Common Sense (Part 2 of ?)*

*Note/disclaimer: I may refer to people who have been abused, who suffer from eating disorders, and other related issues/circumstances in the third person throughout these posts, but that's mainly a device. I'm mostly talking about myself, other people I know, and the results of research I've done in the furtherance of my own understanding of what the hell is wrong with me. I am by no means attempting to make blanket statements that apply to all (or even a majority) of people who are or have been in any situation I have been. Also, sexist though it may be, I'll be using "she", "her", "the girl(s)" and other feminine pronouns/references for my writing, though anyone with any sort of understanding of EDs and abuse knows that males are also victims and sufferers. I'm simplifying things for my writing, that's all.

*** Warning – potential trigger(s) for abuse survivors and/or ED sufferers ***

As I said before, one ideas I've learned of that really resonates with me is that for survivors of childhood sexual abuse, emotional development stops at the age the abuse begins. Being molested as a child changes the way a person views and reacts to life, the world, and other people in ways that are hard to explain, and probably harder for others to grasp. So I'm going to try to break it down a little.

First, the act/trauma itself has a huge impact on world view. The only "real world" example I can think of for non-survivors that might approximate the emotional devastation would be terrorist attacks. I know it's pathetically melodramatic, but if I could think of a better example, I'd go with it in a flash. I feel like the biggest asshole using this one, but these things are so hard to convey. Here's what I mean, though: something drastic, and horrifying comes without warning and causes you intense emotional pain (and for many children, physical pain, but I can't speak to that). Suddenly, the world you knew is gone. Gone. There are no safe places. People can't be trusted. You don't know how to understand, let alone *deal with* the terror and hurt you're suddenly left with.

Continuing with my terrible analogy, go one step further: imagine that one of the terrorists was someone you knew and trusted. That your family and friends knew and trusted. Maybe an actual family member or friend. Seriously, try to imagine this. Someone close to you, a terrorist. Keep in mind, you're considering these things as an adult. Remember all the fuss about how to talk to kids about these things? Can you actually conceptualize yourself dealing with them as the child you once were? Alone? Unable to talk about them, either because you're traumatized, or you were told not to, or both?

Ok – no more hypotheticals. Here's my experience. The fear and betrayal and hurt make you withdraw from people physically and emotionally. Although I don't remember my abuse, I do remember pulling away from others over that period of time. I remember wandering around on the playground by myself, not wanting to play or interact at all with the other kids. I remember one day I was so lost in my own head and detached from my environment during recess that I didn't notice when the teachers came out and got all the kids to go back in. I have no idea how long I was out there by myself – I just recall suddenly looking up and noticing that there was no one else outside, and running inside to rejoin my class. While most kids want a fun, noisy party with lots of presents and al their classmates there, I remember wanting only 2 or 3 particular girls at mine, but inviting everyone because that's what was "expected" of me.

Having been so misled by the person who did such a terrible thing makes you question your judgment about everything. Especially when – as with much molestation – the abuser is a family member or acquaintance (as in my case). If I was so wrong about that person, how could any of my judgements about others be correct? Who else do I trust who might secretly want to hurt me? I don't know if the withdrawal came as a result of the hurt and shock, or of this betrayal and fear, or both. But when you're a little kid and the world is suddenly full of people who might do bad things to you, what can you do besides pull away and try to avoid more hurt? If these things haven't been discussed with you (they weren't with me – public discussion of molestation came after I had experienced it, and I think my parents just thought it wouldn't/couldn't happen) it's not like you know you're supposed to tell someone. And who can you trust to tell? No one is safe anymore.

It's this withdrawal and paranoia, I think, that lead to the failure to develop social skills. Things like listening, reading facial expressions, and communicating openly and honestly – how can a child in the state of mind I tried to depict above even start to learn these things? I'm not listening to you – you might be lying to me. How should I know? Your facial expression could be a mask, hiding something terrible. It happened before. And since I can't interpret any of the usual social cues, how on earth am I supposed to learn to properly use them with other people? This lack of social skills, combined with the suspicion and fear, leads one to become defensive, confrontational, and hard to read. You don't trust others, and your closed-off presentation makes others distrust you, which strengthens your feelings that they shouldn't be trusted. It's a vicious cycle.

I know from my own experience that I often have no idea how the expressions on my face appear to other people. I used to get accused of giving people death-glares ALL the time, and I had no idea what my face was doing. The same goes with tone of voice – that harsh/bitter/angry tone I might take doesn't sound that way in my own head; it's part of my defense mechanism, and I only know it's there through feedback from other people. Chris and I used to get in HUGE fights, and in the end it would turn out that what had set them off was that I had said something to him in a way that was very abrasive and almost mean. I didn't hear it. We finally developed a system where if I say something with that tone, he asks me to check my tone of voice. That has helped us in TONS of conflicts.

I can't recall a time when I ever wanted to be "popular" or have lots of friends. Honestly, I'm happy with one or two, and these social issues are why. It is so emotionally and physically draining to try to interact with people from a place of having no tools to do so. The closest thing that might approximate it would be trying to drive without my glasses. All kinds of important data coming in fast, but fuzzy. And terrifying, because misreading something could have horrible consequences.

I know I come across as antisocial and unfriendly to a lot of people in "real life". Apparently, the last time I went to Atlanta no one (including Chris, but probably with the exception of my sister) thought I had a good time. I had a freaking blast! But I guess it wasn't apparent. I can (and do) sit quietly in groups of people, not talking and just listening and taking things in. And I'm happy in that situation. The best thing about groups of people (especially when they don't know me very well, so I don't really *have* to talk) is that the pressure is off me to interact. But then I guess I look like the miserable bitch who isn't having fun, and making everyone else uncomfortable. So how do I change that without overloading and stressing myself out and then actually becoming the miserable chick everyone already thought I was?

Any of you who has been to a Sniffa I attended may have noticed that at pretty much every stop we made, I had to go find somewhere quiet to sit by myself for a little (or long) while. Not because I didn't like the people or wasn't having a great time (because I love the people, and live for Sniffas!), but because all that input is just plain overwhelming. And it's harder there, because there are so many people there who I genuinely like and care about, and I want to spend time with each of them, and I just start feeling stretched way too thin.

All these things I just talked about are the main reason that I love communicating with people online. Although "tone" doesn't interpret well in cyberspace, that's not a problem for me because tone and expression are extremely difficult for me to read "in real life" anyway. I learned in school to only take meaning from the actual *words* in something written. I might be inclined to interpret a certain tone from something someone writes, but unless the words themselves are there, I know not to assume. So many conflicts online and in emails are due to people inferring meanings that really weren't there. For me, it's so much easier to deal with the written word because I can check and double-check to be sure that my intended meaning is what my words are expressing. I don't have to worry that I might use the wrong tone of voice, or unintentionally display the wrong facial expression, and screw up the dialogue. There's far less input, and most of it is the kind I know how to handle.

I have to say that not working has been a major blessing for me in all these regards. I told Chris the other day that I found the cure for depression/anxiety/insomnia: screw what society dictates – only leave the house when you feel like it, and sleep when you're tired! It works! I'm only sort-of kidding here. I know how incredibly lucky I am to be able to set my hours and stay in as much as I need and want. And although I don't take it for granted, I won't apologize for it either. I'm the happiest and most me I've ever been, and I wouldn't trade it for all the money in the world!

Fragrant Observations

Just a couple things I noticed this past week...

1. Flowerbomb goes quite nicely with Mexican food! Though not as well as Bois de Paradis, I must say.

2. Donna Karan Wenge is an EXCELLENT substitute for MWI! The EDT, anyway!

3. OJ Tolu is a wonderful scent for picking up your sweetie from the airport at the end of the week :~D

4. Emotional overload can cause one (*this* one, anyway) to shy away from direct sensory stimuli that would normally be more than welcome, fragrance included.

Common Sense (Part 1 of ?)*

*Note/disclaimer: I may refer to people who have been abused, who suffer from eating disorders, and other related issues/circumstances in the third person throughout these posts, but that's mainly a device. I'm mostly talking about myself, other people I know, and the results of research I've done in the furtherance of my own understanding of what the hell is wrong with me. I am by no means attempting to make blanket statements that apply to all (or even a majority) of people who are or have been in any situation I have been. Also, sexist though it may be, I'll be using "she", "her", "the girl(s)" and other feminine pronouns/references for my writing, though anyone with any sort of understanding of EDs and abuse knows that males are also victims and sufferers. I'm simplifying things for my writing, that's all.

*** Warning – potential trigger(s) for abuse survivors and/or ED sufferers ***

After way too much deliberation, I've decided to try to undertake this "series" by addressing bulimia first, with what I hope is enough of the necessary "background" to set things up properly. Bulimia is just one of many repercussions my molestation has had on me, but I'd like to try to get it as much out of the way as I can before getting into other areas. Not that it can ever be dispensed with. Don't I wish! But it's the most "topic-esque" of the things I intend to discuss, so I may as well start with it.

