can this be? We live in a townhouse that's an internal unit, and our neighbors on one side (or both sides) apparently feel the need to blast their heat. Great for our heating bill, not so much so for our physical comfort.

If it's the people in the end unit, I feel a little bad for them. Their heating bill must be astronomical! But they're the ones that have screaming fights weekly, if not more often, so my sympathy is limited. For real - I've been tempted to call the cops on them more than once and report a domestic disturbance. How can people live like that?

If it's the neighbors on the other side, I just don't get it. Are they warm weather natives who ended up in Delaware by accident? Are they crazy? Or are they leaking heat into our house via the holes they put IN THE FIREWALL to hang pictures? That's right! We have big front windows, and it's easy to see into theirs. Those fuckers hung giant framed pictures on the walls we were plainly told not to hang things from when we got this place! I know they're the third or fourth family to live there (whereas we/Chris bought this place when it was being built), but shouldn't that kind if thing be disclosed when selling? I know other people in the neighborhood do it too - again, big windows and I'm not a *total* hermit - but that doesn't make it right. I may not be the best neighbor in the world, but I haven't done anything that makes them more likely to lose their homes should mine catch fire!

I'm just saying. It's damn hot in my house, and it's not my fault.