From my own experience, as well as what I've learned through personal research, my understanding is that there are some basic emotional/mental/neurological similarities between the majority of people with anorexia and bulimia. They tend to be above average intelligence, they are people pleasers, and they're more sensitive than the general population. I don't necessarily mean sensitive in the "sweet and caring" way – more that physical, mental, and emotional stimuli affect them more strongly than other people (an excellent book on this concept is The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron).

The main result of the coincidence of these three traits is that these girls often "see" connections between events that others might not notice. They'll often feel responsible for things they shouldn't. And, because they're people pleasers, they'll keep these feelings to themselves so they don't burden others with them. They naturally accumulate guilt, and also try to be the buffer or go-between in rocky relationships. And if the people they're trying to help bring peace to can't get along, the girls feel it's due to some personal failing, rather than just the fact of two people not being able to get along. I'm definitely guilty of this – for as long as I can remember, I've tried to smooth things between my little sister and my dad. Their personalities are SO similar that they used to clash constantly. I actually felt physical pain when they would fight, and would often insert myself into their altercations to try to "fix" things.

I'm certain that there are TONS of people with these traits who go through life just fine. And I think that at the beginning of everything, anorexics and bulimics are very similar people personality-wise. In my opinion, the development of "normal" behaviors, anorexia, or bulimia is mainly dependent on intervening circumstances. Using myself as an example, if I hadn't been abused how and when I was, I might never have developed an ED. Or, if something different had happened, I might have become anorexic instead of bulimic. I think the potential for all three was there, and life events led me to where I am.

In order to address my personal experience with bulimia, I think I need to elaborate on my abuse. When I was in first grade, the woman who babysat me after school was married to a man who had both of his legs amputated (I believe he was a veteran). He was bedridden, and had an orthopedic bed in their living room that he stayed in, as far as I know, 100% of the time. The arrangement was that the school bus would drop me off at their house in the afternoon, and I'd watch tv and have a snack there till my parents came and got me in the evening. I know she regularly babysat a classmate of mine (evenings and weekends, NOT at the same time I was there) but I'm not sure if she watched other children. And to this day, I have no idea if she knew what her husband did.

I have to say that I blocked almost all memories of the abuse – I know he touched me inappropriately and repeatedly, but only from fragments of memories. I lied to myself until I was 18 and told myself that those memories were false, that I was making them up. I realize now that I was too innocent and ignorant to have made those things up because they were outside my sphere of reference, but I think I had to tell myself that to cope. I'm still not sure if I'm glad about my lack of memories. I know I've been spared having to relive the things I've experienced, but not knowing can be just as bad.

I do remember him telling me on several occasions that the other little girl was never as bratty as I was when she was there, and that she always behaved and sat still. Of course, NOW I know that what he was doing is referred to as "grooming" – putting me in a position of having to earn his approval, so that I would comply with his abuse. Being the people-pleaser that I am, I tried to behave as he told me to. I don't remember him ever telling me NOT to tell anyone what he did, or threatening me, or anything along those lines. I was so young and naïve that it never occurred to me (as best I can recall) that he was doing anything wrong. My parents gave me back rubs, and my mom would rub our arms in church to quiet us down – this was different, but not so much so that I remember questioning it. Halfway through first grade, something came up and his wife couldn't watch me any more, so my parents made other sitting arrangements.

As I've said, I blocked those memories, and the few snippets that came through I would deny to myself and push to the back of my mind. I remember reading about molestation when I was a little older (there were several campaigns in the 80's to raise awareness and teach kids to say "no"), and thinking it was stupid. Why would some kid let an adult or another kid touch them in a way that was "wrong"? It was pretty much the ultimate denial. I truly had no conscious knowledge of what had happened to me, and when I learned about the concept, it was insane to me that anything like that could ever happen to me. That it already had wasn't even a blip on my radar.

The point of all this is that for me there was no conscious or direct correlation between my abuse and bulimia. It's actually kind of sad and ironic, the circumstances surrounding my decision to start purging. I was 15 years old, and had a subscription to Seventeen magazine. There was an article in one of the issues that was one of those scare-tactics articles they always have, like "My Boyfriend Convinced Me to Hold His Marijuana and Now I'm in Prison Forever". I'm sure you know the type. Well, this one was by/about a girl who was bulimic, and was clearly intended to convince "other girls like her" not to do what she had done. She talked about how her family knew what she was doing, and how it hurt all of them, and how she lost too much weight and almost died, etc. I wasn't happy with my weight at the time, and I figured that if this dumb bitch could lose weight purging, then I could too; but *I* was smart enough not to get caught by my family, and not to let it take over my life (that's literally what I thought – I was 15 and full of myself!). So I started b/p-ing (bingeing and purging) purely for weight loss, and I was thrilled! I could eat what I wanted and still lose weight. I thought I had found the perfect solution.

A lot of books don't say this (probably don't want to encourage the behavior), but purging brings a HUGE physical relief, and an emotional relief as well. It's hard to describe, but as the pressure of all that food leaves your body, it's like an emotional weight is lifted at the same time. It's also been noted/discovered/whatever that purging causes the release of endorphins, which contributes to that feeling. There are some women (I'm not one of them, probably fortunately) who actually orgasm when they purge, the release is so immense. It's the emotional/endorphin release that becomes addictive and takes over.

Even after I lost the weight I wanted to, I continued to purge several times a day. After every meal and snack. And I began overeating JUST to purge. This was still in high school, and though I wouldn't admit it to myself, it definitely went from a weight-loss behavior to a mood-altering behavior. I can't pin down exactly when the shift took place, but it did. I didn't realize it till years later, but this is how/where bulimia and molestation are linked. I don't think anyone starts purging with the conscious connection to their abuse. Rather, once they start (for whatever "reason") it's value as a sort of coping mechanism takes over, and they get hooked on that. And this brings it all back to the abuse aspect. Although I didn't undertake this ED due to my abuse, I have definitely continued because of it. This brings me back to psychology, and is where my buddy Dr. Phil comes in. I'm paraphrasing him in most of what follows, because he verbalized it SO perfectly on one of his shows that I wrote it down. He was able to articulate something I had never been able to express myself, something so vital to my experience as someone who had to grow up after being molested that I cried with relief when I finally had the words to explain it.

The main issue that survivors of childhood sexual abuse deal with is that their emotional development stops at the age the abuse begins. From that point on, no one can ever touch them and they can never touch anyone without being suspicious of the motive. They learn to be paranoid about every physical interaction with other people, and it's a child's mind that decides that. Emotionally, they're/we're like children who never learned to walk and are still crawling - there are tools we didn't get, abilities we didn't learn, social skills and coping mechanisms being among the foremost. We pretty much never developed past the point we had reached when the abuse began. We're basically emotional children soothing our hurts the best way we know how, and dealing with nearly everyone from a place of mistrust and fear.

What I'm trying to explain here is that I'm short on coping skills, as are most (all?) people with EDs. I don't know how to deal with things. So when purging had the unexpected side effect of making me feel better emotionally, even for a little bit, of COURSE I latched onto it. That's why these behaviors are addictive. Yes, there's a large "control" aspect to EDs, but I'm fairly sure that applies a lot more to anorexia than bulimia. When I'm in the middle of a binge, I feel so out of control it's scary. But again, I think it's due to life events – nearly all bulimics were molested at some point in their lives. This is not the case with anorexics. My *personal* belief is that anorexia is the result of a girl trying to establish control over some aspect of her life, and bulimia is the result of a girl feeling so out of control of her entire life that all she feels she can do is soothe herself with food and purging.

Ok, I think that's enough for now. As I think/hope I made clear these are just my opinions, based on mostly anecdotal evidence, much of which is firsthand. I welcome any and all questions and comments. And - as I stated in my "Dr. Phil" post - my purpose here is just to get this stuff out there. There can be no "common sense" about issues we keep hushed up. Although it's not comfortable, the more we talk openly about these things, the more solutions we can find. I'm not looking for sympathy, just turning stones over so the creepy-crawlies have nowhere to hide.

A fresh start

Well, it's back to square one for me. As of today, the last two otos are dead. Thankfully, I only had to euthanize one other one myself, but the whole situation really really sucks.

So I'm going to drain the 12-gallon tank, scrub down the plants and cave with hot water and an algae scrubber, and start cycling it again. I'll medicate it like there are fish there, and let it run for a week or so before getting new otos. And (on the advice of my darling hubby) I think I'll get the next bunch from the awesome fish store in Wilmington, rather than from PetSmart again.

I'm not saying PetSmart is at all to blame here - of course not! All blame is always on me in my own house/mind, and this year *everything* is my fault (thanks Sand and Barbara for that honor!). The otos in Goldie and Alfie's tank have been doing well for quite some time now, and they're all from PetSmart. I just need a whole new beginning. Plus, I really like that store!

I do have to mention this oddity: up until now, whenever any of the otos died, their bodies either disappeared (probably eaten by the goldies/Bill) or sank to the bottom. I thought this was odd, since dead bodies are supposed to float, but chalked it up to some possible aspect of their physiology. BUT *these* two little guys are floating, and strangely - they are totally vertical! One is at the top of the tank with his nose just barely poking out of the water, and the other is at the bottom of the tank, standing on his tail fins. What the HELL? I'd post pics (because it is strangely fascinating), but that would be disrespectful and morbid. But it is just SO freaking weird. Sad, but weird.

Dr. Phil

I love this man and his show, though I feel the need to explain a bit. I did NOT start out feeling this way. For a good while, he really got on my freaking nerves. My dad encapsulated it best, upon hearing my admission that I like Dr. Phil - he said, "Why? It's just common sense."

Here's the thing though - Dr. Phil applies "common sense" to issues and situations for which there often IS no "common" sense. For example - some time last year, I watched an episode where he dealt with a family rife with incest. The oldest son was molested by an older female relative, and he in turn molested his younger siblings. And some of them molested and/or had inappropriate sexual relations with each other. Shocking? Yes. Horrifying? Absolutely. Common? We would *love* to think not. But the sad and terrible truth is that it's far more common than any of us want to admit. And there IS no "common sense" approach for this family to even BEGIN to heal themselves. But Dr. Phil was able to start the process, and said a lot of things that made sense.

That was the turning point for me, in my fan status. It's not just that he's a common sense kinda guy - it's that he takes this approach, applies it to what many of us view as "extreme" circumstances, AND brings the enormous resources to which he has access (alone, and in his relationship with Oprah) to bear on these situations. Sure, most of us would recommend counseling to a victim of abuse, but the level of therapy needed for the family I mentioned before? That takes a LOT of work, energy, and expertise.

The reason I guess I'm going into all this is that, as many of you know, I have issues of my own that are sadly prevalent in society, but for which "common sense" answers/explanations don't really exist. I was molested as a child, and one of the results was that I became bulimic as a teenager. Most people don't understand how either of things affects a person. And I'm not claiming to. But what I *can* do is tell my own story, and apply the information I've gathered (through research and experience) to my situation, so people might have at least a marginally better understanding of the issues that have so profoundly impacted my life. For a few of you, this will be familiar from emails I've exchanged with you and/or conversations we've had (IRL, over the phone, or IM). For others any and all of this may be totally new. I welcome questions and/or comments, here or via more personal routes.

I guess my goal is to be as open about this with everyone as I have been with a few. No one benefits from keeping these things quiet, except the abusers. And since the abused often become abusers, I can't even say for certain that *that* is true.

So things are likely to be depressing and triggering here for a while (and I *will* do my best to warn people of possible triggers), but I'm pretty sure it's something I need to do. You have been warned.

And I love you all. This is for your own good. LOL!

Update

Jeez Louise! I just went to itunes to satisfy my Arctic Monkeys curiosity (thanks Mireille!) and was greeted with yet ANOTHER sign of the end times:

I'm N Luv (Wit A Stripper) is #4!!! Seriously, WHAT is wrong with people??? I'm not claiming to have the *best* taste in music, but seriously. Enough is enough. Please, Lord, do NOT let this song reach #1 on ANY chart other than my "Seriously Stupid Songs" list...

And although only tangentially related to this post, I have to say this: Arctic Monkeys may be lyrically talented (I'm still digging through their lyrics so I can't speak to that), but musically they suck. Sorry if there are any fans out there, but I'm simply speaking my truth. The vocals are beyond substandard, their range is laughable (I think they may perform in a generous maximum of 3 keys), and the instrumentals are a sad sad joke on me, the listener.

I don't know if I feel relieved, because I really don't know WHAT I'd do if "the next Beatles" actually came along, or sad that they don't even APPROACH a caliber where I'd have to question my faith/values/taste. As much as I adore the Fab Four, I honestly pray that someone comes along someday to challenge (and maybe even surpass) their place in music history, but today is not the day, and Arctic Monkeys are not the group to do so. So to whoever it was that hailed them as such: buy some damn q-tips.

The Lord works in mysterious ways...

but the Devil doesn't fuck around. Case in point:

These are so damn good, "sinful" doesn't begin to adequately describe them. If you can't find them in your grocery store (where I bought mine, much to my shame) you can buy them here:

diamondnuts.com

I know I shouldn't tell you guys these things, but if I'm going to Hell, I at least want some of my buddies there with me!

Transitions

I don't know how to go from a truly depressing subject like my last post to something new. I feel like if I post something funny that happened to me or that I thought of, it somehow negates the seriousness of the prior entry. That's why I initially wanted to have 2 blogs - so I could keep things separate. But that felt dishonest somehow, so I decided to go with just this one. Thus, my current dilemma. I know life can't be compatmentalized, but dammit I WANT it to be.

Terrible

Yesterday was a BAD day. I wandered over to the little tank to check on the current bunch of otos I'm quarantining before adding them to the 65-gallon tank, to find one little guy lying on his side at the bottom of the tank. He was still alive and moving, just in some apparent distress.

So I pulled out a large, tall tupperware and put some water in it (I always have water sitting out in old milk jugs to age, for the fish) and added some water treatment chemicals and medicine. I scooped him out using our lovely bong-like fish scoop (see it here: petsmart.com/product_detail) and dropped him into the tupperware, along with a pellet of food. He perked up and swam around the bottom a bit, latched onto the side a couple times, came to rest on the food pellet, and munched a bit. And I, being the eternally hopeful and foolish girl that I am, gave him a name (Charlie) and lavished him with love and conversation and all the good vibes I could muster.

Of course, not long thereafter, Charlie worsened. He wound up unable to remain upright (kept falling on his side), and grew progressively stiffer. I eventually had to face the fact that there was nothing I could do, other than help him end his life with as little suffering as possible. And he *was* suffering. He was trying to move, but unable - his fins and tail kept fluttering, and he would twitch, but his little body was stiff and unresponsive. I could NOT just sit there and wait for him to die, seeing him the way he was.

I had always heard that the most humane way to euthanize a fish is to put it in the freezer, so I put the lid on the tupperware and put him in. But I started thinking that this method isn't all that fast, and might in fact NOT be humane. So (as with all things I don't know) I got online and did some research. As it turned out, the "slow" freezer method isn't the kindest way to put a fish down. The fastest and kindest way to euthanize a fish is by temperature shock, either hot or cold. For a more detailed explanation (as well as several other methods and evaluations of how humane they are), check out this site: saltaquarium.about.com.

Not having any ice or ice water on hand (I don't drink water, and my teeth are sensitive so I don't use ice) I had to get a little creative. I pulled out a tupperware of frozen homemade chicken broth, put it in a bowl, ran cold water over it, and chopped it into chunks. This got the water temperature sufficiently cold enough (in my mind), and I dropped little Charlie in. As far as I can tell, he passed instantly, but he was already very stiff from whatever was ailing him, so I couldn't say for sure. I left him in there a few minutes, and then chopped off his poor little head, just to be certain. Overkill, I know (ha ha NOT funny but what other word is there?), but I had to know it was done beyond a shadow of a doubt.

So two horrible milestones for me in one day. Hell, in one HOUR. I made the decision to euthanize a pet for the first time in my life, and I deliberately killed the most highly evolved animal I ever have. Well, as far as I know - who's to say what constitutes "highly evolved"? That's another discussion though. I've never knowingly, let alone intentionally, taken the life of a vertebrate creature. I've been in the position several times where I *should* have, but I couldn't bring myself to do it, and the guilt has eaten at me since. Now I have a whole different sort of guilt to live with, but I think it's an easier sort, or will prove to be over time anyway. I went and bought a bottle of vodka yesterday to keep in the freezer - if the situation presents itself again, I'll be prepared.

I can't stop crying, and I don't know if it's more for Charlie or me.

Random

Questions and notions that have crossed my mind of late...

If we live in such a male-dominated society, why is it that men are yelled at for leaving the toilet seat up, instead of women being to blame for not returning it to the upright position?

I absolutely HATE when people pronounce teat as "teet". I know it's considered a correct pronunciation, but it didn't used to be. Then again, I went to school hearing, "Ain't ain't a word" and now it's in the freaking dictionary :~P It's "tit" people! You might not want to say it that way, but that's the historically correct pronunciation. Now quit being squeamish.

I continue to love Jason Priestley, and will watch pretty much any show (or tv movie) that he's in at least once.

I also love tv shows that are narrated by the main character. At least, they weigh in a little more positively than those that aren't.

Why is it that the *best* indicator that I've used my inhaler correctly is the fucking hand tremors? Couldn't I just briefly turn a shade of orange or something?

I don't know why, or where/how my mind/heart draws the distinction, but there are some people who I just like, and when (like right now) I'm in the middle of a massive perfume-packaging extravaganza, I tend to give them preference in terms of sending something that multiple people want. I'm not talking about people I've established a friendship with off the board, or even necessarily people I'm particularly chatty with on the board. And I'm not trying to establish a closer relationship. It's just that if I have to choose between 2 or more people when I'm sending a sample to a new home, these people tend to win out.

I recently discovered why the the Jitterbug was so popular - they were clapping ass back in the 30's! I feel woefully ignorant...

Why do I get so *personally* happy about things that have nothing to do with me? Like hearing the latest Depeche Mode single on tv shows. I have no personal stake in their success, yet my happiness hearing them played so widely goes beyond the fact that they're one of my favorite bands and I love hearing their music. It's not that their continued success means a higher likelihood that they'll keep making music together (though that DOES make me happy). I get happy FOR them, in some weird way, that they're still going strong. Like I'm their mom or something.

My current favorite quote: "Help control the local pet population. Teach your dog abstinence" - Stephen Colbert

Vindictive

I know it's just fiction, but I'm *glad* about the character on this week's episode of CSI: NY that was murdered after swallowing live bettas. Bastard.

And I'd also like to add at this point that any asshole frat pledge who dies during hazing after swallowing goldfish *also* has nothing but scorn from me. I know it (the dying) doesn't happen as often as tv dramas would like us to believe, but a girl can dream, right? Ditto to the matadors and picadors. And I wish someone would croak on Fear Factor after eating live insects.

Sorry, but eating something alive is just cruel, and killing for sport and entertainment is as well. I'm not stainless, considering that I love meat, but I draw my lines where I choose.

I am a child

I know any good shrink could explain why I'm in so many ways immature. Hell, *I* can explain it. The negative impacts of some of my life experiences are massive and far-reaching. One of those results is that I am not an adult, emotionally. But I see no real need to "grow up", "act my age", or in any way conform to any of the other myriad euphemisms out there for NOT being a kid. I'm able to experience things with a wonder I find sadly lacking on most "adult" perspectives, and my humor is equally childish. I can giggle till my belly hurts at the most inane things, like going frame-by-frame on poor Jennaphr Frederick (because while she's a decent-looking person, she makes some AWFUL faces when viewed that way). God, I love TiVo!

Which brings me to the purpose of this brief post. As I've said in the past, I *love* tv. I like all kinds of shows, especially medical dramas. Some medical dramas are excellent - from a technical/medical correctness AND character perspective, House is hands-down THE best. Others are so bad, they make me yell at the tv - I thank God that Medical Emergency was canceled! And then there are those that are mediocre/passable, but allow for a totally different sort of amusement. Like Crossing Jordan. For anyone with a quick eye and/or TiVo, this show is an excellent source of entertainment. Hell – it would be great fodder for a college drinking game! I would give the game a title that honors one of my all-time favorite movies – Monty Python and the Holy Grail – and call it "I'm Not Dead Yet!"

The game is simple – watch the show, and any time a corpse moves in some way, everyone drinks. Seriously – is there NO editing??? Are the extras THAT bad? How many takes would it require to get a shot where the dead body DOESN'T twitch in some way? Clearly the cost of editing/hiring decent extras/filming further takes is more than the producers are willing to spend, because the damn cadavers are ALWAYS moving. Breathing and eyelid twitching are the most common tics, but there are others to be found if one is observant. You can play this game with any of the CSI series too, but Crossing Jordan is the real gold mine. And now that it's in syndication on A&E, there are even more opportunities to participate!

See you on the playground!

I've been a bad, bad girl...

According to the dictionary, I am a profane individual, in that I am frequently irreverent in regard to what some (ok, many) people consider sacred. I am a Christian, though not in any traditional sense of the word. It would take *way* more space (and time and effort) than I have here, now, to explain my beliefs. I believe that other faiths have validity, and I don't mock the religious beliefs of others. However, I *do* laugh at the eternal human presumption to know what God is thinking and planning.

I personally believe that an all-knowing, all-present, all-powerful deity could only be amused at our attempts to know and understand the vastness that is Itself. And to *assume* that we could possibly know what this unknowable being's Will, Plan, motivation, and intentions are is ludicrous even to this lowly human. In this regard, I take Neil Gaiman's stance: "God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players, to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time."

This is all going somewhere, I promise.

When last I visited my brother's family in Illinois, he was in Biloxi for the month, helping clean up after that bitch hurricane who used my name. I was helping my SIL watch the amazing children I'm lucky enough to play Tía to. It was somewhat late in the evening, and we were flipping through channels when we stumbled across THE funniest show in human history. Made all the more funny, of course, by it's intended deep seriousness.

The show is called, "Kirk Cameron" and airs on TBN. What it IS, is Kirk Cameron and his associates basically wandering around with a decent videocamera, accosting people on the street and trying to "save" them. I'm talking in the mall, outside nightclubs, you name it!

Now, we *had* imbibed a few glasses of wine, so I think our fits of giggles at his earnestness can (and should) be forgiven. What I'm NOT so sure about is this - I have started tivo-ing the show (yes, it's a SERIES) purely for my own amusement. I watch it to laugh at the absurdity that's so terribly lacking in modern sitcoms. Some of the cultural ignorance displayed on this show is truly sad, and sometimes downright scary, but it's simultaneously so ridiculous that it's laughable.

So... am I going to Hell? Or, rather, if I *believed* in Hell (which I don't) do you think I'd be going there?

And they say poetry is a dying art...

The universe has thrown a number of stripper-related references in my path over the past 24 hours. Cases in point:

http://makeupalley.com/board/m.asp/id=31178347/iPN=1/

http://makeupalley.com/board/m.asp/id=31181518/iPN=1/


So after that second thread, I'm in the car headed to the store when the following song comes on the radio. I'm pretty sure it's not intended as a joke.

I'm N Love (Wit A Stripper) - by T-Pain ("lyrics" found on http://azlyrics.com/)

[Intro]
Goddamn Lil Mama
U know u thick as hell u know what im sayin
Matter fact
After the club u know what im talkin bout
Me and my niggas gone be together u know what im sayin
I aint gon worry bout them really though
Im just lookin at u
Yea u know
U got them big ass hips god damn!

[Verse 1]
Got the body of a goddess
Got eyes butter pecan brown I see you girl
Droppin Low
She Comin Down from the ceiling
To tha floo
Yea She Know what she doin
Yea yea yea
She doin that right thang
Yea yea yea yea ea
I Need to get her over to my crib and do that night thang
Cause I'm N Luv wit a stripper

[Chorus x2]
She poppin she rollin she rollin
She climbin that pole and
Im N Luv with a stripper
She trippin she playin she playin
Im not goin nowhere girl im stayin
Im N Luv with a stripper

[Verse 2]
Out of all the girls she be the hottest
Like n the way she break it down I see u girl
Spinnin wide
And She lookin at me
Right in my eyes
Yea She got my attention
yea yea yea
Did I forget to mention
I Need to get her over to my crib and do that night thang
Cause Im N Luv Wit a Stripper

[Chorus x2]

[Verse 3]
She can pop it she can lock it
Teddy Pendegrass down I'm bout to see this sexy girl
In My bed
She don't know what she is doin
To my head
Yea She turnin tricks on me
Yea Yea Yea
She dont even know me
Yea yea yea ea
I'd have got her over to my crib to do that night thing
Cause I'm N Luv Wit a Stripper


I didn't think it was possible to top "My Humps" (By the Black Eyed Peas, may they burn in perpetuity), but I'm pretty sure this song is worse. It's hard to convey how truly terrible it is here, but it may help to mention that it was sung in that overwrought R&B style often favored by Usher and his ilk.

I'm going to buy myself a motorcycle and become one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Terrible Song Lyrics. Definitely trumps Grievous Bodily Harm.

My Top Ten Beauty Finds of 2005

This past year was HUGE for me - I scarcely know where to begin or end. As far as acquainting myself with like-minded people, 2005 was a banner year for which I will ALWAYS be grateful. Likewise, it was a year for finding perfumes/scents, both new and older, that resonated with my soul. And it was a year for unprecedented self-exploration that included and yet far surpassed the scope of my senses...

For the purposes of this joint effort (of which I'm thrilled to be a part of!), I'm listing my overall top 10 here...

1. Viktor & Rolf Flowerbomb (unleaded and Extreme)
- "official" notes: tea, bergamot, jasmine, orange tree, catleya orchid, freesia, rose, amber, musk, and patchouli

- My notes: on me the original is a creamy sugar, with just the barest hint of patchouli; the Extreme is rounder, sweeter, and deeper, with even less patch, and much more long-lasting. Chris says it "smells like flowers", but that's his usual response to perfume. I get no flowers from either the original or the Extreme, and am glad of it. These are/this is the closest fragrance to a "signature scent" I have yet to find. It's definitely the one I wore the most for the past year, and I adore it!


2. Serge Lutens Rahat Loukoum
- "official" notes: almond, crushed cherry pits, hawthorn, heliotrope, Turkish rose, balsam, tonka, aldehydes, honey, musk and vanilla

- My notes: I'm sure all these notes are in there somewhere, but I don't smell them so distinctly. On my skin, the opening is a gorgeous, delicious maraschino cherry. It soon develops into a spicy vanillic almond that smells divinely edible. It's the only perfume I have (that he's smelled so far!) that Chris *actively* likes. There are many fragrances out there designed to smell like Turkish Delight (which I've never seen, smelled, or tasted in real life), but this is my favorite, hands-down.


3. Ormonde Jayne Tolu
- "official" notes: juniper berry, orange blossom, clary sage, orchid, rose, muguet, tolu, tonka bean, frankincense and amber

- My notes: I wish I could adequately express how wonderful this stuff is on me! All I can say is that it's tart, warm, and somehow natural on me. Yum!


4. Barbara Bui Le Parfum
- "official" notes: spices [whatever that means], incense, jasmine, white musk, sandalwood, heliotrope, cedar and amber

- My notes: On me, this is a soft, warm, light incense. Every single time I wear it, I wonder why I bother with any other perfume. It's not overly-sophisticated for this around-the-house chica, but it's not overly sloppy or heavy or sweet either.


5. Guerlain Guet-Apens (now renamed Attrape-Coeur)
- "official" notes: iris, rose, woods, vanilla, and amber

- My notes: I do NOT understand how this was released as a Limited Edition! If any fragrance could be considered "universal", I'd say it would have to be this one. I get Guerlinade without the floral aspect - just woods and amber, dry and light and serene. There's the barest tangy aspect to it, but it's NOT foody. I honestly can't see ANYONE disliking this scent. It's not "inoffensive", but there is nothing *offensive* about it. This is one of those unique, ineffable, timeless perfumes that defies description.


6. Burberry Brit Gold
- "official" notes: magnolia, neroli, black currant, bergamot, iris, amber, vanilla, musk, and sandalwood

- My notes: I love ALL of the Burberry Brit incarnations, and until this fall/winter, I thought Brit Red was as good as could be. Not so. With Brit Gold I get iris, amber, vanilla, and sandalwood. It's softer, less sweet, and more ambery and woodsy than Brit and Brit Red. More sophisticated (I hate that word, but it fits) and easy-to-wear. Warmer and drier.


7. Serge Lutens Ambre Sultan
- "official" notes: coriander, oregano, bay leaf, myrtle, angelica root, sandalwood, patchouli, amber, benzoin, vanilla

- My notes: I love amber fragrances. LOVE. This is the best amber I've tried to date. It starts with an herbal tinge (which apparently I favor, though I wasn't aware of it before this year) and develops into a warm, not-too-sweet (who knew this concept even applied to me???) amber that lasts WELL over 24 hours. Yes, I'm enough of a dirty girl to have tested and proved this... What of it? As far as I'm concerned, this is the amber to end all ambers, even though I'm constantly checking others out. I'm so inconstant...


8. Annick Goutal Sables
- "official" notes: helichrysum (aka Imortelle), cinnamon, vanilla and sandalwood

- My notes: My skin makes this fragrance all woods and cinnamon. By this, I mean the true, dry cinnamon of the curled-up sticks you can buy in the grocery store. NOT the sweet cinnamon of Red-Hots candies and the like. I know a lot of people smell maple syrup in this one (and I've wished I WAS one of them in the past), but I do not, and in the end I think I'm happier for it.


9. Guerlain L'Heure Bleue
- "official" notes: anise, rose, iris, carnation, neroli, and vanilla

- My notes: This is almost a spiritual perfume for me. It's cool and calm, sweet and spicy, and somehow *me*. Maybe I resonate on some level wth Guerlains (as many seem to), but this fragrance is nearly indescribable. As with Guet-Apens and Guerlinade (which didn't make the Top Ten list), it's a stunning perfume that I'm helpless to classify. Something about it speaks to me, and rises above the ordinary to make it somehow special and vital to my soul. Despite the notes it shares with other Guerlains, it is unique unto intself, and I cannot separate it from its sister/cousin scents.


10. LORAC Gloss stick in Sheer Berry
- "official" description (from sephora.com): "Each sheer shade is enriched with all natural sunflower seed and Hawaiian macadamia seed oils for a healthy, moist look and feel, and the natural vanilla flavor makes these must-have glosses taste as good as they look."

- My description: This is my new HG (Holy Grail) lippie, and I am SO glad I found it! It goes on super-sheer and builds/layers wonderfully. It's very moisturizing, and (on me) really isn't "berry" at all - it's a lovely, neutral red (more blue than yellow) that complements my skin no matter how thickly I apply it. The Creamsicle scent and totally neutral flavor are just added bonuses.

There were/are SO many other notable beauty developments in 2005, but I must adhere to the stipulation of 10 top discoveries…

Other Best of 2005 lists worthy of consideration (please check back later if their lists aren't up yet):

• An Alabaster Brow


• Beauty Addict


• Blogdorf Goodman


• Bois de Jasmin


• Brain Trapped in Girl's Body


• c'est chic


• Crazy Jay Blue


• The Great She Elephant


• Hrmph


• Koneko's *Mostly* Beauty Diary


• Legerdenez


• Make a Mental Note


• Monkey Posh


• Mother Hen's Place


• my life my words my mind


• no one knows why the wolf laughs


• Now Smell This


• ¡Ombligo!


• Peppermint Patty


• Perfume-Smellin' Things


• Scentzilla!


• She'll be feverish after so much thinking


• Slap of the Day


• Victoria's Own

Thanks so much to Annie (Blogdorf Goodman), Robin (Now Smell This), and Katie (Scentzilla!) for getting this all together! Now I just have to figure out how to get you guys to pay for all the lemmings this project has spawned...

What Energy Crisis?

It's December, almost January, 46° outside (not bad really), and I have my first floor windows open.

Why is this? Because it is 78 freaking degrees in my house!!!

Apparently, my neighbors on one or both sides (I live in an interior unit townhouse) have their heat jacked up so high that they're overheating MY house!

What I wouldn't give to get a peek at their utility bill next month...

My responses

To Bush's requests (in general): a big "FUCK you", and a little "Hell no".

And now, Trina picks apart that ridiculous speech...

"America has an ally of growing strength in the fight against terror" - Um... last *I* checked, their growing strength was in the fight to get US the hell out of THEIR country.

"... yet it was right to remove Saddam Hussein from power. He was given an ultimatum, and he made his choice for war" - Yes, we went around the UN and gave him an ultimatum, he refused, so we invaded him. HE was clearly the war-monger here...

"The mission of American troops in urban raids and desert patrols, fighting Saddam loyalists and foreign terrorists, has brought danger and suffering and loss. This loss has caused sorrow for our whole nation; and it has led some to ask if we are creating more problems than we are solving. That is an important question. And the answer depends on your view of the war on terror. If you think that terrorists would become peaceful if only America would stop provoking them, then it might make sense to leave them alone. This is not the threat I see." - Yes, W, if one is so stupid and blind as to equate the war in Iraq with the War on Terror, and/or think that we (the public) are naive enough to think that withdrawing from Iraq would halt terrorist attacks, then by all means we MUST keep the troops there! And if you think we're so stupid that we won't notice that your lumping together of the insurgents with "foreign terrorists" was your transition to suddenly making the whole war about terrorists, well I guess your handlers give us too little credit AND have never fucking heard of tivo.

"I see a global terrorist movement that exploits Islam in the service of radical political aims. A vision in which books are burned, and women are oppressed, and all dissent is crushed." - 1)Tell me again what this has to do with the war in Iraq? and 2) HOW does this differ from the goals of YOUR administration?

"Terrorist operatives conduct their campaign of murder with a set of declared and specific goals. To demoralize free nations. To drive us out of the Middle East. To spread an empire of fear across that region. And to wage a perpetual war against America and our friends." - Really? Suddenly the terrorists are Sith lords? Seems to me they want us out, and want to conduct things their own way. Sure, that way is fucked up, but we (America) don't interfere with every fucked up thing that goes on in the world. I'd be pretty pissed at being interfered with too, if I were them. As for the perpetual war thing, I have a feeling that if we cleared the hell out of there and left them to their own devices, they'd lose interest in messing with us. Having too much fun oppressing their own people and all that. You know - like in Africa. We haven't had any African terrorist acts here lately, now have we?

"These terrorists view the world as a giant battlefield, and they seek to attack us wherever they can. This has attracted Al Qaida to Iraq, where they are attempting to frighten and intimidate America into a policy of retreat." - Wouldn't this statement suggest that if we get the fuck out, there will be no reason for Al Qaida to be in Iraq? So wouldn't troop withdrawal be the BEST way for us to drive the terrorists out? Or is it that you're saying as long as we have troops there, they won't attack us here? Sounds like you're admitting to using our boys as decoys, sir.

"The terrorists do not merely object to American actions in Iraq and elsewhere; they object to our deepest values and our way of life. And if we were not fighting them in Iraq, in Afghanistan, in Southeast Asia, and in other places, the terrorists would not be peaceful citizens. They would be on the offense and headed our way." - AHA! I was right! So why do I taste ashes... ?

"September the 11th 2001 required us to take every emerging threat to our country seriously. And it shattered the illusion that terrorists attack us only after we provoke them. On that day, we were not in Iraq; we were not in Afghanistan; but the terrorists attacked us anyway." - Maybe because the terrorists were from Saudi Arabia, you fucking moron? Could that be what you're forgetting here?

"We do not create terrorism by fighting the terrorists. We invite terrorism by ignoring them." - And we know this because... we're STILL ignoring them, and fighting in Iraq rather than fighting them, and they continue to be a threat. Gee, go figure!

"And we will defeat the terrorists by capturing and killing them abroad, removing their safe havens, and strengthening new allies like Iraq and Afghanistan in the fight we share." - Yeah, we're doing SUCH a good job of that! Tell me again - where exactly is Osama?

"The work in Iraq has been especially difficult. More difficult than we expected. Reconstruction efforts, and the training of Iraqi security forces started more slowly than we hoped. We continue to see violence and suffering, caused by an enemy that is determined and brutal. Unconstrained by conscience, or the rules of war." - Like that silly, outdated Geneva Convention thingy?

"Some look at the challenges in Iraq and conclude that the war is lost. And not worth another dime or another day. I don't believe that." - Mostly because it's not YOUR dime or day, you asshat.

"Our military commanders do not believe that. Our troops in the field who bear the burden and make the sacrifice do not believe that America has lost." - Maybe true, but they also don't quite have the access to information that you do, or I do. Being in the field, I mean. They DO believe that it sure would be nice for Santa to bring them some freaking armor for Christmas though!

"And not even the terrorists believe it." - Well, according to YOU, their beliefs are wrong anyway, right?

"America, our coalition, and Iraqi leaders are working toward the same goal. A democratic Iraq that can defend itself..." - Seems to me they're already doing an ok job of that!

"... that will never again be a safe haven for terrorists..." - Unlike America, where there are NO terrorists, eh?

"Today in Iraq, 7 in 10 Iraqis say their lives are going well. And nearly 2/3 expect things to improve even more in the year ahead." - And these statistics were obtained... how?

"Defeatism may have its partisan uses, but it is not justified the facts." - which this administration is SO good at gathering... oh, wait. Never mind.

"We would abandon our Iraqi friends, and signal to the world that America cannot be trusted to keep its word." - We wouldn't want that to happen! They have SO much faith in us right now!

"We would undermine the morale of our troops, by betraying the cause for which they have sacrificed." - Yeah, letting them come home to their families would be a HUGE downer for them.

"We would cause the tyrants in the Middle East to laugh at our failed resolve..." - And them laughing at us would be SO awful! - "and tighten their oppressive grip." - which now is so loose, it puts the Patriot Act to shame!

"We would hand Iraq over to enemies who have pledged to attack us, and the global terrorist movement would be emboldened and more dangerous than ever before." - So much for all those battalions of trained Iraqis you were praising moments ago!

"We will see a concerted effort to improve Iraqi police forces, and fight corruption. We will see the Iraqi military gaining strength and confidence, and the democratic process moving forward. As these achievements come, it should require fewer American troops to accomplish our mission. I will make decisions on troop levels based on the progress we see on the ground..." - You hear that, boys? You have to earn your way home! Stop screwing around and get busy fixing Iraq! The sooner it's done, the sooner you can come back. No free rides here!

"Not based on artificial timetables set by politicians in Washington" - *psst!* W, they're only artificial if you DON'T stick to them! Just thought I'd let you know...

"Tonight, I ask all of you listening to carefully consider the stakes of this war... and to have patience in this difficult, noble, and necessary cause." - MY answer? I have considered them, and I find your logic and goals wanting. So a big HELL NO on your request for patience, asshole.

"I also want to speak to those of you who did not support my decision to send troops to Iraq." - OK, I'm listening...

"I've heard your disagreement, and I know how deeply it is felt. Yet now, there are only two options before our country: victory or defeat." - Seriously, are you that fucking stupid? No, don't answer that. More importantly, do you and your "people" think that WE are that fucking stupid? Sadly I can see why you might (you DID get reelected after all), but it's not the case. And anything you may say to follow up such an absurd assertion doesn't deserve a response, but I'm sure I'll have something to say anyway.

"And the need for victory is larger than any president or political party..." - And of course, we are all TOTALLY incapable of thinking in any other way. None of us think outside party lines, ever. That you even suggest it is mind-boggling, sir! The notion!

"I don't expect you to support everything I do, but tonight I have a request. Do not give into despair, and do not give up on this fight for freedom." - In terms of the war in Iraq: Request DENIED.

overstock.com is my bitch

I love online banking! I just checked my account, and Overstock did indeed credit me my $2.95! And the books got here today. Life is good...

Customer Service

Sure, we all have the classic pet peeve of "bad customer service". Luckily (and unfortunately) for me, I've worked in CS, so I know what can and can't be done. Even so, dealing with incompetents (and just plain unhelpful people) can be a pain in the ass. The following is an *actual* exchange - well, two exchanges and you'll see why - on overstock.com's "live help" feature. The only things I have deleted are the "copy and paste" of my first exchange that I did for the second rep I chatted with, and incriminating info (email addy, order #, etc.).

Christian: Thank you for contacting Overstock.com. This is Christian. How may I assist you today?
you: Hi! I have a coupon (actually, I think I have more than one) for $2.95 credited to my account. How do I apply it to the order I'd like to place?
Christian: To help you better, may I have your order number?
you: I haven't placed the order yet. I want to apply the coupon before I do.
Christian: May I have the catalogue number you are looking at.
you: I'm online - there's no catalog
Christian: To help you better may I have the email address ?
you: xxxxx
Christian: Thank you for the information.
Christian: May I place you on hold for a minute or two while I research this for you?
you: sure
Christian: Thank you for staying online.
Christian: Would you like me to place an order for you.
you: ??? No - I want to apply my $2.95 coupon to the items I have in my shopping cart. The coupon is linked to my account, but I don't have a code, and can
you: oops
you: I can't find info on how to appy it to an order
Christian: I will stay online please go head and place your order.
Christian: The amount will automatically applied as a discount.
you: OK - I placed the order, but the discount isn't showing.
Christian: May I place you on hold for a minute or two while I research this for you?
you: sure
Christian: Could you please provide me the order numbger you have just placed.
Christian: *number
you: xxxxx
Christian: May I place you on hold for a minute or two while I research this for you?
you: sure
Chat session has been terminated by the Overstock Service representative.

Welcome to Overstock.com Customer Service, you are now chatting with Saige.
Saige: Thank you for visiting Overstock.com! This is Saige. How may I help you today?
you: Hi! I'm trying to straighten out a coupon issue. I was chatting with someone and he terminated the chat. Here's a copy & paste of our entire exchange. [I did so]
Saige: I would be happy to help you with that.
you: Yay!
Saige: For security purposes, may I ask you to verify the name and billing address on your account?
you: xxxxxxx
Saige: Thank you for verifying.
Saige: Thank you for providing the order number.
Saige: May I place you on hold for a minute or two while I research this for you?
you: sure
Saige: Thank you for staying online.
Saige: I do see that there is an unused coupon of $2.95 in your account.
Saige: I am sorry to inform you that as you have placed the order, we are unable to avail the coupon on this particular order.
you: Well then why did he tell me to place the order?!?
you: I was very clear with him about what I wanted.
Saige: Please come back to us before placing the order the next time and we will surely help you regarding that.
Saige: I apologize for what had happened.
you: There has to be *something* that can be done about this order.
you: This is unacceptable.
Saige: I am sorry for the inconvenience.
Saige: We are unable to issue the coupon to this existing order.
Saige: However we will help you in issuing the coupon to the next order.
you: Well how about you credit my card for $2.95 and remove the coupon from my account?
you: The reason I *have* this coupon is because of poor service I received in the past. This needs to be worked out now.
Saige: I am really sorry, the instore credit cannot be credited to your credit card. The instore credit will be applied to your next purchase automatically.
you: Well then - please cancel my order, stay on the line with me, and I'll place it again with you helping me apply the coupon.
Saige: I am sorry to inform you that we are unable to cancel the order once it is placed.
you: Why not?
you: And I'm still confused as to why you cannot perform a partial credit to my credit card for 2.95
Saige: I do understand your concern.
you: You must realize that at this point this is about the principle.
Saige: I am really sorry that I am unable to do that.
you: I was awarded a coupon for poor customer service, and now CONTINUED poor customer service has made me unable to use it for an order?!? That's beyond ridiculous
you: You haven't explained why you are unable to credit my card
Saige: I understand that this has been a frustrating experience for you and I apologize.
you: This is not acceptable. I guess I'll have to call in and try to speak with someone who can do something about this.
Saige: Please stay online while I check that for you.
Saige: Thank you for staying online.
Saige: We have credited that amount to your credit card.
Saige: Please check your next billing statement.you: Thank you very much!

And thus the monster was defeated! And I was telling her the truth about why I had the coupon - this was NOT my first tangle with overstock CS, and I was *damned* if I was gonna let them pull their crap again! Hahahahaha...

I am opaque

Or possibly translucent, on a good day.

Clearly (hyuk hyuk) I'm not in any position to assess myself accurately. But the fact is that in spite of my best intentions, I'm obviously not as willing/able to share as much of my life as I expected/hoped. Not that I'm lying, or even glossing over things. But the fact that I haven't been able to post lately, due to some shit that has been going on here on my end the past couple of weeks (well, longer really, but it manifested itself recently), certainly demonstrates that I'm not ready to completely bare myself.

I'm ok, my husband and pets and friends and family are ok, no worries. Well, some worries, but none of the immediate sort.

I'm tempted to poke my finger in the wound and examine it further - *why* can't I talk about things? What possible harm could it do? But my excessive need for self-analysis is part of the issue here :~P

Sorry for the cryptic nature of this post. Basically, it's an apology for not posting in so long, and an assurance that I had reason. Just not anything I feel like talking about here and/or now. Sorry!

Never Say Never

I hate fruit in my food. HATE it. But last night I wanted to roast a chicken and I had no onions to stuff the cavity with, so I decided to go ahead and use a Red Delicious apple. I figured it couldn't do too much damage.

Let me tell you, it was the BEST damn roast chicken I've ever made! Maybe the best I've ever had. Not only did the apple make my house smell incredible, but it also lent a subtle flavor to the chicken without making it too sweet. Yummy! Needless to say, this is definitely worth repeating! And for anyone who wants to know how to make a foolproof roast chicken, here you go:

Preheat the oven to 250°F (this is NOT a typo - just 250°). Thoroughly rinse your chicken and pat it dry. Sprinkle the outside and cavity liberally with salt and pepper, and any other spices you might like. I just used salt and pepper this time. {Note: if you would like the spice rub used for Roast Sticky Chicken, let me know} Core and slice a Red Delicious apple and stuff into the cavity. Alternately, you *could* use a quartered onion, but this was better.

Place the chicken on a shallow roasting pan and cook for 5 hours. After the first hour, baste every 30 minutes. There may not be enough (or any) drippings for the first basting, in which case you should toss a few tablespoons of butter or margarine into the pan to melt, and use that. At the end of the 5 hours, let the chicken rest for 10 minutes or so.

Roasting the chicken slowly at a low temperature cooks it *beautifully* without drying it out. A word of warning though: it will be so tender that it will LITERALLY fall off the bone, so be careful when transferring it to your serving dish. Cooking it this way and basting as often as the recipe calls for also makes some INSANELY delicious, crispy skin. But of course, I'm not allowed to eat that. Stupid Weight Watchers. Grumble grumble...

Happy roasting, kids!

Good Tidings!

Chris had his annual performance review today - he's getting an 11% raise! AND he gets to CHOOSE what his job title is going to be!!!

I told him he should go with SAP Motherfuckin' Master, but I don't think he will...

The kettle's on the boil and we're so easily called away

I'm so sorry to have to turn the "word recognition" feature on, but I kept getting insane amounts of spamment, and as fast as I'd delete them, more would appear. I wish there was a feature (that I knew about) to block certain posters, as I had a couple repeat offenders, but there are none I'm aware of. Hopefully this added aggravation won't keep you few who read this blog from posting! Mwah!

Tagged!

I've been tagged by the lovely Ruth of crazy jay blue and am hereby listing 20 random facts about myself. This took me a while not only because I'm a perpetual procrastinator, but also because I posted 15 things (10 random, 5 scary) on the makeupalley fragrance board, stating foolishly that I'd post *different* ones here. Smart. Real smart. But here they are! And shoot me if you want to, but I think everyone in the blogosphere has been tagged, so I'm not tagging anyone specific. If you read this and haven't been tagged already, you're it!


20 Things About Trina

1. It's true – I'm a TOTAL slacker. I put things off for no good reason other than that I'd rather be playing online. Or watching tv. Or playing with my fur-babies. I get FAR less done than I'm capable of.

2. I'm happy to be alive.

3. There were years on end when I wasn't.

4. I play favorites among my pets, and the favorites change constantly.

5. I only own 2 pairs of underwear (AKA "the infamous p-word") – the ivory satin ones I wore when I got married, and cotton with Tweetie Bird printed on them.

6. When I was small, the "Betsy-Wetsy" dolls at my grandparents' house, along with my childish lack of anatomical understanding, made me think that my digestive system was just a straight tube from mouth to "exits". I would to sit on the toilet and drink water *as* I peed, to try to keep a continuous flow, but it never worked. Logic told me that if I kept drinking, I'd keep peeing, but it never played out that way... I was SO disappointed! I don't remember how old I was when I finally learned/realized the truth, but I still feel ripped off :~P

7. In gymnastics class, my nickname was Noodle because I was very flexible – so much so that I couldn't get anything right (I was floppy, like a noodle). When attempting a back-handspring, my hands would come down in FRONT of where my feet had been. I'm nowhere near as flexible as I used to be, but I can still lay on my stomach pushing up with my hands, and bend my knees and arch my back so that my toes touch my head. I can also do a backbend without using my hands. My husband appreciates these things.

8. I cannot roll my "rr" when speaking Spanish, and it frustrates me to NO end.

9. I suck at bowling – I start out ok, but as the game progresses, my performance gets worse and worse. By the end I'm bowling straight gutterballs. I can't explain it, and I don't like bowling enough to try to fix it. I can drink watered-down beer in front of the tv, thank you very much!

10. I'm a proponent of *reasonable*, sterile home surgery. In furtherance of that, I own a scalpel handles and a large pack of blades. And I have used them.

11. I have eczema and sebhorreic dermatitis. The area most affected by this is my scalp, and although I could go to a doctor and get medications to use on it, I'm vain enough about my hair that I'd rather deal with the discomfort of an itching scalp than risk uglifying my hair with steroids and/or coal tar products.

12. I have tried cigarettes only twice in my entire life. One time I was wasted, and the other I was pissed off at the world.

13. I love mint-flavored things, and apparently have my whole life. When I was 2 years old, I ate an entire tube of toothpaste, and then blew the tube back up to hide what I had done.

14. Every pair of pants that I wear in public is from Target. Most of those I wear in private are too.

15. For a short time in high school I was addicted to ephedrine. I kept falling asleep in AP Biology, so I bought some "Maxx Alert" pills at the gas station. I would get the shakes on them, and when I came down in the afternoons I turned into even more of a royal bitch than my usual self. My friends actually "had a talk" with me about the pills.

16. When I was in elementary school, my biggest fear was that someone was going to climb in my window and stab me to death. I have no idea where I got this idea, or why I was fixated on it, but I would lie awake staring at my windows, scared out of my wits.

17. I prefer the raw form of almost all baked goods. I'd rather eat dough/batter than the finished product ANY time.

18. I can't remember the last time I told my brother or sister that I love them.

19. I drink too much, but if someone would just come up with a non-alcoholic red wine that tasted as good as the real deal, it would become an instant non-issue. It actually gets on my nerves that I get a buzz when I'm just trying to enjoy some yummy, tart grape juice. There are great NA beers, so where the heck is my NA wine?!?

20. As cheesy as this will sound, I have to say this. I'm married to the love of my life, and I give thanks every day that we found each other, and that we've been able to make our relationship work. Falling in love is easy, but being in a lifelong committed relationship requires effort. I love that he finds me worth the effort.

What I need

I bloglifted this fun little idea from biggerkrissy's blog. Go to Google, type in "(your name) needs", and post 10 of the results :~D Luckily for my sense of humor, I share my name with a rapper, so I got some amusing results:

10. "Trina needs to call the garbage collection company" - how did they know? I really do.

9. "Trina needs a pet room" - ha! I already HAVE one

8. "Trina needs some forks!!!" - I can't help but wonder why, when I've got plenty.

7. "Trina needs someone to bite on that juicy rump of hers!" - hmmm...

6. "Trina needs her cooling system checked out" - why??? What's wrong with me?!?

5. "Trina needs to answer that question" - you ask, I'll answer.

4. "Trina needs to post the pictures of the jesus looking guy passed out with a boner." - I just don't know what to say here.

3. "Trina needs to spend less money flossing and more money paying her bills" - true dat, but I can't roll without my perfumes!

2. "Trina needs to go back where she came from wit her nasty azz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" - well, fine then!


And my absolute, hands-down favorite:

1. "Trina needs a human companion that is interested in training and also expanding her signing vocabulary." - there are just no words.

The Return of The File Maven

I must be even more awesome than I had previously determined! Who knew?!?

My old boss called this afternoon to ask me to come back to work for the State, doing the same job I did before. I was sleeping (of course - I AM nocturnal) so I didn't get the call, but Chris did. They want me back so bad they'll give me more money AND let me work from home!!! YAY!!! That was my main issue with working before - my erratic sleeping pattern didn't mesh well with the 9-to-5 working world. The sticking point was always me taking the files home to work on them, since technically it's not allowed (and possibly illegal). But they need them organized, and want me to be the one to do it so much that they're going to let me. And THEY offered! I didn't even talk to her, so all the info was what she relayed to Chris.

In case it wasn't obvious, I'm *definitely* going to do it. We don't NEED the money, but it'll be nice to have the extra for Christmas shopping (and that time IS fast approaching), and just nice to be able to spend more freely, like I did when I was working before. Not that I intend to go crazy - we really need to pay down our larger debts so we can get out of this townhouse one of these days - but I also won't have to feel quite so guilty when I DO buy things.
Seriously though, it just feels SO good to be needed and wanted in a professional capacity! I knew I kicked ass at my job, and that my supervisors and coworkers felt the same way, but having it reaffirmed like this just makes my week! Hell, maybe even my month!

Here's hoping

*** Warning: possible trigger ***

I've been gone for a while, but that's not the whole reason I haven't posted. I'm a monster procrastinator, especially when it comes to disclosure and authenticity. I wanted/intended to put this post off till *after* this weekend, when I'll be seeing people who may well read this before I see them next. I'm such a freakin' scaredy-cat. But not a total one, 'cause here I go!

As of the end of August/beginning of September, I started doing Weight Watchers - the Core plan. This is my first serious attempt to lose weight in several years, and my first REAL attempt to deal with food in a healthy way in over a decade. The beauty of the Core plan is that they have a list of foods I can eat without measuring. A BIG list. I also get 35 "free" points each week to spend however I want on food, and I can earn more by exercising. This is perfect for me because I can NOT control my eating. I have no "Off" button. I don't have the discipline to do Flex - I'm too lazy and impulsive to weigh and journal everything that goes into my mouth, and I can't do portion control.

I'm bulimic and have been for 12 years. Once I start eating, I have a hard time stopping. It's so hard to explain what goes on in my head when I eat, but what follows is the best approximation I can give. In the past (and still in the present sometimes), whenever I ate *anything* my mind immediately told me "that will make you fat", so I knew I had to purge to get rid of the fattening food. And since I *already* had to purge, I might as well make it "worth the effort," so I'd pig out and maximize the binge. I didn't start out this way, and never intended to get to this point. I don't think anyone does.

Core works for me because it's a *proven* weight-loss plan, and there are tons of foods on the list that I like. I can eat till I feel full, and if my mind tries to go to the negative "fat" thoughts, there's a rational and real way to deal with them. The foods I'm eating *won't* make me fat, since so many people have lost weight and kept it off by using this plan. If I eat a big bunch of grapes, or 2 pieces of chicken, it's ok because they're on the list of foods I don't have to measure. I can silence that first negative voice/impulse. I can stop the binge before it really starts, which makes it that much easier to talk myself out of purging. Because I DO still have to talk myself out of it. It isn't something that can just be switched off, though I wish it were. But with Core, logic trumps the irrational unhealthy thinking and urges, and it's a HUGE weight off my mind.

I'm by no means abstinent yet, but just having the daily impulse removed is SUCH a huge relief, I can't even begin to describe it. I have the control I entered into my ED looking for, and I feel like I might get a handle on my ED. I honestly didn't think that would ever happen. For the first time in YEARS, I feel like I might actually be able to get the bulimia under control, and that is an amazing feeling. I wish I had done this sooner.

Aside from all that (which is wonderful beyond belief) I've lost 6 pounds that I don't ever intend to gain back. I need to get a good digital scale so I can keep better track of my weight, and be able to track the small losses and gains better. But 6 pounds! That's 12 sticks of butter! And that, my friends, is a great start to healthy living.

Violents in the media

Yes I can spell. Go read a Xanth novel :~P

I watch too much tv. This is a fact that has been verified by assorted experts and documented in peer-reviewed journals. In my defense, it's my parents' fault. I'm a child of the 80's, and we got our tv when I was 4 or 5. A formative age. I got to watch such awesome shows as Voltron, Thunder Cats, Snorks, Smurfs, Doctor Who, and (when I was EXTRA lucky and my parents let me stay up past my bedtime) MacGyver. This childhood bliss lasted until I was 7 or 8, when our tv broke. And my parents decided not to get it fixed. Or buy a new one. Ever again. That's right friends - at this tender age, the joyous bond between a girl and her tv was heartlessly torn asunder. I never developed the ennui that most people of my generation have towards television due to the decade or so of shows like Blossom and Full House. I love tv and could watch it all day every day. This is my burden, which I shoulder happily.

One thing I often read or hear about is the glamorization of crime on tv. I agree that this is indeed a problem, and one of the major misrepresentations of the lives of criminals is in television depictions of strip clubs. Not that I *want* to see the reality of those places when I watch tv, but here's the deal: if you DON'T want kids to grow up and become meth-dealing motorcycle gangsters, then spit the truth. A strip club in a backwater town that is run by drug-running bikers is NOT going to have Vegas-quality ass dancing the poles. An honest glimpse of these venues may just be enough to scare a few kids straight. The entertainers will not have cellulite-free tushies on ballet-dancer legs, topped by perky breasts and a pretty face. There will be cellulite, and droopage. If the legs aren't stick-straight, they'll be triangular, with the apex at the bottom. And the dental situation shouldn't even be pondered in the broad light of day.

Just North of my hometown is a lime-green building that clearly was once a house, probably a farmhouse. It isn't *quite* dilapidated, but it verges on being so, and has ever since I can remember. Attached to this is a U-shaped group of buildings, clearly added on years after the house was built, with no attempt to blend the architecture (or color even – it's white) with the original construction. The addition is also not-quite-ramshackle and has been so for ages. Together, this conglomeration is known as Fairways Inn, and attached to the green building is this sign, which pretty much says it all:

I've never been there, but my husband (in his misspent youth) has, as have several of my girlfriends (on a lark, with male friends). Putting it as delicately as possible, the one-eyed dancer was one of the prettier ones. I wish I was making this up.

My point is, THESE are the places that should be shown on tv! Don't show the biker ringleader with a hot blond on one side and brunette on the other, both with tight bodies and well-coiffed hair. Put Toothless Tawny and Cellulite Cindy on the screen. Give those wayward kids something to think about.

I just want to start things over

It's been a while since I posted anything, I know. That bitch of a hurricane who stole my name has also drained my emotions, and made me hesitant to write because I didn't know what might come spewing out.

My hope/plan for today is to sleep as much as possible, to try to rest my mind and heart. They've been jerked around enough lately.

Punk

Well, after my overwrought post from last night, Harley decided to do a 180 for the THIRD time in his life. I think he delights in causing us emotional turmoil. Copying & pasting my update post from MUA because I'm feeling lazy and have stuff to do:

Last night when I talked to the vet, she basically told me that it didn't look like Harley was going to make it. His bladder was still producing icky fluid, and his prostate is enlarged and definitely cystic, if not cancerous (according to the ultrasound). She said that IF he made it through the infection, he'd probably need surgery (which he might not survive) or serious pharmacological management (which might not help and might cause nasty side effects). But the hardest part was that it was iffy he'd even survive this infection b/c he was so dehydrated and his bladder was just releasing the gross fluid. So I had to call Chris and tell him this over the phone b/c he's in Chicago, and we were both bawling our eyes out and trying to be positive, though her prognosis made that insanely difficult. We knew we couldn't put him through another exploratory surgery, and that we may not be able to afford the medications they said he needs.

So I went to bed emotionally and physically exhausted, and only got up about an hour ago. There was a message on my phone from the vet. Never have I so clearly heard surprise in another person's voice over the phone. Harley has been urinating on his own, and when the nurse expressed his bladder this morning his urine was completely normal. He has been eating and drinking on his own, and he's almost fully alert again. AND (since Chris and I aren't going to go with surgery, at least for now) I can go pick him up in a couple hours!!!

He's already had the one Lupron shot, and she'll send him home with antiinflammatory meds and antibiotics, so we don't have to decide on further medical management for another month, assuming he makes it that long. I don't want to get my hopes up too much, but he HAS done this to us twice in the past (near death and then an insanely fast, surprising turnaraound). At the very least, we can have him here with us as long as possible. I'm pretty much numb at this point from all the emotional upheaval, but I'm SO relieved that we won't have to make the euthanasia decision it looked like we'd have to make today. And my little old man will be home when his daddy gets back from Chicago!

So there are no guarantees, but my baby is coming home in a couple hours!

Tragic Math

What's worse than having to do a cost-effectiveness analysis?

Having to do one for a dying pet.

Having to face the fact that no amount of money will guarantee that he will live.

Having to face the fact that the treatment options may themselves kill him.

Having to face the fact that the treatment options will definitely diminish his quality of life.

Having to face the fact that very soon you will have to say goodbye to someone who has meant more to you in this life than most others have, and that your decisions are what will determine the specifics of this departure. Someone who has been the closest thing you and your husband have had together, for the past 6 years. Someone who, 1 year and 8 months ago was given (optimistically) 1 year to live by the surgeon who saved his life. Someone you can't imagine living without.

Having to do all of this today.